Garage Sale, Chemo, Birthday, Vomit and Coco - All In One Weekend.

What a whirlwind. Our awesome Ginger birthday weekend started off Friday morning with chocolate cupcakes for breakfast. In our house, if it's your birthday, you can have whatever you want for breakfast. Luckily, I had chocolate Elmo cupcakes for Ginger. ;-) Then, the garage sale started. It was a beautiful morning actually, the previous day was real windy, so this was a nice change - cool and crisp, the last cold snap (I hope) before the warmer weather starts. Just awesome. I love chatting up people at garage sales - you meet such a vastness of the population. Very cool.

All was going fine, then the crunch came to quickly close up the garage sale, get the kids bags packed for overnight at my moms, bags packed for PJ and I to have an evening to ourselves and go see Conan O'Brien in Phx (which was AWESOME! I might add) and PJ quickly run into town to get gas in the car and pick up my prescription. This my friends, is where the stress factor reared its ugly head. PJ calls me from Walgreens to say my pills are going to be $750 - for a weeks worth of pills. Apparently, I misunderstood the context of my conversation with Walgreens last time we spoke - my limit has been exhausted for name brand medication. Now, if we spent our mortgage payment, that would cover the pills - this week - but what about the next? We simply cannot afford this. I am in a state of shock and as I sit and talk about this on the phone with him, I can't help but just cry. I can't afford the medicine that is making me better. Does that make any sense at all???? Who CAN afford this medicine? I know I'm not the only one - and I have insurance that paid for 3 weeks of it at least - what happens to people? How is this fair? I don't understand. My mood obviously went from a high to a low in a matter of seconds. I called my oncologist office and spoke with the insurance guy, Max - the coolest guy on the planet (next to my husband of course) and asked him, through my tears how we can speed up the process of getting a proposal into the manufacturer to see about requesting financial assistance. He says he's already started the process, I just need to sign some stuff and get him our most recent tax return. Of course our first instinct was to cancel everything. Not going to Phx, not go to the show, not have small birthday celebration at my moms - just cancel it all. But as soon as this thought came into my mind, it left just as quickly. PJ and I have never been out alone w/o our kids for an overnight for fun - ever. This had been planned for awhile and screw it - we were going. I knew if I ever really needed to laugh, tonight was that night. Sucks too because I was in the middle of my pill cycle. So my last pills were taken Fri night. Now we just wait. I did speak with my oncologist about possibly doing the CT scan now - I mean, I had it scheduled for next Fri anyway - why not push it up and week and see what it says? Then at least we'll know if these drugs are worth fighting for, ya know? There are a couple intravenous drugs that are options, but one thing my doc said, was if it had continued to grow from the last scan, we would most likely need to bring out the big guns again. The Taxol and Avastin - the ones with all the side effects and I'd lose my hair again (amongst many other yukky side effects I don't care to recall right now). Wow. Ok, well, at least I know that is sitting there on the back burner, looking at me like that stack of money on those stupid Geico commericals, but I don't think that will be the case. I pray it will not be. The good thing about this conversation with my doc is that is exactly what it was - a conversation. A healthy, constructive, logical conversation about what do to, what my options are, and what she thinks is best. Not that I didn't have any emotion tied to it, I did, but I was able to come at this discussion in a way I hadn't ever been able to before. Informed I guess, educated. Felt better than before anyway. The plan is I don't eat anything in the morning and call my doc at 8am - see if they have any openings and then if so - drive to Sedona for a scan. Nothing like last minute, eh? Gee, I was so looking forward to having horrendous gas pains our first night of camping too - bummer.

So, we continued on to Phx - dropped my girls at my mothers house and can I just say, there was something obnoxiously cool about watching my mom hold my daughters 4 year old hand in hers and wave goodbye to me. How cool it is that my girls are creating memories of spending the night at their Mema's house - how frickin awesome is that? PJ and I had the BEST time - I haven't laughed that hard in I can't tell you when. Conan was funny, but he was upstaged, in my opinion, by his opening act, Reggie Watts. Hilarious. PJ and I talked, laughed, ate, drank wine, had a cocktail, I went barefoot in the bar - then had uninterrupted sleep for the first time in - well, ever I think. Together anyway. Then we gathered at my moms and had a little birthday celebration for Ginger. Now, I've been a mom for awhile now, you'd think I would have put a stop to the fact my new 2 year old eating the icing off a very large piece of cake - no. I just thought - 'It's her birthday! What's the big deal?' The big deal was her vomiting all of it back up on the trip back up north - right around Table Mesa Road - which, for those of you don't know the drive -isn't really that long, but - it's not that far from out of town - so we had a whole hour to really take in the fragrance of the birthday celebration. Luckily, Madeline was asleep through all of this, but then awoke when we were minutes from home with "Mom! What is that awful smell?" to which I reply "Your sisters vomit dear - sorry." I was just so happy she used the word 'awful'. I love it when she is articulate.

Got all settled, then up this morning for church and everything was fine - until we were just minutes from church and Ginger does it again. My poor husband - I get the easy part of these scenarios - I get to wash myself, my kid and the clothes. He washes everything else - and getting vomit out of all the crevices of a car seat, not once, but twice? In less than 24 hours??? My husband deserves major kudos for this. So off we stopped to clean the bulk of it out, then back home we went. I hope this is just a side effect of too much junk food and birthday fun. She doesn't have a fever and she has been fine the rest of the day. Just could have used a church service this morning - had to get my God from other areas today I guess.

So, I've had moments this weekend of panic, laughter, crying, fear, complete trust in God, anger - I've pretty much run the gamut of emotions. I trust that if this medication is what I need to keep the cancer away, we will find a way to get it. You don't just switch to intravenous because your insurance won't cover it - that is ridiculous!!!! We aren't talking about frickin erectile disfunction here, we're talking about cancer! (not to demean anyone going through ED - but you catch my drift here, eh?) I just need to trust that all this too is happening for a reason, one I may not understand now, or for quite sometime, I just need to trust. Pray - and trust. Pray - and let Him have it. It does get easier with practice, just not liking all the practicing I've been having goin on lately, ya know?

So, I'll let you know how it all shakes out tomorrow. I hope I get in for my scan early so we can get this going in whatever direction I'm supposed to be led in. I just need to breathe, relax, pray. Not necessarily in that order.

PJ and Madeline went to drop off the things at Goodwill today that we didn't sell at the garage sale, and Ginger and I hung out together and watched a movie. She gets up on my lap, snuggles in on me and pulls my hand over her belly. I am so very blessed. Madeline then says to me tonight 'you're the best mom in the world mom!' which is probably because I was cooking ravioli for dinner, but I'll take it anyway. I am blessed to be their mom - that alone drives me more than I could ever explain here. I'll do whatever I need to do. God has and will continue to give me the strength. I still have moments of pissed off, moments of wishing I was a mommy without cancer, wishing I only had to worry about the things most everyone else has to worry about. But, that kind of thinking doesn't go anywhere. It just sits there, a big hole of negativity. No good. This is the hand I've been dealt, and I will handle it with strength, grace and perseverance. Oh yea, and the fight of heavyweight champ - that too.

God Bless -