My Favorite Part Is Recess

Madeline started kindergarten today. My life has been a whirlwind up until this point, and I need to post more. So now that this phase of our lives has begun, I will make it more of a priority. I need to.

Anyway, she did GREAT! We all took her and dropped her off - and I went back to her like 3 times to say goodbye - I could tell if she knew how to roll her eyes at me (thankfully she doesn't know this physical sarcasm yet) she would have. She wanted to get on with her new school, without me hanging around. I looked at her teacher and said "I guess I need to just leave then, don't I?" To which she half smiled at me with a simple "yes". Hmmm. Off I went. Part of me wanted to just wait outside the gates all day like a stalker to make sure I was in arms length of her if she needed anything. Madeline got into the school I had hoped she would get into - a school I dreamed she would get into, and I feel so blessed. We were in the last category on the waiting list - 3rd in line in the 4th category AND considered an early entrant - and still got it. If that ain't God, I don't know what is. She is so happy. It felt so awesome to pick her up today, to have her eyes meet mine, tug her teachers hand and say "My Mom is here!!!" then run towards me to give me a hug. The most awesome feeling in the world. When I asked her what her favorite part of school was, she said, without missing a beat, "Recess!" She gets it already. So awesome. It was neat to spend some time w/ Ginger one on one today too - and we will eventually get into our new 'groove' it will just take a little while. I kinda felt like a fish outta water today. New everything. We'll fall into it, no worries.

So I go to all my dr appts this week - I see Dr Mo tomorrow afternoon and I think I'm going to just go ahead and schedule my surgery when I see him. This may be putting the cart before the horse type of thing, since I have my CT scan on Wed afternoon AND treatment that same day, but I really want to just finish this reconstruction thing. My tits feel like unripened melons, they just sit there, big and not moving anywhere, and I really want the implants in. I've been told it's like night and day difference between the two - which I would really like to experience. These are full to capacity and I'm ready to trade them in for the better softer thingys. Plus, it will be a year in Oct since my mastectomy. Isn't that crazy? A year! I miss 'stretching'. I can't do it - haven't been able to since this whole thing started. Wait, I think I kinda tried when they took the expanders out after the infection, but that was about it. It's pretty difficult to sleep too - I'm a side sleeper and since these expanders don't 'move with you' it makes it extremely uncomfortable to get in a good sleeping position. I'm told the implants will be better. So, I'm going to go ahead and if Dr Mo thinks I look OK tomorrow, book the surgery. Most likely for the first part of Sept. Now, I say that because I now have to take the Avastin thing into consideration. Remember the FDA was going to determine whether or not it was going to continue to recommend this drug for breast cancer patients? Seems the real truth is that it is just wicked expensive to manufacture that's why they want to pull it. We hope that won't effect patients already taking this medication. So I want to go off it (need to for 3 weeks prior to any surgery) then get back on it before the FDA releases its decision which is going to be Sept 19. Like I didn't have enough to fight already, right? It's all about the almighty dollar - bastards.

I'm feeling pretty good - my feet have like 1 really bad day a week the week I'm on the Xeloda, and I get tired faster when I'm on them, but overall I've been doing pretty good. I suppose I am adjusting subconsciously to my new normal. I was reminded of this when I was at the MOPS convention this past weekend in Orlando, which was awesome by the way. Little things I noticed though - being with a bunch of moms who are not fighting breast cancer, just how much I'm not 'normal' anymore - just get around a bunch of normal people and I was able to see how I'm not like that anymore. It's funny, I want so badly to be that again, it was kinda fun to pretend like I was - but then I would be painfully reminded I wasn't, and I'll be honest, I got a little resentful at times. Not outwardly, but inside I did have these moments. I miss climbing into bed without any sort of pain or uncomfortableness - that was a huge thing I noticed. I miss moving around in general at an ease. I didn't realize now just moving is painful to me sometimes. So frustrating. But I think what I enjoyed the most, is everyone treated me like I was just Dina - not Dina with cancer, and that was the best. I am so blessed to have these women in my life, and be blessed with this organization and humbled to lead it.

I finished the Dodie Osteen book and have to say my thinking has completely shifted because of it. She spoke my language, stating feelings she had during her cancer experience that completely paralleled mine and then quote scripture that showed how God calls for us to be healed. There was no question about it - and I never knew this or knew the scripture well enough to know this. It has completely changed my way of thinking about the bible and what God says about living our lives. He wants us to live. I never got that before and seriously, this is life changing for me. I have found myself repeating some of the verses she quoted in her book as a wonderful deterrent for the 'bad, negative' thoughts that come into my head. It really works. I am so amazed at how I have continued to grow spiritually through this experience. It's like things continue to be revealed to me through this journey. Something else I realized was that I have been continually giving up my fear, my anxiety, all these 'feelings' over to God - which is good, that's what we're supposed to do - but it never occurred to me to give cancer itself over to Him. Wow. That would be huge right? Well, I did it - I need to remind myself of it from time to time, but I did it and it really feels great. I am slowly achieving this balance of listening to God guide me through this life with the decisions that I make, then sitting back and letting things happen the way they are supposed to. It's so powerful and amazing - to be an active partner in your life aligned with God. Amazing.

So - because I'm sure you all are curious - the airport alarms did NOT go off because of my expanders, in fact, nothing went off. I was a little disappointed to be honest - I was hoping to get 'wanded' or something. But it was completely uneventful. Again, I was just another human being being pushed through the security line at the airport. I was someone who just blended into the crowd. Aaaahhh.

Have to go make Madeline's lunch for tomorrow. Her little Buzz Lightyear lunch box - so frickin cute. I'm the proud mama of a kindergartner - I can't believe it. How blessed am I - to watch her come home today and Ginger run up to her saying "Madeline!" then give her a hug and a kiss. I have the best job on the planet.

God Bless -