I get new tits AND hair for Christmas this year!!!!

So - last week was a bit rough for me. The Elizabeth Edwards thing hit me particularly hard - I couldn't help but compare myself to her - but I'm finding on this journey - we breast cancer patients seem to want to 'have our cake and eat it to' when it comes to this kind of stuff. It makes us feel good to compare ourselves with stories of people who beat it or are surviving it - then when we lose someone to the disease we spend all this time trying to convince ourselves we are on our OWN journey and that is very individualized. Funny thing is, no matter if the story is good or bad, we are still all on our own journey regardless. Hard to remember that sometimes. In any case, my heart breaks for those children who were robbed of a mother this early in their development. She didn't deserve this, and neither did her children. Wish her hubby would have shown up for her in a better way this last year of her life, but then again, this is not for me to judge. Not there when the lights are out - that was their private life, and I just pray she found some sense of peace when it came to her family unit at the end.

Speaking of robbing, my husband and I were just speaking the other night of what this disease has robbed us of - as a couple, there are many struggles. Again, I think it is ironic that breast cancer just seems to rob you of everything feminine about you - it certainly makes you dig deep within yourself to find the real you, and get real familiar with that part of yourself. I realized I had tied much of what I thought was "ME" in a bunch of superficial bullshit - this disease just strips all this down and make you stand there, 'naked' in a sense, in front of the mirror and asking the question 'who the hell am I?'. Similar to when you quit smoking or break a bad habit that you tied a huge part of yourself to - difference is with smoking, that is a choice to quit - cancer? Not so much. In any case, my hubby and I were listing how different we are now, and how we wished we would have taken advantage of what were were before this disease took hold. I'm talking sex, having another baby, stuff like that. Funny how I start to feel guilty when we speak like this, as if it was my fault this happened or something. There I go, trying to control everything again. Arg.

I'm feeling great though - I go for my final reconstruction on Friday so I'm curious to see how that turns out. PJ needs to work that day so my lovely friend Jennifer is accompanying me to have my 'tops' created - not many people you can ask to that strange event, eh? 'Hey Jen - would you mind driving me to the hospital to have my 'tops' recreated?' Nice. I'm excited to finish this, considering this time last year I was sitting here with infected expanders, fighting it with antibiotics and pain meds, headed to the Polar Express trying to make it through Christmas - we've come a long way baby. AND - so glad I decided to get back on the horse so to speak with this reconstruction thing - what a huge subconscious difference this has made for me, thus, my husband and our relationship. It has made a difference in who I wake up as each day, as corny as that sounds. It was definitely the right decision for me - not everyones choice, but for me, definitely good.

I'm starting to finally try to make long range plans. For the last 2 years just about, I've been living week to week - literally. I wasn't even aware I was doing this, but I was. Now, I'm starting to really change my attitude and look towards the future and make plans. Nothing extraordinary, just simple stuff like what we want to do for our summer vacation next year, stuff like that. Whereas before, I would never have looked that far into the future. Feels good - I am always prepared to make changes if necessary, but it's nice to finally feel comfortable to let my mind wander this far.

I talk to God and Jesus a lot - everyday. I interchange them actually, mostly Jesus I guess if I had to choose, He and I just feel like old friends sitting on a couch sipping a glass of wine together, which, when I have kids in my minivan after school and they are screaming for more Michael Jackson, comes as a breath of fresh air if I can channel in correctly. Anyway, He and I had a good conversation recently about people. I consistently expect people to just think the way I do. It isn't even a conscious decision, but I have been finding myself more aware of this a lot lately. Then, when I realize they don't, even when I try to explain it further, they STILL don't think the same way I do - isn't that just a pisser!!! I get so frustrated. Jesus reminds me to remember when this happens, that my life experience is something few people will ever be able to grasp, and it has given me such a gift of viewing life in such a different way, I can't expect people to get it, most people just don't. The best I can do is express my point of view, and let God do the rest. Wow. That is hard, but I hope if I keep this at the forefront of my brain, it will eventually get easier.

Off to my pre-op appt in Phoenix this afternoon. I'm bringing both kids w/ me - and called the dr office to warn them. I have found that if they are running behind on appts when I arrive with children, amazingly enough - I am just in and out in no time at all. Hmmmm - go figure. :-)

God Bless -