Wear Your Own Shit

So I truly believe it was something spiritual that gave me this image the other morning, as a way of defining what I have been feeling this past week. I will try my best to explain this here.

We all have our own shit going on - all of us. You can't compare that my shit is worse than your shit - it's all relative. To US - it is the most important. Now think of all this shit as clothing - like we all have our own situational closet full of clothes - wearing what the day tells us to wear more than likely, rather than CHOOSING what to wear and making the day what we CHOOSE to make it, as God teaches us. Anyway, I digress. It seems I have been trying to wear other peoples clothes again. I try their shit on, pry myself into it, find myself swimming in it - in the long run, it just doesn't fit - why? Because it's not mine. It's not mine to wear - that's why it feels uncomfortable, which then leads to anger, frustration, irritability. I put peoples clothes on and think I can MAKE them fit me - so I can fix it - then give it back. Problem is, if my some means of a miracle I was actually able to fix it and make their clothes fit me, then when I went to give it back, it wouldn't fit them anymore. It is the hardest thing to do sometimes to just walk your own path, wear your own shit. I think sometimes I DO want others to wear mine, then I won't have to. It goes both ways. Point it, we have our own shit that we need to wear, figure out, and choose to deal with. I am the ever longing 'fixer' type of person, so this is especially difficult for me. I must learn how to support people as they wear their own shit, and respect them on their journey, and certainly get back to wearing my own. I suppose SHIT is a strong word to use, perhaps it should be LIFE or STUFF or something like that, but this is just what came to mind.

So, back to my shit. I spoke w/ Ginger's neurologist yesterday and we are going to schedule a MRI. It was a wonderfully comforting conversation, which in the end he stated that he did not have the eyes to look inside her brain and see why this was happening to her, but this test would give him those eyes. Fair enough. Until then I am finding myself being a 'hovering mommy'. Not really feeling bad about it either.

I am healing well I guess, we are heading to phx today for my f/u. One side kinda looks like its half dead tissue or something (the left side of course, the side that has protested this all along screaming THERE WAS NEVER ANYTHING WRONG WITH ME!!) so we'll see what he says about this. I'm bringing both girls w/ me again, so this always proves to be interesting. Fighting a cold right now too - just trying to get sleep at night, yea right.

Despite the STRESS that seems to live in my house right now, I am trying to be present in these days leading up to Christmas. I am a Christmas crazy kind of person, and I am turning my girls into the same. PJ? Not so much. Oh well. These days are gifts I am reminded this morning. I wake up and continue to thank God for the life I have been blessed with - and to soak each moment up as much as possible.

This past year was so different than the year before with this disease - I can only imagine what is to come. What I do know is my kids fight over which side of mommy they get to cuddle with - and ya know what? If my days are filled with breaking up those kinds of arguments - then I'd be silly to not wear my own shit - it actually fits quite nicely.

God Bless