The Price We Pay for Teacup Piggies

So - surgery was Friday and it went just fine. So glad to not have to go back under the knife again for any of this reconstruction stuff anymore - Praise God!!! My good friend Jennifer took me down for my surgery and drove me home - we had a pretty good time actually. Funny how a surgery can also decoy for some well deserved 'girl talk time' in the car. We had a great time, laughed a lot - and she is an absolute angel for doing this for me - a week before Christmas when everyone is running around like crazy people. What a gift our friendship is to me.

So - I have these 'caps' taped to my boobs that seem to be holding on my newly formed 'nips' we shall call them. This is hysterical - so get this - at the pre-op - I tell him I don't want them very big and he says to me ' oh they are going to be pretty big so don't freak out'. Wha? I was like 'what do you mean BIG - like thumbs? what is big?' He says 'no they are going to be just kind of tall - they shrink though so don't worry about it. It's easier to make them smaller than it is to make them bigger'. Hmmmm. Now, I'm not sure how he did this, this is the problem with going to these dr appts on my own now, is it is difficult for me to remember everything that is said or explained, mostly because I have my kids with me now - but what I think I remember him saying is he was going to cut into my own skin and gently form this 'nip' out of my own skin - not the scar tissue as I had originally thought - just above it actually. He said this was the easiest out of all of the surgeries and that I could basically go back to doing everything I did before on Monday - sorry to say that I had a full weekend schedule this weekend, so I probably pushed it a bit too much. Again, week before Christmas - lots to do. Thus my title. My surgery was at 3:30 in the afternoon on Friday and yesterday I was at the Prescott Armory helping to sell raffle tickets at noon for our MOPS fundraiser. Was there till 4 then made the trip to the church to store the raffle items, met PJ at the mall with the girls where they saw Santa (precious!) then when I realized that the only Toys R Us up here had run out of Teacup Piggies (something Ginger really wants this year) I go gallivanting on to Walgreens while PJ takes the girls home to see if they still have any because I vaguely remember seeing them in a display but had Ginger with me at the time and couldn't do anything about it. Again with the frickin Walgreens - what is it with me and this place!!!! So a lovely woman who works there finds it for me - way on the top shelf and I am thrilled - I go to reach for it and feel something wet run down the front of my belly. Yep - I'm bleeding now - great. I excuse myself by saying I just had surgery yesterday and could I please use the bathroom as I was having a little problem. Luckily I indeed have the best hubby in the world who told me to pack gauze and tape just in case, which I promptly whip out and begin to bandage up my seeping wound. It wasn't that bad - more scary than anything else. But I must had been in there awhile because she came in asking after me. The point is - I got the Teacup Piggie for my Ginger. Hurrah! And I drive home beating myself up for pushing it way too much yesterday - shame on me. Now I'm just hoping I haven't caused one of my newly formed NIPS to just fall off. Pray Dina, Pray. Pray for the NIP to stay intact - please. This is the end, so don't f)(*ck this up!!!!

I come home and assess the situation, and it continues to bleed throughout the night, not heavy, but I did change the bandage twice before I finally went to bed. So yea, I was a little concerned. I also know I have another full day today - with a huge church service at our church marking the 140th year in existence, a rehearsal for Madeline who wants to be in the Christmas Pageant and then she and I are supposed to have 'girl time' and have our nails done - which sounded fine at the time, but now just sounds horribly stressful to me. I figure I'll be fine as long as I just don't move around too much and keep people from bumping into me or hugging me.

Without going into specifics, I just need to vent here a bit. The past week of mine has been filled with such a roller coaster of emotions I feel like I'm swimming in random feelings. From a heated discussion with family about PJ's father, to a heated discussion with my mother about her care and well being, to my surgery, to my pushing my own limits and not taking the best care of me once again, to feeling stress with our home church then it all comes to a head this afternoon with Ginger having another frickin seizure out of nowhere then my husband and I at each others throats this evening - when we should really be embracing each other in this 'fear' of ours instead of fighting each other. Even through this whole stupid cancer thing, I think I have subconsciously always felt like I have maintained some sort of control - I have been painfully mistaken. I feel so out of control right now, I don't know which way is up. I think I am trying to hard to be so many different things to so many different people, I am starting to go a little crazy. I watched my little Ginger with this seizure today and just felt like screaming ENOUGH!!! THIS IS ENOUGH!!! Then once I had her in a good place this evening and my hubby and I went at it I literally felt like running out the door and just running down the street screaming. I just feel like I'm about to burst - do you ever feel like that? Like you are just about to explode? I can hear God's voice - I can hear it, way off in the distance, telling me to trust Him, to give it all over to Him - but it's so hard - especially with your family - with your KIDS for Christ's sake - to simply hand it over - so hard. I was starting to think this surgery was just poorly timed, but I didn't have a choice really, my deductible refreshes at the first of the year and I would really, really really like to have a year without any surgeries - wouldn't that be nice? Now I have to get on the horn and start making calls about my Ginger - my sweet little Ginger who has now had 6 - 6 seizures in the last year and 1/2 - and I have no frickin idea why. No fever this time either - the last 3 were a complete mystery. I call the pediatric neurologist tomorrow. Please keep little Ginger in your prayers, if you pray - I just want some answers.

I don't mean to bitch here - I guess I just have a lot on my plate at one time here recently - and perhaps I'm handling it poorly. All I know is that my instinct is to come at things with Christ like eyes - to try my hardest to be the best person to everyone around me - to show up for each other. Sometimes lately I've felt like all I get is a big slap in the face, but I guess that comes with the territory. I'd rather be that positive person who more often than not is misunderstood and misread, then the bitter asshole sitting off in the corner.

Wow - sounding off a lot here - sorry for the rant, but then again, that is exactly what this blog is for. Still trying to fight cancer here too BTW - oh yea, that little ditty. I have attached a pic of what my recent surgery created - it looks pretty 'gross' as Madeline described - I get to finally take a shower tonight, so I'm going to go and do that. Doc said 'if the caps fall off, just stick em back on again. Let' s hope that doesn't happen. Yikes. This is so strange because I can't 'feel' anything - so strange.

Something the Bishop said at this mornings service has stuck with me today - amidst all of this BS going on in my life - that we were all created with a God shaped hole which needs to be filled. What an awesome image -

God Bless