New Year Enlightenment from a Chemo Chair

This past couple of weeks has been a whirlwind of emotions. Had a lovely Christmas but I must admit I spent most of it enormously worried about my mom. She and Brit came to spend the holiday weekend with us and watching her fight through this chemo is tough. Tough for her, and tough for me. I wish I could fight it for her - there I go again, trying to wear her shit. In any case, she's fighting. Then we packed everyone up and did a 24 hour road trip to Sierra Vista and back for PJ's Gma's celebration of life services. I was worried about this trip - financially and also because of Ginger's recent seizure pattern. Fortunately, God provided us the funds to go (and a broken hot water heater to boot) and I adjusted my car rules to try to accommodate Ginger in making this trip as comfortable as possible for her. All went well, and the service was absolutely breathtakingly beautiful. I've never witnessed one of these Catholic masses, it was astounding. What a respectful way to honor someones life.

I then headed to my appt at CTCA on Wed of this week - my 30 day check up. I really didn't think much about this appointment - I was settled in the fact that they would be running my blood work then I would get my calcium treatment and that would be it. I'm really enjoying not being on any medication at all right now. Feel like myself again. I know this will not last forever, the estrogen blocker is on the horizon - but they need to keep me clear of everything until the theresphere takes it's full effect - 12 weeks - so I've got one month to go - woo hoo!!! It had snowed all night the night before, so driving out of town was a bit challenging (thank you PJ for making fun of me skidding down the road), but off I went.

I didn't know how much of my old 'self' I had been feeling - and I didn't expect to address some things at this appointment either. This is difficult for me to write about, difficult for me to face up to - so here it goes. I'm sitting there in the examination room, as I do at each of my appointments. As these appointments usually work, I am scheduled to see my whole team each time I arrive one at a time - my onc, my nutritionist, my natuopath, etc. I didn't see my mind and body therapist on my schedule, and felt like I needed to see him to talk about my mom - so I asked if he could be switched with my naturopath - done. Seems though legally I still need to meet with that guy because I am taking supplements, so we chat and I start asking about my mom's supplements she is currently receiving. Interesting. So then my onc nurse, Amy, who is like someone I have known for years but I guess I've only known here since I started going to CTCA - she says she is filling in for my case worker who is out of the office. This, is not by mistake. I feel WAY more comfortable with Amy then I do with anyone else - which is where an issue now starts to be addressed. I'm talking to my doc and others about my face flushing - it has been flushing for a couple weeks now, on and off, and it's really annoying. My cheeks right under my eyes get burning hot - and I don't know why. Is this a side effect of the theresphere? They check with everyone involved - no. Maybe it's something I'm eating or drinking. What are you eating or drinking? I answer, 'well, I've noticed it after spicy foods, when I drink lots of coffee, and when I drink a couple glasses of wine'. Amy asks me 'how much wine are you drinking?'. I answer 'one or two glasses a night'. She looks at me - she looks at me with the kindest eyes, and says 'no Dina. You have to stop that. That could actually cause a re occurrence and your liver is already working hard enough as it is'. I am sitting there, embarrassed, humiliated and baffled at myself for making this choice. I recall this behavior from years ago - alcoholism runs in my family and I know I have an addictive personality. I fall into the 'all or nothing' category. I take a quick inventory of my behavior and realize this has been a pattern of mine for the past, maybe 3-4 weeks. Taking a percocet and having a couple of glasses of wine - every night. This is how I have been choosing to handle the stresses of my life - and not to defend the behavior, but my plate has been full and it makes sense that this happened I guess. From my husbands father, to my mother, to Ginger's seizures, to me - the list is a bit longer but that's what I've been processing, and now I'm very well aware of the way I've been choosing to process it. Not good. Enter the mind body therapist now, who has been brought up to speed by everyone else on my recent behavior. We talk about my mom, I cry, we talk about my choices in drinking wine so often - and he says something very powerful to me. He says 'I take it there is alcoholism in your family?' I answer yes. He says 'then let's break that cycle here - now - for your children'. Wow. I told him I felt like an idiot - I can't believe I was doing this knowing my liver was trying to fight cancer. He said I was not an idiot - that it wasn't really a choice at the time, it was a behavior. Now that I'm aware of the behavior, it's time to make a choice. I truly felt like this was a mini-intervention - talking about this was the furthest thing from my mind that day - to be honest, I didn't think anything was really wrong. I was lost in my behavior.

So, my onc walks back in and says that the last scan I had last month showed some fluid around my heart. He thinks this was probably due to the theresphere and week long chemo, but wants to do an echo cardiogram just to be sure. Okey dokey. OH - and he looked at my recent TOPS surgery and thinks one side it a little infected. So I call my plastic and he has called me in an antibiotic for me to take for a week. Yay.

I do the echo - then I go up to infusion for my calcium treatment. I have a nurse, Peggy, whom I've had before - she is lovely. They are all - lovely. Are you comfortable, do you need anything, can I order you lunch, something to drink - it's like the Ritz for cancer patients - seriously. Anyway, I don't know how we got on the subject of faith, but I made the statement that I didn't know how anyone can get through this life, cancer or not, without their faith. And she says this "Where else can you go when you get to the end of yourself?" Wow. I thought about this statement all the way home. I am so very grateful that God has placed these people in my path - to lift me up to Him when I get to the end of myself - to care for me - to love me - in the way that they have been called to do. I was suddenly filled with this strength, this will, this readiness to face life with my spirit - and nothing else. I was able to see why I had reached for these things - these things that made everything just fuzzy and out of touch - so I didn't have to 'deal' with it - or I felt that I was dealing with it with better eyes. I was wrong and these people caught me - unbeknownst to me.

So I come home and discuss all this with PJ who is extremely awesome as always. He says he will stop drinking beer, which he totally doesn't have to do - but he says he will. I told him that if this turns out to be like when he stopped drinking coffee for the Fat Smash and turned into a total asshole, that he needed to promise me he would just drink a beer. He agreed.

I read my daily devotional that evening, which of course I hadn't really read in weeks because, well, I just hadn't. I need to share a portion of this - I know we can read something relevant into just about anything, but this is just freaky:

'Sometimes, all I think about is what I can't control. I focus on the problem and the unfairness of the situation. Even though I've prayed, confessed my needs and presented my resources to Jesus, I stay focused on what I can't do. It's a pretty limited view of the situation.

I somehow forget that I'm standing next to the One who can feed 5,000 people with five loaves of bread and two fish - and have leftovers! Sometimes, instead of doing what God has placed in front of me, I do nothing.

Perhaps, instead of wringing my hands with worry, I need to get busy with what I can control. There's always something I can do to bring order to my situation. It's not a distraction technique, it's an act of faith. Jesus is still in the business of miracles, and I definitely can't do those.

Dear Lord, forgive me when I focus more on my own limitations rather than Your power. There is nothing too great for You. Help me to turn my thoughts away from what I can't do, to what You have placed in front of me. I trust You to do the rest. In Jesus' Name, Amen.'

I was listening to this radio station on the way down to Phx that day and they were talking about New Years Resolutions. They were choosing to use a word instead. Come up with a word - a word that describes what you want to try to accomplish within yourself for the year. That word can be a type of 'mantra' for you throughout the year. After much thought, it just has to be TRUST for me. I feel like I've got a pretty good start on this word, but it needs some serious tending to. Tall order. But I've got a word I can focus on this year. Totally excited to get started.

Happy New Year and God Bless -