Drive By Douching

Time flies, right? Had a really awesome Memorial Day weekend. Did yard work, planted flowers, killed my rosebush - typical kind of stuff. Had a barbecue on Sun here at the house and had my dad and Nancy over as well as our neighbor Terry. It was lovely. Just relaxing good conversation, good food, good life moment. I love it when it all falls into place for moments like these - it was awesome.

I am constantly reminded however of what this stupid disease has done to my body. Correction, what the medication that fights this stupid disease has done to my body. I just can't move around comfortably anymore. It's my back, my leg, my this, my that - there is always something that hurts and it makes me feel so many things. Angry, frustrated, pissed off, sad, guilty. Then I look at my husband and I wonder if he's ever just as frustrated. I mean, he hears it all - all of the bitching and moaning I do and I think to myself sometimes, 'look what he gets - so not what he thought he was getting when he married me'. Does this make him love me less? I don't think so - but I feel guilty that he isn't getting the 100% of the Dina that he married. All of this happening to me directly effects him, and it makes me feel bad. Just can't help it.

Oh - I will explain this post title. This is so random. I've seen this piece of trash on the side of the street on 3 different occasions in the same place, and it just makes me so curious. In the rocked area by my nail girl, there lies an empty Summers Eve Disposable Douche box. I see this and have to wonder - how the hell did THAT get there? Did someone need one so bad they had to take it out in the car then tossed the box out the car window? OR did someone in a car throw it at someone walking to give them a hint? OR was someone walking with this in a bag and just couldn't wait any longer and HAD to open it up while they were walking? What a strange piece of trash, right? Hmmmmmmmm.

Anyway, we were in Phoenix last night because Ginger had her EEG test this morning at Phoenix Children's Hospital. She had to sleep on her own through this test, and after keeping her up a bit last night, a good swim this morning, and lots of prayer - she did just beautifully. I got to lay there with her and she and I just laid there together on the gurney with her Dora blanket covering us while the nurse attached a bunch of these electrode thingys to her head. She was asleep before the test even started, bless her little heart. Total open mouth sleeping - she was out. I didn't really break down until the drive home actually, when I realized how much Ginger resembled my niece with her head all bandaged up holding these electrode things on her. My niece was diagnosed with brain cancer at the age of two - she is 22 now, but these memories are clearly defined in my brain, and this was just a huge flashback moment for me. In any case, she did great and I will call for the results tomorrow. Keep prayers coming of 'unremarkable' results please.

I'm seeing a chiropractor now to see if I can get any sort of relief in my right leg. It has been a problem for, no lie, the past 4 years. Some have said it is sciatic, I don't know. It feels lower back related and the last chiropractor I went to for this found nothing - not even the cancer on my spine - so needless to say I'm not seeing him again. This guy was recommended, and so far so good. I'm going to hear what he is proposing tomorrow morning. I'll have to try acupuncture or something if this doesn't work, so I'm praying this guy can help me.

I had this moment of fear recently, when I had to describe my current situation to my father. The thought of this upcoming PET scan not showing positive results of this medication sent a thread of fear through my heart. I don't want to go back to the BIG GUNS. I don't want to lose my hair again, I don't want that life again of going through chemo treatment. I want this current medication to be working, for it to kill this stuff inside me. I guess I was so busy living my life, I had forgotten where we were in this disease journey. Have I been in denial? Is it me ignoring the reality of where I am? I hope not, I think I've just been living. And loving it. I want more and more of it. I sound selfish now that I'm writing this. I need to be grateful for what I have. But I continue to ask God for more. Every day.

Off to study my acting role in the upcoming Vacation Bible School. When I went equity, I had no idea I'd be preparing for THIS kid of role.

God Bless -