Oh My Crackling Feet!

Well, what an emotional journey this continues to be. Weekend was awesome - had PJ's dad with us this weekend and it is always a joy to have him around. The girls LOVE their Grandpa Monte - so they loved pulling him here and there - showing him all their 'stuff' and making him watch movies I'm sure he has no interest in seeing. (our house is on a permanent repeat of Alice In Wonderland - being the Tim Burton fans we are) I'm trying to teach Madeline the line 'I love a fat pig belly for my aching feet'. Nice.

I didn't have much time to really wallow in this new founded Friday information as I had to do my Miss Dina Toddler Story time at the library Sat morning with Madeline. PJ reminded me how important it is for her to see me doing this. She is such a great helper too - and it is fun. The kids are so cute. Did laundry while PJ cut the grass in the back and then let the girls run through the sprinklers in the late afternoon while PJ and I shared a beer. Lovely. I have been so liberated by the 'chess game' frame of mind. Not to say that I'm thrilled about this - I'm still pretty pissed off as a matter of fact - but what good is that going to really do in the long run? We just need to find the right concoction is all. I'm willing to try anything at this point. Anything before we have to back to the BIG GUNS - I don't want to do that again. But yes, I will if I have to.

I find it so hard to know what to pray for these days - when prayers go unanswered, to me anyway, it confuses me. I mean, I still take great comfort in knowing that I am walking through this with Him, but I find myself not knowing what to pray for. When I prayed for a break, I didn't get it. When I prayed for healing, I didn't get it. I know I need to trust the journey - because I am supposed to experience all these things - it is the only way to continue to be closer to Him, but I'd be lying if I hadn't thought 'enough is enough already!'. These 'treatments' are for life - and I don't think I really got that until now. I thought that I would 'go through' this stuff, it would hopefully work then I'd be done. But stage IV isn't like that. It's already spread - so you really just are managing the disease for the rest of your life, trying to keep it at bay. What a bitch, right? There's not going to be a beginning middle and end - well, there will be, just not in the frame of mind that I thought it would be, like a story or something. Sucks. Just plain sucks.

PJ and I have been operating as of late as two people living along side each other - which isn't really like us. He's been so wrapped up in his job, and me with everything else, we haven't come together in the way we always have been in the past lately. It had to have been God on Friday that brought our conversation to fruition because we, as a married couple, weren't even close to this type of conversation when we had it - if that makes any sense. But we easily fell right back into it - which is a blessing in so many ways. Not only because of how it resonated with me - and I am the MOST skeptical when people try to give me any sort of 'pep' talk. I'm like, please - seriously? But not this time. Also because we needed this connection - or at least I did. I hadn't felt it in awhile and I missed it. I miss him.

Fathers Day was amazing today. Went to church, met Sean and Joe there then we all went to the park and had lunch. It was lovely. I can't begin to explain what it means to watch my husband with my children. They love him so much - and he is so wonderful with them. Then I went and saw my daddy this afternoon and had a great talk with him. It felt so good to tell him how lucky I am to have him as my dad. I am truly blessed, so blessed.

Well, took a Larazipan tonight - doc trying to get me off the percocet so this seems to be the answer. It works, gives me some crazy dreams, but it works.

God Bless