A Necessary Inconvenience

Isn't that the most wonderful description of what has unfolded today. Thank you Dr. Lindquist - you continue to show yourself as such a gift to me. Here we go:

Seems it is getting bigger. Went from 1.6 cm to 2.3. Sooooo - here we go. She initially wanted to start me back on the Taxol/Avastin chemo regime, but didn't want me to lose my lovely hair again so we explored some other options. To be honest, the hair was really the least of my worries, it was all the other crappy things I felt with the Taxol that I would really prefer never to experience again if it can be helped. Apparently, there are many other chemo drugs we can try before having to go back to the 'big guns'. Thank God?

We've decided to add Avastin back into my treatment plan in conjunction with the Xeloda chemo pills. It worked really great for me in the past, and the major side effect I experienced was nose bleeds - so I can live with that. Sucks that it is an infusion, and I will go every other week. If I respond to it, I'll do this for the rest of my life. We'll do a CT scan in 2 months to see how I'm responding.

Emotionally? I'm bummed. I really just wanted a break this time - for once. But that is not in my plan for whatever reason. This will push back my final reconstruction surgery as well since I can't have surgery while on this drug. So we're looking at Sept for that now instead of Aug. I asked her start the Avastin today - why waste time, right? PJ had a great take on this information that we're going to adopt as our way of thinking at this point. I'll wallow in this 'bummed-ness' for a spell, then we're going to just look at this whole thing as a chess game. A chess game between me and cancer. I make a move, it makes a move. I think about the move it makes and make my next move. It does not play fair - and neither will I. I'm giving it a big FUCK YOU right now and shooting it with a blast of avastin. PJ says 'you want to play this game for the rest of my life? so be it - I've got all the time in the world'. Amazing man I am married to - and this frame of mind sits well in my psyche. So here we are.

Part of me doesn't want anyone to know - to hide this and act like everything is fine to everyone. But I know that is not what God teaches us to do. I need to share my pain and frustration with those who love and care about me - that is the only way to travel through such emotions. Straight through them, and not look back. I just cringe at the thought of the looks - the pity looks. I know people mean well, but sometimes it's all that I can bear. I just want to scream "I'm Fine!" Funny thing is, I feel perfectly fine. Best I've felt as a matter of fact - guess that's blessing too. Oh, I lost 5 lbs. That's a good thing too I guess. At least this news didn't make me want to go and eat something fattening. Drats.

I will always have 'why?' in the back of my mind. But I am constantly reminded of Jeremiah 29:11 - this verse was in an email to me this morning and this was the verse that was presented to me at the very beginning of this journey. I will hold tight to this and move forward and not look back. We got home today and I immediately went outside and filled the little pool for my girls and watched them giggle and swim. Then we all cuddled on the couch and watched Toy Story 2. It was the ultimate best feeling. That's what fills me up - my girls, my family, my friends, my Lord. I'm fighting this thing with every ounce of strength I can muster. In short - I don't have time to have cancer.

God Bless -