So... my husband was totally checking me out....

He was. He was checkin out my new rack. It was pretty awesome I must say. And I have finally embraced the need to NOT wear a bra - I mean, I don't need one. At all. If I'm wearing white, yes, mostly cuz you can sort of see my scars across the top - but for the most part, I'm braless. It's pretty cool. I also went through a spell recently of no underwear, but I have since corrected that. Not sure where I thought I was going with that train of thought, but it didn't end up in a productive place at ALL. That's all I'll say about that.

So I encounter one of the employees at the Y today and once I hear her comment I realize that I am wearing one of my cancer t-shirts. These have become great workout shirts now, and I just forget that I'm wearing them. In any case, I'm wearing a black t-shirt that says "Imagine A World Without Cancer - save the TaTa's' and the woman laughs and says "I've got to get one of those for my sister, save the tatas, that's funny". Now, I know she didn't mean anything by it, but I was suddenly pissed off. More so than my usual constant 'pissed off' ness. I give her the preverbial half smile and a little 'hmm' under my breath and proceed to take my lovely children to their prospective areas while I work out. I examine this reaction of mine while on the elliptical and wonder where my sense of 'cancer cordiallity' has gone. I used to greet everyone with a smile and consistently have that underlying 'don't mess with me cancer!' attitude - where has that gone? Now I just want everyone who doesn't know me to just leave me alone. Guess I better stop wearing these t-shirts because they do, among other thing, invite conversation with people I may not want to have 'cancer exchanges' with right now. I mean, the fight is still there, I don't believe I've lost that, I just can't shake this 'pissed off' feeling. I remember expressing this right when I was diagnosed and someone told me from the Advanced Breast Cancer website that I would always be pissed off, that would never go away. I think she was right. It just morphs into different degrees of 'pissed off' ness - and I seem to be at a high at this point. I know in my heart it is doing me no good, no good at all to stay in this toxic place. I need to look forward and move forward - all this looking back and what I WISH I had is not doing me any good. Boy that is hard to do sometimes.

My good friend gave me some awsome advice last night - she said I need to be super picky about what I let into my life, because stressful things will just distract me from this fight which, much like the 'chess game', requires focus, attention, and all the strength I can muster. Anything I invite in or try to entertain that takes away from that is toxic - I have to avoid stress as much as possible or it will completely give in to this disease. Life in general can be stressful, I know this - but being aware of this 'filter' can be really beneficial. I believe this. My 'attitude' is one of these things, and I need to work on it. I think I just need to start praying about it - because I haven't been able to tackle this on my own. I've been in this frame of mind for over a week now and it's exhausting.

I know I need to just cry about this too - as silly as that may sound. Maybe I'm in pissed off mode because I haven't allowed myself to just cry about this. Believe it or not, I haven't had time to do this - I need to schedule my emotional breakdown - spoken like a true mother of two - right? I know me, and I know I just need to cry. Spend some time crying and praying can do wonders for me.

Well, enough for now - Ginger just woke up so I am off to mother her. Thank you Jesus.

God Bless -