Who do I sue for Cancer Harassment?

Ya know - it's funny. I think I really thought, subconsciously, that I would go through a bunch of really heavy crap with this, it would then either be gone or not - and it turned out to be gone, thank you Jesus, then I would take my new founded enlightened view of life and live it. I didn't think this would be a continuous fight - and I'm not sure why. I have been finding myself continually in this 'pissed off' mode - not scared, just angry. My girlfriend put it beautifully - she said 'what is this? it really seems like harassment - cancer harassment". That's exactly how I feel. I just want a frickin break - ya know? But alas, this is not my path. Something else, it's interesting to see how people react as this journey of mine continues to play itself out. My tight knit group are in it for the long haul - they always have been. Then there's that next layer of people who just don't know how to react. It's like they showed up for the 'Hurrah! Let's Fight!' portion, but now just don't know how to react to this next phase. It's almost like - 'I ran out of inspirational things to say, what do I say now?' kind of looks. Then there are the people that just aren't there anymore. Weird. I'm not hurt, or upset, I don't really feel anything actually - I'm really just so curious about how this plays out for myself, and the people around me. I get so inspired by people who send me messages though - there are so many people who put their words out there for me to read, either on this blog or on Facebook or in personal emails - and each and every one of them make me fight harder. For that, I am truly blessed to have so many people in cyberspace, if you will, rooting for me. Thank you. I won't let you down.

Obviously needed to purge THAT out of my heart tonight. Went down to Phx today for a fill and since we need to push my surgery back a bit, we're going to do my fills every 2 weeks instead of every week. This actually will work better now I think - I don't have to rush down to 115 degree weather every week (not kidding, you should have seen Madeline react to her first Phx summer weather - she told me she needed a cold cloth for her head). Plus, this will give my chest time to compensate for the fills. Needless to say, feeling 'perky' today. I'll have to post some recent pics. OH - that reminds me. I'm sitting in the waiting area of my plastic surgeons office today explaining to Veronica my current medical situation. I don't broadcast what's happening to me, but I'm not worried about people overhearing either - don't really care who hears what anymore. Anyway, this older couple is sitting there in the waiting area as well, I'd say the woman was maybe late 50's. She approaches me after Veronica leaves and says 'I didn't mean to overhear but did you have a mastectomy?' to which I respond 'yes' she tells me she did as well then pulls down her top to show me her implants. I was literally, maybe a foot away from this woman when she popped em right out there for me to see. Wow. Then she was called next and off she went. I was taken aback at first, but then, well, just kinda thought - whatever. Isn't that funny. So not a big deal. I wonder if I'll do that. Do I do that now? Hmmmm. Hers looked pretty decent actually. I think I was coveting someone else's reconstruction.

I was thinking the other day that I really just need to believe that I am getting better. I let my mind wander sometimes, really wander, and I don't think that is serving me well at all. I talked about this with PJ and I think it really is that simple. Just believe my liver is getting healthier and healthier. Kinda what Pastor Mary said, even when you don't want to smile, smile and your emotions will eventually catch up with your face. I've been trying this out today and it really does work. When I start wandering in my head, I start smiling and saying to myself 'my liver is healthy my liver is healthy my liver is healthy'. Mind you, I look like a frickin psycho - but it really does work. It really is that simple. I know I need some rejuvenation in the prayer area, that will help as well. But it really is that simple. It completely changes my mind. Cool.

Well, it's been a long day and time for me to turn in. My day was one of swim lessons, working out, Ginger attached to my leg, driving to Phx where my mom watched my kids while I drove to my dr appt (thank you mom and Brit!) picked them up to have Ginger screaming crying for me, drove home, baths & dinner w/o my hubby cuz he's working his ass off then preparing for my retreat this weekend. I love that I have the energy to do this, how blessed I am.

God Bless all -