My Cancer is Better than Your Cancer

It occurred to me while in the shower this evening, that when people approach me with their cancer stories, they usually end it with something like ' but I never went through what YOU'VE gone through' or something like that - and I think I've been taking this completely wrong. I was hearing this to say "your cancer was WAY worse than mine' but what I think they have meant is that they didn't mean any insult to me by trying to compare cancer stories. Now, to me - cancer of any kind just plain sucks. So comparing - as much as we can't help ourselves from doing - is just silly. Everyone is different and the smallest of cancer cases can hit someone like a load of bricks then on the other hand the worst of cases someone can seemingly fly through - so - my point is once again, as I think I've done like a buttload of posts on this subject - it's all relative. Cancer just sucks for anyone who has it - and we just can't compare my cancer to your cancer to his cancer to hers. It just doesn't work like that. I suppose we subconsciously want to find some comfort in someone else's experience - something to tell us 'its going to be ok' - problem is, we would then have to listen to ALL of the comparable stories, and who wants to do that? I'd only want to pick and choose the ones I would like to compare myself to, and that is just not realistic. So, we walk our own path. Holding His hand in ours, some days tighter than others. And I try to remember myself in fact - to walk along side my fellow cancer survivors, and hold their hand with my other hand, some days tighter than others, instead of compare myself to them. We need each other - for better or for worse.

So Ginger had her MRI on Friday and I have to say, it was a pretty awful experience. They had to put her out for this, and I thought they would do this by IV but alas, no. The IV went in AFTER they put her out. They used the mask and I held her as she wrestled to break free - it was awful. I actually held it together until they laid her down on the MRI machine and told me to kiss her goodbye - that's when I lost it. She looked, well, it was just awful. I waited in the waiting room and just started texting my friends to pray, and I just sat there and cried while I did it. They almost didn't let me in the MRI area because of the stupid 'clips' I have in my arteries after my theresphere - didn't realize those were metal and the MRI machine could possibly dislodge them - hmmmm, that would not be convenient would it? They figured out a way to make it work obviously, but I was so pissed that this suddenly became about me - and this was NOT about me, this was about Ginger. In any case, the amazing staff at PCH came and got me when she just started coming out of the anesthetic, and I had a feeling this was not going to go very well. In normal everyday Mountcastle life, if I wake up Ginger before Ginger is ready to wake up, she is a complete bear. I mean, bad. So I had a sneaky suspicion that this was not going to go well - I was right. She cried, she screamed, she kicked, scratched you name it - and she did all of these things at once, slowly increasing her energy level. I finally got her somewhat calmed down, and luckily she got into the car and was asleep within 5 minutes of pulling out of the parking lot and I just got on the freeway and started driving. By the time we got home, she was pretty much completely back to normal. I felt like I had been put through the ringer. This mom stuff sucks sometimes. I just wanted to do it for her - it was heart wrenching to see my baby being scared like this - I can't even explain this. So now, I wait. I called yesterday morning then again this afternoon. Nothing. Trust Dina, trust.

So far the exercise is going great, and I am feeling stronger and stronger each day. I've missed this the past 2 years, and looking forward, I don't believe I will have the 'surgical interruptions' I kept having last year and the year before that. I'm feeling really great. If all goes well, I think I'm going to try to do the Komen 3 Day Walk this year. We'll see - but I think I could really do it this year. I've wanted to do this the past 2 years, but for obvious reasons, was not able to push myself when it came around. This year will be different. It already is.

I'm back taking a WOW class, and my MOPS is going great - and the past couple of weeks I just have decided that if there is someone I want to spend time with, or something we want to do, we need to try to just see that person, do that family thing, see that movie, blah blah blah. Life is just too short to keep making excuses for not doing what fills us up - ya know? I'm not talking about doing this in an irresponsible way, you can't lose focus on being responsible - but the moment I realized that perhaps I have lived my life subconsciously abiding by what I thought I 'needed' to do rather than what I 'wanted' do to - it's like a light switched on. I WANT to love on my family and friends, I want to make time to give back, I WANT to spend more time in the Word, yet we push these things aside for things we feel we HAVE to do. Interesting, and I'm trying to make strides to change my mind on this - we'll see.

Please keep the prayers coming for my Ginger. My gut is telling me everything is fine, and this test, this very expensive $1700 test, will simply put my mind at ease. I'd keep paying this off a thousand times over for sweet peace of mind. Trust Dina, trust.

God Bless -