Smiling Through My CT Scan

I can honestly say this is the first time I've done this. I am sitting here at a computer station at Cancer Treatment Centers of America because they ROCK and awaiting my dr appt with my team to get the final results of the theresphere procedure. I was in here this morning around 10am for my CT scan, and I have to say, I was smiling, almost giggling, through the entire thing. I have no idea why, it's just that I am filled with so much joy today - it's weird. Considering I had reached my breaking point last night and blessedly, my husband caught on and suggested quite sternly to go take a moment in the bedroom to myself. Normally I would dismiss this suggestion and say that I was fine, but that little voice told me to push through the pride and go take a moment. I didn't even have the door closed and was in tears. Sometimes we just need a good cry, I think it is really just as simple as that. There is so much going through our brains that we reach a 'full capacity' mark and we need to deflate. I picked up my Mother's Bible cuz that was the closest and went back to the index to find just the right verse to, well, I don't know, bring me comfort? Explain what I was feeling? I don't know - I just went there. I looked up STRESS in the index and for those of you who have one of these amazing Mom's Bibles, go to page 619. It did not direct me to a Bible verse, but a devotion. I would post the whole thing here if I had it on me, but I don't - but I will share this portion of it with you as I shared this on FB last night:

‎'When we cry, we admit our human frailty to ourselves and those around us. We express our finite limitations as mothers and as women. We acknowledge our weaknesses without relinquishing ourselves to their power.'

Amazing. I felt cleansed and refreshed in just enough time to hear my little ones sobbing 'Mommy! Mommy!' outside my bedroom door. It took all of about, 10 minutes. So I guess I just wanted to share that coming from someone who overthinks EVERYTHING - sometimes we just need to give ourselves 10 minutes and just cry. Then take a deep breath, thank God, and return to life. Keep it simple stupid. (i say this to myself, certainly not calling anyone stupid)

I arrived here this morning, and was almost skipping into the building. I don't know what these results will bring, but I do know that I am feeling the most centered, physically and spiritually, than I have ever in my life. I am so much closer to complete trust, it is really and truly amazing. I sit in these waiting rooms, and I see the faces of all these other cancer patients, and the ones I am most touched by are the ones who look down - the ones who try not to look me in the eye - the ones who are afraid. I just want to reach out and hug them and tell them it's ok - so I try hard to catch their attention and then just give them a subtle smile. I don't care if they smile back or not, because I know what a difference a smile made to me when I was where they are, fear wise, and it was like a dim light was shone into my heart, as corny as that sounds. Fear has no place, no home in this disease - yet it seems to be the first one to walk through the door - right? It is human to fear, but God is bigger than this - and it is in that we must trust. It takes practice, lots and lots of practice - but pretty soon, it becomes second nature. I'm so happy to be closer and closer to that place.

Someone recently said to me that I was 'the face of hope' to others facing this disease - and I was blown away by this. Me? Ironically enough, I sometimes think that I'm the LAST person people want to see when they are diagnosed or find themselves close to this disease simply because of the seriousness of my specific case, but then I have to remember - I am walking around being me just as much, if not MORE than I was before I knew I had this - I guess that is a good thing to see. I'm not the preachy type of person, I think I can say a lot more in simply reflecting his love than to come out and say "Hey! You better give this to God and get that relationship with Jesus thing goin for ya Mister!!!" Not really my style. If me simply being around people and reflecting what my spirituality has ignited in me gives people hope? Then I'm doing exactly what He is intending - whether they believe or not. I think people get this on many levels - I often pray that people know God's presence in whatever form they are able to understand it. Be it a gentle breeze, a sudden rush of enthusiasm you can't explain, or suddenly finding yourself in the short line at the DMV - whatever works, right?

This week, and it's only Thurs, has been filled with moments for me that have tested my faith - in people and circumstances. I am so happy to discover that my instincts have changed. It sucks that it was cancer that got me to the place where this change started to occur, but it did. I obviously am rambling here because I've got time to kill before this dr appt - so I'll wrap it up with this: I had a random mental picture this morning as I drove into Phx of me standing in soft green grass, sun beaming down from above, my children standing next to me looking up at my face, smiling, and me looking up to the heavens, smiling. Not intentionally leaving PJ out of the picture here, but what I think this means, I don't really know, is the lined connection in this vision that just keeps going and going and I take great, great comfort in that. If I were looking down at my children the connection would only go back and forth and not go anywhere, but looking up makes the connection go right through us, as one. Alright, I'll step down once again. PJ always tells me that I have to be up higher than everyone else, I assure him it's only because I feel like I've been 6 feet tall my entire life. I know nothing else. I'll keep everyone posted.

God Bless