Wire Hanger Shoulders

This seems to be where I am carrying all my stress as of late. In my shoulders - ever feel like there is a wire hanger strewn through your shoulders? That's exactly how I feel lately. I'm blessed that my cancer is stable - but I do need to keep in mind that it's not gone, it's just not growing. So the attention I need to pay to my own physical and mental well being is essential - but wow - that doesn't mean the world stops while I tend to these things. Wish it did. Wouldn't that be awesome? I would put a huge red button in my minivan - right next to my cell phone compartment - and I could press it when I wanted everything to stop - just stop so I could catch my breath, finish my thought, listen to a song, breathe deeply, or yes, curse out the many idiots that drive around this town that go 10 miles under the speed limit for no apparent reason whatsoever. But no - no button.

PJ and I asked my mom to move up here, in with us. It's not safe for her to be by herself, and it's just the right thing to do. My words came back to me this week - an exchange I had with Madeline last year sometime, where she was given a toy by her Sunday school teacher that they thought was hers - and it wasn't. I made her take it back and she didn't want to - for obvious reasons. I looked at her and said - "the right thing to do is sometimes the hardest thing to do - that's why not many people do the right thing". I have no idea where this came from - but I was blessed to say this - and now, well, I'm trying to do the right thing. I have these visions of our house turning into the house in Charlie and The Chocolate Factory where we live in this tiny little house and we all sleep together in the great big bed. Creepy. But we need to get the clearance from the pulmonologist (sp?) as I don't want the altitude to make her worse - gotta make sure it's safe. Then to boot - PJ's mom is now homeless for some reason and wanted to move in with us as well. WTF?? We don't have a lot here - we have this small 1600 sqft home in Dewey Az - where are we supposed to put all these people? We are fun people, yea, but we aren't THAT fun! Maybe we are - hmmmm. I will try to be less fun. There is WAY too much background to go into about PJ's mom - let me just say that no, we didn't offer, we don't have room - we can't. End of story.

I'm up to my eyeballs in legal paperwork for my mom and for Brittany. I know what to do - just trying to find the time to do it all is my problem of late. On the good side, watching Brittany take flight in some of these fabulous programs up here has been very rewarding. It's like she's finding out who she is - pretty awesome.

I sat with my mom at her dr appt on Tues and she had the guts to ask the scary questions. The 'am I going to die' question and the 'how much time do I have' question. Ironically, he didn't have any answer - which is so true - because as he said 'only the man upstairs knows when it is our time' - refreshing. However, he said that with my mothers type of cancer the survival rate at the time of diagnosis was 12 months - that was 3 years ago - so there you go. I heard this as a good thing, but I'm not sure how my mom heard this information. Surreal. I was trying to tell PJ that I need to distance myself emotionally from this in order to function within this situation. The moment I let myself connect to the 'feeling' my mother is possibly experiencing I completely fall apart - I put myself in her position and I remember, quite vividly that fearful state of mind. If I allow myself to go there and actually feel what she is feeling, I lose myself completely. So I stay focused on just being there for her - not taking over, just being there. Needless to say - I am praying a LOT lately. Well, I pray a lot anyway - my prayers are just more specific as of late.

One cool thing that happened recently is I have been invited to audition to sing with the contemporary band at my church. Now, it has been a LONG time before I felt excited like this about anything. I felt like I used to feel when I would get the part I wanted in a play or musical I auditioned for - just super excited and like a little kid. Now I don't know what will come of this, but I can't tell you how excited I am to just be asked, and to get the opportunity to go sing with people I have the utmost admiration for - pretty frickin cool. I audition tomorrow, so excited.

My pneumonia is 90% gone according to my doctor at CTCA. He gave me a month leash and I'll go back middle of next month for another xray. I've been back on the antibiotics they had me on before, and I am feeling better. Still some tightness in my right side, but better. Had my 3rd and final tattooing done on Tues so we will make sure that heals and then I should be all done with my reconstruction. Yipee!!!! I really love my new boobies. They are super terrific. PJ seems to agree as well ;-)

I've lost 21 lbs now - feeling so frickin awesome and confident. Getting back to exercising now and eating better, making better choices. Feels so good.

That's it for now. Have to share this amazing God moment - I had recently picked up a prayer book for a friend of mine and was flipping through it before I wrapped it up to give to her. I automatically turn to a prayer called 'Hospitality' - and it has this beautiful prayer then related it back to this verse, Romans 12:13: 'When God's people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality.' Sometimes we just need to forge ahead in this life - look ahead and just do it. Just frickin do it. Don't hesitate, don't doubt, don't bitch, don't think 'what if', don't second guess - just do it. This is what we must do.

God Bless -

Learning To Listen

So here I sit at CTCA awaiting my latest chest xray to see if this pesky pneumonia is finally gone. On the horizon after this? I venture off, barring I am fine, (well, not really) to check into a hotel room for the night because I need to see my mom who I haven't seen since she was released from the hospital on Mothers Day. We need to do some paperwork stuff, bank stuff, blah blah blah. She is now at home, with in home health care visiting her as she is not steady on her feet and is on pain meds so driving is out of the question. She developed additional blot clots in the other leg - so they are monitoring her blood levels as she is obviously on blood thinners. I can't stay at my moms, which is a major bummer, because I have been ademently told by my doctors I need to stay away from cig smoke as it could trigger my pneumonia once again. We have Brittany up with us and I have blessedly been able to get her dental work underway, covering 9 appointments. She seems to be adjusting well, this is all different for her too. I have also blessedly been able to get her involved in some programs for the developmentally disabled and she really seems to be enjoying that. Thank you Jesus for leading me to my community of church and friends - they have all helped me make this happen for Britt - it's pretty cool to watch.

I have to be honest. I have my moments where I am completely and utterly overwhelmed. I feel pulled in every direction, and it when it happens, it's usually around like, 6-7pm - I feel as if I could scream at the top of my lungs for the world to just stop, just stop for a moment and let me catch my breath. Oddly enough, this feeling hasn't happened as often as I would have expected. There is a deep sense of peace within my heart that this is exactly what we are supposed to be doing. My husband and I look at each other and our hearts, as corny as that sounds, are in such agreement on this. I love Brittany, don't get me wrong, but for the longest time she (and I'm going to be brutally honest here) frustrated the hell out of me. See, I knew Brittany before she was diagnosed with brain cancer at age 3 - and she was just as normal as any other little toddler. I think I always thought, or maybe just wished, that she was still that healthy little girl. Radation treatments into a developing 3 year old brain is what has done her the damage she lives with today at 24 - not the brain cancer. Ironic isn't it. In any case, and I have no other explanation for it because this literally has come out of nowhere - when all this crap went down with my mom and I had to swoop in and get Britt, all of that frustration - 20 years of it people - was gone. I see her with new eyes. I see her as this child of God who deserves the same chance in life that any of us deserve. And, what a gift she is to me, my family, my children!! What is this teaching them about loving each other!!! I can only thank God for this - only He would be powerful enough to turn 20 years of anger into humility in an instant for me. It is crazy amazing. Now, onto the guilt. Oooooohhhh I am a guilt MONGER - oy. I am organizing help for my mom down in Phx beacause I just can't be in two places at once, much to my frustration. I've got her covered for another 3 weeks - but after that, I'm not quite sure what is going to happen. I pray she gets strong enough to be on her own again, time will only tell. We all have to work together, including her, to get her stronger and better. We've got a long road ahead of us. I literally am thinking day by day right now. Which is good, but very dangerous as I forget to see what's coming up on my calendar. So look, Dina, look at what's coming up you dork, just DEAL with the now. Oy again.

Now me - I've got to monitor this pneumonia thing so carefully - it is serious, I know this. I have to do my part to take care of me - so when I get tired, I need to try and rest, even if it is for 5 minutes (not kidding - 5 minute power naps are doingme wonders these days). And I can't begin to tell you how much Jesus keeps me in line - again, as dorky as that sounds, He does. Again, my morning shower moments, He spoke to me this week showing me how amazing He is in orchestrating the people in my life to help me handle what is currently on my plate. I can't imagine where I would be in all of this without the people I currently have in my life. I know that my heart would be filled with anger, fear, bitterness, blame, just plain nasty - I can remember that Dina quite vividly - and she has been taken over by a trusting, peacefilled, faith driven person that really just wants to love on people. It is WAY less work and WAY more rewarding to be this Dina - so bring it all on, I am not afraid, I will take on cancer, pneumonia, help my mom through her cancer, be the caregiver to my neice, whatever gets thrown my direction - these are all tests of how I choose to react to them and how much I am willing to trust Him. My mom used to say to me, "Dina, when you get up in the morning, you get to decide what kind of day you are going to have". That's why we were given free will - she's right.

Yesterday was just a pretty awesome day in general. My last MOPS meeting for the year went great - we had sooo much fun it was like a 'mommy playdate' with 50 women. Awesome!!! Then I took Brittany to a function through a group called SNAP where they all met for dinner and a movie. She was so excited. I actually cried when I dropped her off like she was one of my own. Then, I come home and my husband comes up to me and tells me he wanted to read something to me. Now here I am thinking it's going to be some dirty email he just received - but no. He pulls me aside to read to me Proverbs 31:10-31. Have you read this passage?? I never have, and to have my husband read this to me, tears filling his eyes, I can honestly say I have never felt more blessed in my life. What a wonderful gift my husband is to me. Through all this crap - and yes, sometimes it all very much feels like crap - there is light. Ya gotta just look for it. READ THIS PASSAGE IT IS AMAZING!!!

So now I have to go downstairs, see what's cookin with this xray and hopefully get my infusion today. I thank God for my life everyday - in the shower. So now you all know that I am a clean person. And I've decided it can be a much better day in general when I decide to just smile at people. Kinda lightens the load - and any little bit helps in that arena these days.

God Bless -

Prayers answered

So as I drove down the hill Friday morning, I prayed. I usually do - all the time actually - especially when I'm driving for many things - but this time I prayed specifically for the following: status quo. That's it. I cried as I spoke w/ Jesus in my car with Bonnie Rait playing low in the background - that what I was doing, treatment wise right now - the 2 Xeloda a day and the Arimidex was totally doable for me - I can handle this - please God, please, just let it be working to stop the growth of this tumor on my liver. My liver function is normal, so if we can manage what we have I am totally content with that - I can do this - I am doing this. I was ready though for anything - but anxious, very anxious. See I haven't felt good since the pneumonia, and that was weighing heavily on my heart and allowing fear to take hold. Whenever I don't feel very good I can't help but think the worst eventually. Sorta sucks.

So I get there, and CTCA is having this huge production for 5 year survivors. The whole place is just bursting with energy and decorations and luncheon tables - it was awesome. In any case, got my blood drawn then headed down to imaging for my CT scan. I tell the awesome tech David that I had pneumonia and he starts asking me questions about it during my scan. He asks me 'when did you have pneumonia?' and I'm all 'uh, why?' Duh Dina - the radiologist who reads my scan kinda needs to know this when he is looking at it - what is wrong with me? Anyhoo - I go right to my dr appt and after waiting which seemed like an eternity, my onc comes in and says - 'well, you still have pneumonia'. What?? Seriously? Then he says, I'll be back in a min I need to look at your scan again. Ugh - seriously? I have to admit, part of me was sooooo relieved. I mean, I hadn't felt 100% since I got pneumonia at the beginning of April - but I finished the drugs and even though I still had pain in my right side everyone kept telling me that was normal. In any case, I still have it. Then, as if it was like a secondary, no biggie kind of thing - he comes back in and says - oh, and the tumor on the liver is showing no change. Inside I am like WOO HOO!!!! I Just have pneumonia!!!! WOO HOO!!!!! I never thought I would be excited to just have pneumonia. So now he has me on Ampicillin 4x a day for 10 days then I go back and see him, have a chest xray and have my Zometa since he didn't want to do that until we had this pneumonia under control. I immediately praised God for my answered prayer. This is the first time in a long time I've had news of it not growing, and ya know what? I will take stable. Others have said 'I want it gone!' which, duh, yea so do I - but ya know what? I am perfectly blessed and content with this. What a gift.

My mom however was back in the hospital this past weekend. I'm so emotionally overwhelmed right now with this, I can't even write about it. I've told the story here a couple different ways and have deleted each of them - so I'm going to leave it at this for now until I can figure out how best to express my feelings on this - I think I am in 'task mode' with various arrangements for her and I've got Britt up here tending to some much needed care for her - I have blessedly arranged friends and family to help me as mom transitions into her new home health care life, and I was privileged enough to spend Mothers Day with my mom in the hospital. This is a difficult transition from daughter to caregiver - but this is where we are and I am privileged to love on my mom in this way. I just need to balance it - remember that God has her, not me - I am merely here to do His work. I constantly need to remind myself to not take it on, take it over, fix it - blah blah blah. And keep the guilt at bay - that doesn't help anyone. I can't really write anymore about this right now.

My Mothers day was awesome regardless - my kids and husband showed up for me emotionally in ways I can not explain. They are amazing - and I am so blessed to have my beautiful family. Very tired right now - need to rest. Oh yea - guess I gotta kick this stupid pneumonia - again. Oy - can you believe it?

God Bless -

Pneumonia of the brain.....

I haven't posted in quite awhile, and I know why. Pneumonia not only did a number on me physically, it did a number on me mentally, and I've been slowly trying to work through this silently on my own. It has really been terrible. I hit my breaking point this past Friday, where I seriously thought I was going crazy. I found myself in our bathroom, pocket door closed, sitting on the floor laying my head on a closed toilet seat just crying. I knew I had to do this for a couple weeks, just cry. I just couldn't fit it into my schedule. Therefore, it came and took me on it's schedule - which was while I was trying frantically to decorate for Ginger's b-day party late fri night for the next day. Pneumonia has shown me my own frailty - because to be honest, I've never felt 'sick' with breast cancer, the drugs I take for it have made me sick, but I never felt 'sick' with it - pneumonia, made me feel very sick. Frighteningly sick. And that was something I haven't ever experienced thus far. Plus dealing with the looks and the comments once people heard that I had pneumonia - geez - that made me even more sick. Like the old person who breaks their hip and everyone gives them the 'well, this is the beginning of the end' kind of look? That's how I felt. Funny thing was, I was fine - super fine - before this came on - and it came on literally overnight for me - so strange. I immediately prayed for healing, knowing that God totally had my back on this, which took a lot of the overall fear away, but the physical pain was something new for me - the difficulty breathing and how scary that felt - this was all new to me, and process. It is probably completely normal for me to go to the 'dark place' and I indeed did. I felt like screaming 'i have pneumonia - big frickin deal! people get this all the time - I didn't get this cuz I have cancer - I got it cuz I got it - simple as that!" Did God give me pneumonia? No - not anymore than God gave me cancer - but He uses this if I will let Him, to teach me - and He has taught me so much, in fact I'm still learning.

And, my mom is not doing real well - I know she faithfully reads my blog, so I have been hesitant to write about this - another reason I haven't posted in awhile. She has just become so weak by not really eating and keeping up her strength and going through chemo herself, that she is now to the point where we need to get her some help in the home. We ended up calling 911 in the middle of Ginger's party because my mom was having trouble breathing. I know my mom felt terrible for this, but I was just glad she got the help she needed, and, it brought us all to a different reality I think. The reality that she needs help now - that's just where we are right now. We are all in the middle of trying to process this, trying to get proper care for Brittany as she needs some care right now, get mom the medical attention she needs, relieve her pain - just try to shift into this new reality. I know I have been having some challenges processing it - I can only imagine what my mother is going through. I think that is what hurts so much, to think how she is battling the frustration of losing control - then trying very hard to keep myself from 'feeling' that right along with her. I do ya know, I'm just like that. Especially with my mom - I can just feel her - so strong. I'm so pissed I am battling this stupid disease when I'm supposed to be the healthy daughter taking care of her mother. That is what I am supposed to do - but I need to be careful, really careful, not to fall into that same trap I used to of disregarding my own needs for others - cuz that could literally kill me if I'm not careful - one thing cancer does love, is stress. So this is a real test for me - a test of faith to be honest. Not only do I have to trust the Lord with my own health, which I will get into in just a moment, I need to trust Him with my mothers. He has my mother in his hands, and just writing that warms my heart and takes all my fear and sadness away. I know He does. If I am so stressed trying to fix everything for my mother, I am not able to hear God telling me what He needs me to do to help her - and that is what I need to be for my mother, helping her, not fixing her. It's like the one thing I've been working on, trusting God more and not trying to take on everything myself, is being put to the test in like the hugest way possible right now. I have moments where I can literally feel my heart beating in my throat - I get so anxious and stressed I can feel it beating in the back of my throat - then other moments where I'm fine and full of faith - then moments when I just completely break down in tears. I'm now making my way through the sea of 'in home care' information, medical alert systems, finding facilities to help my mom live a comfortable pain free life - it's surreal.

I have my appointment tomorrow at CTCA for a scan to see where we are with this current medication regime - and I have to say, I'm nervous. I haven't felt real great - gee - I wonder why. And when you don't feel good, you immediately go into panic mode. I think I used to think I had to convince myself that I was healed in order to be healed - if that makes sense. Like if I kept being afraid of the cancer it would come back and get me - so I had to convince myself otherwise. Well, that obviously didn't pan out. Then I think I figured it out. I think I figured out what the TRUST part really meant. It means I trust Him no matter WHAT the frickin scan says. I trust Him entirely. He has got my back on this - and I am ready for whatever may lie ahead for me - that is where I need to be. Yes, we are supposed to ask and He gives - but sometimes, He doesn't - and we don't know why - we just need to trust He knows what the hell He's doing - and I think He does - know what He's doing. It was like a light went off in my head. What I get from God is the peace and reassurance that He is with me - that is where the trust comes from - and that is where I need to place all of my focus. Again, I base how I feel off me and how I feel in my heart - not any medical opinion, scan or report. Yes, I am nervous about tomorrow, but then I think of Jesus, having my hand in His as we walk through the doors - and know that He's totally got my back in this - no matter what happens.

Something I'm so thankful for was a reminder one Sunday awhile back is to give my life to Him. Every morning - as a reminder for myself, I say this in my prayers. One of the messages delivered by Pastor Jack talked about this - and I totally felt like I was off the hook finally on this one. I mean, I can think back to a time when I was like, 12, where I 'accepted Jesus into my heart' but hellloooo!!! I was 12 - what the hell did I really know about that? I always felt like whenever anyone spoke about this monumental moment I would think back on mine and go 'well, I think I did it cuz it was what I felt I was supposed to do, not what I wanted to do' and always kind of felt guilty about that. To hear it is okay to do this everyday - was a huge spiritual relief to me. It is a reminder to me to do this everyday, which I totally need. In fact, I should probably put this on my daily To Do list - top of the list - give it to Him - next - buy more cheese.

After my appt tomorrow I am off to my mom's to discuss some things about her care, Britts care -etc. I know we can't control when we get to handle things, but man, sometimes I wish we could, right? I mean, it is a constant battle for me to NOT swoop in and take over - but I can't. I just can't. I have my family and girls who need me - I have a responsibility to them to listen to my body and give it a rest when it needs it - to feed it, to take care of it, to listen to it and respond correctly. I am responsible for too much not to. I love my mother so much - and want to be able to help her in a way that doesn't step on her toes, that allows her to keep a sense of self and dignity and independence. I want her at peace with herself, no pain, safe, comfortable and totally connected with God. I will do whatever I am able to make these things happen for her - if she'll let me.

Please keep my mom in your prayers - she is just the most awesome woman going through a huge life transition right now. And I know I need to blog more - I'm sorry for not keeping everyone in the loop about what is happening over here - this past month has been probably one of the most difficult in my life, on so many levels - some of which I'm not even discussing here. I need to remember it helps me immensely to get it out here - in this venue. To get it out of my head and see it here in written form sometimes makes it make way more sense.

I'll write tomorrow to advise of scan results, thank you for your prayers.

God Bless

Dina + Pneumonia = Molasses

I am totally on the mend, so I am thankful for that. However, this thing will literally stop you in your tracks. Right when I subconsciously try to walk at my normal pace, I get short of breath and need to stop - catch my breath, and start walking again, slowly. Not really easy when you've got an almost 3 year old running ahead of you. Can you believe my precious little Ginger will be 3 on the 30th of this month? Wow. My little miracle child. She is doing great on the meds, and we are just thankful for each day that goes by seizure-free. That is the simplest way for me to think about it - and the safest way for my mind to digest it. Keep it simple stupid. I am doing better, just slow moving. My onc gave me the go ahead to get back on my chemo pills, so I am thankful for that - but my last CBC gave a slightly low platelet count - which could very well have to do with the massive amounts of Advil I've been taking - so I'll knock that down a bit and we'll see where my labs come in next Fri. I've never had an issue with platelets, so this is new information. We'll see how this plays out. Very happy to get back on my pills though - I was off for 2 weeks. yuk. I was very blessed that my MOPS friends totally showed up for me during this time providing meals for me and my family. I know I mentioned it when they did this for me through my initial chemo treatments, but seriously, is this not the best gift? To not have to worry about feeding your family? I mean, being sick comes with it's own set of 'guilt' anyway - the mom kinda holds the the emotional 'reins' if you will for the entire family, and when she goes down, it's like the whole house falls apart. Like everyone's pissed that I'm sick - as if I'm not pissed enough about it - ya know? PJ even said one evening 'I'm just pissed your sick'. Yea, me too. In any case, it was awesome to have the meals, and then my dad and Nancy came and would help with Ginger when I needed to go pick up Madeline from school. My dad even picked her up himself one day from school - what an awesome treat that was for her! She spoke about it all weekend, so frickin cool. So the pain continues in my right side when I take a super deep breath, and I get winded pretty quickly - other than that, I'm, feeling good. Trying to get lots of sleep and drinking tons of green tea and water. I have to look at this as a lesson to slow down, and a blessing that I caught this now, not when I was going through the heavy chemo. That would have really sucked. I have to say though, to my credit - that it took me a week to really get past the bad part - and I think that is pretty good actually. I'm blessed that I'm a healthy person, and can fight this nasty thing - and get better, quickly. I'm looking forward to working back up to my cardio workouts, I know I have to start all over there. But I didn't get this because I have cancer - I got this cuz I got this. Lots of people get pneumonia - I just have never experienced it before and had no idea what I was in for. Now I know, and now I know how to help others who get this thing. It sucks, worse than any other type of cold or flu - this was my comparison the worst. I will be getting my flu and pneumonia shot at my next dr appt. I don't like the 'looks' I get from people who just don't know about the whole cancer thing who hear I have pneumonia and they have that look like 'oh, she has cancer then she got pneumonia, that is bad!' I really feel like I got sick like anyone else would get sick - it happens and it sucks. End of story. Do we have to watch me a little closer than most, yes. But that's cool. I've got some interesting meds going through me - so yes, I require a specific eye. But I ultimately orchestrate this - and I knew when I wasn't getting better in a way that just logically made sense, to go to the dr. Now that I'm coordinating a local doc with my onc at CTCA - I need to purchase a new patience hat and realize there is a learning curve here - which, I am usually not very good at to be honest. But, this has taught me to be a little more - well - patient. We could all use more of that, right? I guess in the end, people on the outside may see this as 'what else is she supposed to handle Lord!!' but I see it as 'this is life and I'll handle this just fine - because you gave me the tools, the friends, the family, the faith to handle it'. Would I rather be doing other things? Hell ya! However, resting - and I mean truly resting - is what this illness called for from me - and I didn't fight it - I was, blessedly, able to rest. Ironic eh? Maybe we all need an ailment that causes us to literally stop in our tracks - catch our breath - rethink - and start walking again - at a completely different pace. God Bless -

Enlightenment from a Laxative

'The Art Of Happiness Is To Serve All'. This is the clever little quip at the end of my 'Get Regular' natural laxative teabag. Hmmmm. Ironic? Not sure. Found it curious. True - but curious. So there it came and went, the 2 year anniversary of my cancer diagnosis and I am on my way to the dr office because it hurts for me to take in a deep breath and I've had a fever for the past 3 days. I'm getting a little tired of the irony surrounding this April Fools Day - and this used to be a day I kind of enjoyed - not so much anymore. Diagnosis? Pneumonia. No congestion at all, just some pain when I take in a breath and this fever. My doc is baffled. Puts me on these mega antibiotics called Levaquin which are just that - mega strong. Within a day the fever is gone - great! And to be honest, although the Levaquin makes me feel a little strange, it is making me feel better. So I am full of hope. My CBC was normal, white blood cell counts normal - again, nothing looks the way it is supposed to look when someone has pneumonia. Of course not, it's me. I convince myself that I got it from showering at the YMCA (my first and last experience doing that) and remind myself that lots of people get this, not just me. I try to stop kicking myself for being the only one in my family that did not get a flu or pneumonia shot - and swear I will do this as soon as the doc says it's ok. Then last night came along. I was feeling fine - great actually - and got into bed. Tossed and turned all night, being awakened by stabbing random pains in my side. I get up and move myself into the recliner - at least I can sit up. Then at 6am I wake myself up by hearing a fried egg cracking sound as I breathe in - I've been breathing for who knows how long with my mouth open, and this sound just gives me a visual that turns my stomach and to be honest, makes me panic. I mean it sounded like my lungs were cooking. Totally creepy and frightening. Again, no congestion, no coughing, ever. I get up and take a breath in and the pain forms a horseshoe from the front of my shoulder around my underarm to the back of my shoulder. I need to go to the hospital. I go to the hospital - by myself because PJ needs to watch the girls - and check in. They do all their prep work and elect to get me a CT scan - plus blood work - again. CBC is again normal, emergency doc is baffled, he says he wants to check for a possible blood clot in my lung, thus the CT scan. Cool. They give me some liquid form of ibuprofen and a pain med which was AWESOME and get me in for the scan. Scan did not reveal any clot - thank you Jesus. However, and my memory of this conversation is a little fuzzy because of the pain meds, the emergency doc said that we continue on the heavy antibiotics, make sure I combine it with advil and pain meds because he wants me to be able to breathe deeply so I can eventually get this crap up and out of my lungs, that it is in both lungs, and that the radiologist speculated on his report that within the infected portion of my lungs it possibly showed some nodules reflective of metastatic disease. Huh? He says they can't be sure of this until the pneumonia is cleared up, and the chance of this is like, 5% but he recommends to do another CT scan once we get this kicked. Ironically my next CT scan is booked for May 6th out at CTCA. Now, WTF? So here I've been convincing myself that getting pneumonia is normal - but this - this information - where do I put this? Ya know, I didn't even tell this to PJ or anyone because I can't really recall the conversation with the doctor - I was out of it but kinda in the 'coming out of it' stage. So I think this is what I heard, the general idea is right. Plus, I know when PJ hears this he will be like "Call him back and ask him! Call him back and see exactly what he said!" Ya know what, not real sure if I want to right now. Not sure. And obviously neither is he. I don't really know what to do. I mean, yes, I need to kick this pneumonia, and I will. I just really need to slow everything down and take my meds and rest. That will be hard but totally doable. I can do this. I will have to try to put this information on the back burner till then - but how the hell do I put THIS on the back burner? I'll admit it, part of me doesn't really want to know. At all. But then the logical part of me says to me 'Dina, not knowing would be worse than knowing - your imagination is far too frickin wild to let it just run with this thing'. True. Maybe I'll call CTCA tomorrow and let them know what they said, and let them decide what to do. My last CT was in Jan and that didn't show anything. It's not like it grows like wildfire. And this ER - though very nice - has misdiagnosed me and my family before - this was where the 'febrile seizure' diag began with Ginger and was debunked. They actually diag her with pneumonia too which the pediatrician looked at and said 'huh?' - so who knows. But there it sits - right there in the back of my brain - to fester and fuck with me. Oy. I was reminded while taking a very hot shower today of the article I read in the Cancer Fighters magazine (which is amazing) the last time I went to CTCA - I spoke about it in my last post but didn't really get the meaningful point across. This man with Lymphoma said something like 'today - I can control what I do and experience today. Tomorrow, next week, next year - who knows? I have no control over that - but right now - I got this.' or something to that effect. I can digest that way easier than 'soak in every moment'. Sometimes I feel like I have to sit there and look like I'm pooping while I try to 'soak' in the moment. It shouldn't be forced like that - but feeling a sense of control of my choices, my actions, my thoughts, my prayers. Being intentional. I can do that. So that's what I'm working towards. I don't know what this scan really showed, and this doc didn't pic up the phone and call my onc or anything - and he discharged me too. So, although it sounds bad, it can't be that bad. To me. I am going to decide that it's not. How bout that. Madeline asked me last night while sitting on my lap if, once I feel better, if I could invite her great grandma's over to our house for a visit. And we sat and talked about each of them, I then had to explain to her that they had all died. She looked so sad. Then I said to her - but you'll get to meet them in heaven! We'll all be in Heaven together one day! She said "I wonder what it looks like there mom?" Then she looked at me with these huge excited eyes - she said "and Jesus is going to be there! I'll get to meet Him! It's going to be so great!" and I said "Yes He Is!! It will be!!!" This is what I believe. Will it be what she believes as she grows older and makes her own decisions? I hope so - but for now, it is really cool to watch this through her eyes. She gives me a whole different perspective. So here I move forward on my week, medically battling this nasty bug - and trying to keep my mind from wandering too far. Ya know - whatever it is, it is. I'll handle it and fight and take it. I'm ready. After I get a frickin flu and pneumonia shot - idiot. God Bless -

Areola Mug Shot Book

Well the above indeed does not exist - as much as I wanted it to. You should have seen the face of the woman who does the tattooing for Dr. Mo's breast cancer patients when I asked her if she had one for me to flip through - looking for stars, cowboy hats, something original. Had to tell her that yes, I was kidding. Oy. But they are looking great - had my second tattooing done on Tues and all is going well. May need to do one more as the ink tends to not take as well on scar tissue (who knew?) so we will see. It's really up to me - so we'll see how these heal up and what the final look turns out to be. I've lost - drum roll please - 13 pounds so far and am feeling really really great. Wish I could exercise more, but trying to balance that with time at home and with my kids - and like most moms of little ones, just trying to balance everything. I just wish there were a couple more hours in the day. My sister came to visit my mom and then spent a couple days up here with me and it was really nice. Much like my two little girls, my sister and I are polar opposites of each other, and I hadn't seen her since Ginger was born - so this visit was almost like experiencing something that was familiar but as a totally different person. Not that it is about me, but her coming here and being at my moms place with her gave me an internal sigh of relief - like I didn't have to carry around that worry for my mom for a couple days - which made me realize that I was actually doing this. I didn't realize how much worry I was carrying around with me. I'm not sure what happened during my spring break - maybe it was experiencing the difference between my sister and myself on this new level, but I have obtained such a huge sense of peace for my mom, and have been able to let go of my need to feel responsible for what she is going through. I don't know if I can explain this correctly - but I am the kind of person who literally feels what others feel the moment they walk into a room. This as I've mentioned before, is something I really like about myself. However, what I have realized is 'feeling' sometimes turns into 'owning' and that, is not healthy. Now, my sister on the other end, is not like this at all. She is completely separate from others, doesn't engage at all - whether this is a conscious choice, a defense mechanism, just the way she is wired - not sure. In any case, I realized that I need to find a happy medium, at least where my mom is concerned. Or at least, I can 'feel' to empathize and feel compassion for, however, these 'feelings' are not mine to own and manage. The one who owns them are responsible for owning and managing them. What a concept, eh? It makes sense I would fall into this trap, I mean, when you feel like shit, you want to fix it, right? In any case, this was a huge realization for me - and I feel like I have opened yet another door to a greater understanding of who God created me to be - never ending adventure. Ginger has been handling her meds ok - I need to get her up to 2ml in the am and 2ml in the evening - so far I'm at 1 and 2 - so we're almost there. I am taking her in to see her neurologist on Mon afternoon - I want him to see her again and talk to him face to face about this. The second opinion I'm getting is scheduled for May. I thought I was hovering before, but wow, am I hovering now. I looked at PJ earlier this week and said 'am I one of those people? those people who just seem to invite bad shit into their lives?' I know you know who I'm talking about - the people who unfortunately just need drama to have something to talk about, to bitch about and it just seems to always get worse and worse and worse - am I one of those people? I really thought I was a positive, glass is half full kind of person. But then I look at the pile being put on my life plate and I feel the need to review what the hell I'm doing - ya know? My loving husband gave me the roll of the eyes and the annoyed tone while he answered 'no dina, you're not one of those people'. Which I appreciate - but still. Had my appt at CTCA yesterday and all went well. I'm handling the current meds just fine, and he gave me a 4 week leash then we'll do another scan. So that CT scan will happen on 4.29 and we'll see how the current meds are working. I read an article about how cancer makes you feel like you have lost control - and a way to get that feeling back is to realize that while we can't always control the information coming at us, we can control the way we react to it. I'm sure this has been said to me before, but I heard it differently this time. I mean, the emotional roller coaster of this disease for me is crazy, to think I can regain some of my control back is attractive to me. It will take some focus and intentionality from me - but wouldn't it from everyone? I mean, not only about cancer - but just life in general? I think this is another reason why God gave us free will - shitty things are going to happen, they have to, but we get to decide if we're going to bitch and moan, or look at it and say - what am I suppose to see here? What am I suppose to learn? Sucks sometimes, and I think we need that time to say so, but then we must take the next step. Well, I must. OH - and in the same article, a cancer survivor was talking about how she didn't want cancer to define her. Now, I've talked about this before, but something she said made it a little more tangible to me - she said that when people asked her about herself, cancer was like, 4th on the list. So I thought about this for myself - and thought about what I would say if someone came up to me and said 'tell me about yourself'. Cancer wasn't even in my answer. As much as this is teaching me, I'm not letting it define me to others. Pretty cool. God Bless -