Sometimes, you just gotta cry like a girl.

Had a weekend all to ourselves this weekend. My choice actually. PJ and I switched desks, which gave him lots of manly 'moving' time - which he desperately needed and deserved. Sometimes I think though, when I stay home and don't go out and do anything at all, it does me a disservice. I think it can work to my disadvantage. In other words, I get to thinking too much, which for me, can be dangerous.

Before I get into that, let me also say that Ginger had another seizure Sat night. It happened when we were trying to wrangle them into bed in the evening, as the girls share a room and have taken to 'playing' when it is bedtime. Cute, I suppose, but it gets old real quick. So PJ went into their room around 8:25pm and told Ginger to get back into bed, she scurried along to do so, hopped up in bed, looked at him in the face, then looked slightly above his head, zoned out, and fell back into a seizure. I heard him call me through the monitor, I ran in, grabbed her up into my arms with her head on my shoulder, and began rubbing her back, telling her to breathe and that mommy was right here, watching the clock. I could feel her little body seizing, but only for a minute or so, then she started to come back to me. I could literally feel this happen in my arms. I eventually, after about 15-20 minutes, got her to respond to me - she picked at my cross I wear around my neck, I got her to say 'please' for some milk - so I knew she was back. From where - don't know. I don't know how these are triggered. Everything keeps telling me it's due to a spike in fever - but she was fine, and when she woke up this morning (from my side in my bed of course) she was fine. You never would have known this happened. What is happening???? If she was sick, then I guess it would make more sense, but she isn't! The seizure fits the profile I suppose, (a febrile seizure) but the cause doesn't so we find ourselves very frustrated, and scared quite frankly. I must say God's divine hand has been with us whenever this has happened (this is seizure #4 mind you) that we are always with her, we always are present, and she always comes out of it fine. Thank you Jesus. I mean, considering what we have had going on during her short little life, and how many people have come to watch her - the fact that this happens when we are here and with her is a blessing. Truly. I laid there in bed with her last night, watching her belly go up and down with each breath, and asked God to please take care of her. Please. It is so helpless to hold this little person and know you just have to wait it out - and pray that the seizure isn't too long. We are at a loss. So frustrating.

I haven't been feeling well however, since my calcium infusion this past Wed. Coincidence? Not sure. But I feel like I've had chronic heartburn. I did feel sick right when they started my infusion, and I'm not really sure why. Feeling nauseous here and there. Again, not sure why. I'm not on my cycle of chemo pills either, so this really doesn't make sense. Of course, when I don't feel well, I pic everything apart and convince myself this is cancer and it's killing me. It is so hard NOT to do this - because, well, I'm kinda living it everyday here. Especially while I take this medication that we all are praying does what it needs to do. It's almost like whenever I get myself on a real high, positive note - something happens to try to tear me down. Why is that do you suppose? I mean, if you read my posts from last week it sounds like a completely different person, right? Yet this afternoon I find myself needing some quiet time where I literally sat on my bed, prayed and cried for about a half hour. It was extremely cleansing, and I realized I hadn't allowed myself that time all week, but also very frustrating to be in such a dark place again. I prayed, I did some of my Avatar exercises - and it helped. But I still don't feel real great tonight, and just want to sleep. And I've been just thinking about Ginger too all day. Madeline asked me 'is Ginger done with her seizure mom? what is a seizure?' Ever tried explaining what a seizure is to a 4 year old? Trust me, not fun.

Fighting the insurance company too with my pills. Seems they don't make a generic of it (of course not) and low and behold, I have a cap on name brand prescriptions. Didn't know that. I mean, I'm sure I looked at that when I signed up for this coverage, which isn't bad coverage really for an individual plan, but I'm sure I looked at that and thought 'well, if I get a prescription for a drug and they don't have a generic, then I won't take it!' I never in a million years would have thought I needed to have a pill form of chemotherapy. So, my insurance company said they could offer me coverage in another one of their plans that doesn't have this cap, but that would mean reunderwriting me. Excuse me? What am I an idiot? I HAVE CANCER? Gee, think my premium will go UP if they decide to 'reunderwrite' me? My application looks a bit different now than it did back when I signed up for this plan in 2008. Arg. So now we go back to the drug manufacturer and see if we can get them to give me financial aid. They want my tax returns and everything, seriously. Please pray for this - my cap is coming up here soon. Hmmmm, wonder why I'm not feeling well lately, eh? DUH!

So, sorry to be such a downer this evening. I think I'm going to fix myself a cup of tea and go to bed. Sometimes sleep is all I really need, and I didn't get much of that at all this week. I had to go to Jeremiah 29:11 tonight - that verse always calms me and gives me such peace - so I will share it here.

"For I know the plans I have for you" says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."
God Bless -