Do what the Good Book, do what the Good Book, do what the Good Book tells you to!

The Mighty Wind is one of my most favorite movies of all time.

So I felt like crap on Sunday as I mentioned before, Monday was not much better, then come Tues, around 11am or so, it's like someone switched on the 'ENERGY' light. I felt pretty good, was able to get outside with my girls, cleaned out the minivan and started to investigate what the wretched smell was that has been making all of us gag inside for the past couple days, ran some errands, had a really lovely day. I probably pushed it a little, but I was just to happy to have energy.

Just prior to this burst of energy, ironically enough, was my new weekly prayer time. I am blessed enough to have weekly prayer time now with two of my bestest friends on this planet. We do it via conference call, which isn't traditional I realize, but I figure we are still 'gathering in His name' just not all in the same room. We spoke about my previous post, and some of the things I spoke about in that post - specifically my need to be 'realistic' and me trusting Jesus knows what is 'appropriate' for me. First, let me say, that I am privileged to know these women, much less get to pray with them each week. And I am equally as privileged to know them because they aren't afraid to call me on my misinterpretations of the Word - and I must admit, I got it wrong on my last post. Not wrong on how I felt, how could that be wrong, but I was wrong on where I thought Jesus was in all of this. To think that I didn't know what He wanted for me - was wrong. I do know, and I think, in my current state of fatigue, fear, irritation, frustration, anger, you name it - I got the better of myself. There's a reason I want Jeremiah 29:11 tattooed on my forearm, and I was reminded of John 10:10 as well - a verse I hadn't even been reading deeply enough. He wants me to have a long life - He wants me to have 'rich and satisfying life'. That is Gods Will - 'on earth as it is in heaven'. That's what I need to trust.

It's funny, I have these visions of the way I look and feel and carry myself when I trust 100% all the time, I just gotta work on getting there. I can see it - I just need to get there. I'll admit - I'm tired of this. 3 years I've been doing this - I've only had a break from any sort of chemo way back in 2009 for 3 months, ever since then I've been on some form of treatment. And now, to be back to the infusion cycles and the hair loss, and the constipation and the mouth sores and the nausea and the fatigue and the ass taste in my mouth 24/7 - it has taken its toll I suppose - and my attitude is a little but harder to snap right back on these days. I do - I get there - no worries - it is just a different path this time is all. I have a different route to get there this time. Thank God I have friends that remind me of where I need to be, and what God ultimately wants for me, what He promises me - each of us, all of us.

Both of my children have been trading off little ailments the past couple of weeks and I swear to you it's to remind me of where I am needed and what my focus is supposed to be. I'm a mother - a mother of 2 beautiful children who need me. Who only want to be consoled by their mommy, which is both irritating and flattering all at the same time. I look at them and realize they are why I must push through this rough spot I'm in and be the woman God has created me to be on this earth. It's work, but I will not be afraid and I will be that person I see in my mind who walks around with such trust, no one can touch her. I strive to be that woman. Now, as I know you all are wondering and if you don't follow me on FB you don't know that the stink in my minivan was meat. Yes, meat that I had inadvertently left in a defrosted cold pak in the back of my van. I cannot begin to describe how revolting this was, and I owe poor Brittany an apology because I insinuated to her the other day that she really needed to excuse herself and chew her food better next time. I'm such an ass sometimes.

Something else I've been avoiding are all my incoming medical bills. They have been stacking up and stacking up for sometime and it is time for me to face the music and get a handle on these. The more I am in denial about them, the more they control me - something else my fabulous friend imparted to me. How can anyone on a fixed income even afford to get sick?? Seriously???? And I'm still fighting with frickin insurance companies, it just never ends. So since this is my week off from treatment, that is on my agenda this weekend. Jealous right? I know. Scary thing is, I am on an individual policy which has a wicked high annual deductible, then I literally went uninsured for a spell when I was trying to deny medicare - I just need to breathe deep, go through them one my one, and know I will do what we can do. With God, all things are possible? (there's not supposed to be a question mark there, I just don't think He had medical bills in mind when it was written is all).

Well, off to bed with me - I'm not supposed to be us this late, but the quiet house, which is so rare for me to enjoy while awake, it sometimes is just too inviting. Have a great day tomorrow everyone, Happy Spring Break - we are off to play date #2 of 4 for the week.

God Bless -

Dina