Thank you Sir may I have another????

Well, finally - cleared for my second treatment of Halivan tomorrow. My white blood cell count was finally in a decent range when I went in on Monday for them to OK me for treatment tomorrow. So I get to finish up this cycle. Thank GOD!

My little whisker hairs left graciously on my head by the lovely lady at The Wig Wam who shaved me last weekend are coming out now. I think I was secretly wishing maybe I could keep some resemblance of a hair line. No. And my eye lashes are falling out. What gives here????? I'm the only one at CTCA on this drug who has reacted this way - of course I am!!!!! I guess I don't care if it's doing what it's supposed to be doing - but I'm not going to even know that until I finish 3 cycles - and that just seems like a lifetime away. But, we'll get there. I know, one day at a time - yadda yadda yadda. Part of me just really wants to believe that I'll do 3 rounds then I'll be done. I don't know if I I want to be one of those people who spends the rest of their life on chemo. Definitely not THIS chemo - what else can start falling off of a girl? Seriously! I can't believe my reaction to just one treatment - I'm still baffled by this. I have to let it go - I have to accept that I don't know what is going to happen, and I have to trust Him that He will see me through this. Jeremiah 29:11.

It seems like when it rains, it pours at my house. Maybe I'm not seeing it correctly - but this is how I see it this week. So here I am, with little to no white blood cells, and Ginger gets sick on Tues then has a major seizure Tues night. She starts to aspirate on her vomit, so there I lie, sideways on the carpet along side her, our noses almost touching as I talk her through this seizure, trying to get her to open her mouth and let the vomit out that is coming out of her mouth. As many of these as she has had, I cannot get used to them. I know what to do now, so auto pilot kicks in, but they still just suck, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I decided to find the good in this - and found that I will look at this as a reminder of what my purpose is here on this earth - to take care of my children. As soon as she went into this seizure, it was like anything and everything I was feeling was placed on the back burner and I kicked right into 'mom mode'. Don't you think there is something to that? What is it about our mind that can make us kick into overdrive and negate everything we are actually feeling when adrenaline kicks in? So interesting.

I've done ok this week I guess with the 'looks'. I know sometimes people just don't know what to say, but, I hope I don't turn into one of those bitter cancer patients here - the ones all barking at people in the parking lot at Walmart, acting all sorts of crazy yelling 'what are you looking at?' or 'take a picture it'll last longer!' I guess the second time around is a little easier to handle emotionally for me, sucks, but at least I've been here before and know what this feels like, I just need to stay as positive as I was before, despite what I know this looks like to others. So hard to not be defensive, to be bitter, which really means, to be afraid. I am afraid, every day. And I just pray it away - I give it all to Him everyday - practice, practice, practice.

I'm not as envious as I was before - I had a huge problem with that earlier. I'm in a pretty good spot with that now. However, I do find myself envious of peoples health - and I think I need to work on envisioning myself in a healthy place rather than sick place. I'm listening to this amazing meditation/visualization cd that is really helping, gotta focus in on that more.

Well, I haven't had much sleep this week with Ginger being sick and all - makes it for numerous interruptions throughout the night, which, comes with the territory of being a mom - but being a mom while fighting cancer, makes the no sleep thing just a bit more intrusive. Sucks. OH - another weird side effect it this itching - the bottoms of my feet and the palms of my hands itch - and I am either itching or lotioning all the time. Annoying.

I best get some sleep - gotta get rest up for the big 'chemo' day tomorrow. Thought I'd go ahead and share a pic of me with my patchy balding head. Now, I had just taken my makeup off for the evening, so cut me a little slack here, k? And my pups - it's sounds silly, but our dogs are just the best. Our dogs are such a fun part of our family - so cuddly and loving. We love them so much.

Maybe my nickname should be 'patches' now considering my hobo hair here. Well, it'll be gone within a week or so, no need to bitch for too long. Then I can have both girls color on my head with magic markers. Only Madeline was old enough to do it last time, we'll let Ginger take a go at it this time. Washable of course.

God Bless -

Dina