Wish you were hair............................

Well, my hair started to really come out on Thurs night. I should have known because my scalp had actually been bothering me all week. The feeling you get when you've had a ponytail in all day, or when you wear a hat all day? That's how it was feeling, and I didn't have a ponytail or a hat on - so I was totally in denial and suspicious. In any case, when I took a shower Thurs night it was very apparent that my hair was coming out - as I had handfuls of it when I washed my hair. Sigh. Here we go again.

Then, Sat morning, I went to take a shower and it was like someone had shaved my head in my sleep - tons of hair falling out - like clog the drain in the shower amounts. Great. I kinda had decided prior to this that I would just let it thin out and maybe wear hats for awhile, till it got too much to bear. Last time PJ shaved me right when it started falling out - and I mean shaved to the scalp - I kinda didn't want to jump right into that this time. So I get out of the shower, and as I start combing my hair - I realize I have huge, matted clumps stuck in my hair - my hair was coming out so badly, it actually was getting stuck in the hair that was still attached. I call PJ in to help me, and I'm trying desperately to comb it out - and it's just falling, in this huge pile of hair on the bathroom floor and I just cried. He held me, and after about 15 minutes, I had combed so much out I had this huge bald spot on the side of my head. My Ginger asked me what was happening, and I told her that the medicine that mommy was taking to kill her cancer also, apparently, makes her hair fall out. I tried to not break down in front of her, but I was crying. She left, got tissues, brought them to me, then told me 'its ok mommy'. I just wasn't mentally prepared to be here quite yet - I didn't think this was where I would be after 1 treatment - 1!!! I told PJ that I wanted to call Mary Jo at the Wig Wam, which is this little local wig shop and hair salon as she had helped me in the past, and ask her to shave my head. I wasn't about to walk around with this horrific bald spot on my head - and God forbid a strong wind catch me, I swear it all would have gone flying - I'm serious, I couldn't believe how much was coming out.

I decided we were all going to go - make this a family affair. So, we all piled in the van, and headed to the Wig Wam for mom's head shaving party. To be honest, if actually felt really good once she was done, because my scalp was aching so much - it was a nice relief. Just so hate the way it looks. But more than that - the worst part about this losing my hair thing? Now, I look like I'm sick to everyone else. I really, really liked being the 'no one would ever know what you're going through' Dina. Now, I'm the frickin 'cancer patient' looking Dina - AGAIN - and I hate that part. I hate the looks, the awkward silences, the constant reminder to me even, that this is where I am - AGAIN. And, unlike the first time I lost my hair - now I get to deal with even MORE of the pitiful looks from those that knew this happened before - because people are probably thinking 'well, she's really going downhill now, I mean this is the 2nd time she's done this, how many more can someone take?' So frustrating. So revealing. Like someone forced you to take the most vulnerable part of you and plaster it on a t-shirt for you to walk around wearing for all to see.

Ironically, I feel great. I have energy, I'm sleeping well, my pain level is little to nothing, and I have no hair. ?

My girls are handling it pretty well - Madeline gets this way more now at 6 than she did at 3 - so she and I have some pretty heavy out of the blue discussions, and Ginger told me she didn't want to cut off her hair. I told her she didn't have to and she seemed relieved. I just have stubble so I can still have a hair line for as long as it lasts, so Ginger likes to rub it and tell me it feels like daddy's whiskers. PJ was having a tough time yesterday - he was processing it all too. I mean, he gets it the same way I do - he gets the looks too, as the spouse of the cancer patient, and it just sucks. But once again, as if he and I couldn't get any closer - we have. I didn't realize it, but I was afraid to lean on my husband for a greater part of me dealing with this disease. I knew he was 'dealing' with it in his own way and didn't want to worry him with anything more, including my thoughts, fears, feelings - and that was wrong. The past couple of months we have really tackled this head on, and it's taken our marriage to a new level. That, plus our faith really growing together which is an entirely different level too - is pretty frickin awesome. I am so blessed to have found this man. Well, it's totally God, thank you God for PJ. He takes such good care of me - what a privilege to be his wife. And yes, he shaved his head once we got home. Even Brittany offered to shave her head, bless her little heart. I told her thank you but no, she didn't have to do that. So sweet.

So I go get my blood drawn again tomorrow morning and we'll see where we are. If I can just finish this cycle, then I can get my Nulasta shot and we're on our way! Have to finish the cycle in order for me to get one of these, so that is key.

I have the Jesus Calling app on my phone, and I absolutely love it. It is freaky the way it applies to me - and maybe it does this for everyone, but sometimes, it's just amazingly appropriate. Check this out:

" Make friends with the problems in your life. Though many things feel random and wrong, remember that I am sovereign over everything. I can fit everything into a pattern for good, but only to the extent that you trust Me. Every problem can teach you something, transforming you little by little into the masterpiece I created you to be. The very same problem can become a stumbling block over which you fall, if you react with distrust and defiance. The choice is up to you, and you will have to choose many times each day whether to trust Me or defy Me.

The best way to befriend your problems is to thank Me for them. This simple act opens your mind to the possibility of benefits flowing from your difficulties. You can even give persistent problems nicknames, helping you to approach them with familiarity rather than with dread. The next step is to introduce them to Me, enabling Me to embrace them in My loving presence. I will not necessarily remove your problems, but My wisdom is sufficient to bring good out of every one of them. "

I think I'll call my cancer Gladys. God, meet Gladys. Thank you for Gladys, for she has made me a better person, a better mother, a better wife, a better child of God. She has brought out pieces of me I didn't even know existed. She has shown me life in a way that is difficult to explain. She also brought me closer to you and your son, which has changed my life entirely. Now, if you wouldn't mind, I'd really appreciate it if I could drop Gladys off at your house, and you could ask her in for dinner, then, when she goes to the restroom to freshen up, you would poison her with the chemo I'm currently receiving, so we would never have to deal with her again. That would be great - thanks.

God Bless -