Less Hair - More Sparkle.

So my hair is looking so - weird.  I still haven't done the close shave thing, I really want to hang onto my hairline as long as I possibly can.  It's all bald patchy on top, and bald where my sunglasses rub above my ears - then not bald patchy at all in the back.  Instead of 'party in the front, business in the back' I guess you could say I'm 'Patchy in the front; Scratchy in the back'.  Hmmm.  And I've started getting real creative with my head gear - I wrap a very sparkly scarf around my head then tie it in the back, then sport a baseball type cap.  I am now officially addicted to sparkle - of any kind - anywhere.   I want sparkly shirts, sparkly shoes, sparkly makeup - you name it, I want it.  I think I am suddenly drawn to pretty things to feel pretty everywhere else.  When I went through this the first time, I think I was so preoccupied with so many other things, and overwhelmed by all that was going on, I didn't have the ability to figure out how to try to make up for what I had lost in some other way.  Does that make sense?  It was all so new, so devastating, so difficult.  It is still difficult, but I think I am familiar enough with this 'phase' of it to be able to mentally find ways to fill that feminine part of me that is tied to hair.  I know that sounds silly, but I am one of those women that just really loves having hair.  Now that it's gone, I am tapping into other things that make me feel feminine, pretty, girly.  Interesting.

So I have been given some really powerful insight on how to look at people who approach me with the 'how are you feeling' comment.  I have been perceiving these inquiries as a sign of my weakness - my sickness - my vulnerability.  I react with such defensiveness and anger.  More so on the inside, I don't think I'm outwardly rude to anyone, short maybe, but not rude.  Inside though I'm filled with such a high level of frustration.  Why do I have to feel like I'm supposed to be so strong in front of people?  Why do I see people's compassion and concern for me, in whatever way they are able to express it, why do I see this as a sign of weakness on my part?  We aren't meant to be 'stoic' through our trials - we are meant to be stoic in our faith, but not necessarily in our outward appearance to others.  When people approach me with concern and compassion, aren't they being exactly as He wants us to be towards one another?  Isn't this what I should be seeing instead of someone threatening my strength?  Like me pretending like nothing is wrong and I'm the same person I was 4 years ago is doing anyone any good - part of it is me needing to embrace fully where I am - which sucks sometimes - and the other part is seeing Jesus in the face of those who are showing me compassion.  People aren't always going to say the right thing, act the right way, do the right thing - we're human, we aren't  known for our appropriateness - but we're trying, aren't we?  This was a HUGE wake up call for me - and I have started to change my heart on this issue.  Let the guard down Dina, let it down.

Something else that I have been toying with in my spare time is the possibility that perhaps I have been trusted with this suffering, for a purpose, for a reason.  What that is I'm not sure, but I'm starting to really think about this. I in no way believe that God gave this to me - I never have felt that.  It was never something I had to convince myself of or had gone back and forth on the issue, it just literally was never something that I have ever felt.  How that all relates to this possible theory, I have no idea.  Interesting perspective. 
1 Timothy 1:12; 1 Peter 4:12.

I have treatment tomorrow.  I guess I'm ready for it.  I'm a little concerned to do treatment 2 weeks in a row, because of my WBC and also because I just will feel like shit a lot longer than I do when I have it every other week.  I'm just feeling better now, and now I get to go get hit again.  Trying to keep it all in perspective and keep an open mind.  I will get to forgo the steroid tomorrow which is exciting, if I can be excited for something so ridiculous as that, right? 

My girls are doing just great - I've just been soaking them in this week, more than usual I think.  They are just growing and giggling and being silly so much more lately than usual.  I'm so blessed that they are, because they are a reminder to me that they see me as mom, just mom - not Dina who has cancer, not Dina who has no hair, not Dina who gets tired and sick.  Just mom.  Such a lesson they teach me - everyday.  That it's really about this moment, this very moment, right here, right now.  I'm so blessed to be constantly reminded to live in the moment.  What a cool way to spend each day.

Oy - is it really  11:30?  Nighty night.  I'll be in touch on how treatment goes tomorrow.  Wish me luck once they hook me up!

God Bless -

Dina