I'm not sick - I'm getting better.

Doesn't that have a much better ring to it? That came to me this morning in the shower, as I scrubbed my buzzard head with the cooling effects of Head and Shoulders - love that stuff. I don't like saying that I'm sick, I'm going to start saying that I'm getting better. Done.

So treatment on Friday went great, my white blood cell count was up even higher then when they had taken in on Monday, so that was good. I was in perfect range. I have to admit though, I was all geared up and ready to do this, until I got up there into infusion in that chair, and then I just got nervous. Mostly because everything everyone told me about this drug has gone completely opposite of what people have said. I know that everyone is different and responds differently, it's scary to try to prepare to expect the unexpected, I guess. But I prayed through it, and they must have some kicked up Benedryl because I am sooooo sleepy when they finally give me my treatment. And the fact that it's just a 2-3 min push, they are like "ok, you're done!" and I feel like I could just lay there and snooze for a couple hours. Thus the not able to drive yourself home thingy - got it. We did 1/2 the steroid this time, and I handled it fine, so we will get to forgo that piece next time - YAY!!!! So glad. One less drug in my system. Yuk. Then back down we went for my Nulasta shot on Sat morning, and that went fine. I'm pretty much on the pre-med high for the next 24-36 hours because by the time we get home from church on Sunday, I am so ready to collapse, it's scary. And the bone pain from the Nulasta shot started bright and early Sunday morning as well. So weird - right? Those of you who care, the Nulasta shot makes your body produce more white blood cells, the ones that fight infection, and those come from your bones, mostly your biggest bones in your body - your back, your forehead, your breastbone, your femurs, hips - and the pain feels like, well, it's like pain 'pulses' - quick ones, that take you by surprise, it's quite uncomfortable. They say Claratin is supposed to alleviate this, and oddly enough, I think it does. I take the 24 hour one, and it does help. Did I remember to take one yesterday? Nooooo - dork. Then today I was just weak - just a massive headache and weak - need to remember to keep eating because everything tastes awful - must keep eating. Oy. My mouth sores are not as horrific this time either, which is good. I actually finally tried the infamous 'miracle mouth wash' that the pharmacist will make for you and I have to say I was horrified. It didn't taste bad, but it made the entire inside of my mouth numb, completely numb for like, 30 minutes - no joke. I felt like my mouth was the size of a frickin watermelon - I've decided to call this mouthwash not 'miracle mouth wash' but 'baby fish mouth'. Thank you When Harry Met Sally. I will only use this in case of utter emergency. Yuk.

So church was entertaining. I was so nervous to walk into church because the last time everyone had seen me not only did I have a full head of hair, but I had been giving my testimony at the pulpit in the sanctuary. Now here I come with my little bald head wrapped in some wanna be chic scarf thing. Do you know someone actually came up to me and said 'So I guess the answer is YES then?' and I say 'YES to what?' and they said 'Yes to losing your hair?' Seriously? Well duh - am I not standing in front of you with a frickin scarf on? I need to pray hard for grace here, because I thought I didn't have patience with people the first time I lost my hair, this time is much worse. I will say it again - if you don't know what to say - to me or to anyone in this situation - you have 2 choices - say NOTHING or say THIS SUCKS because it does. That is the most accurate statement anyone can make. Moving on.

I've been really starting to work through the fact that this could really go either way. I've started coming to grips with that and oddly enough, it is quite a peaceful feeling. I feel in my heart of hearts, right now, that I am supposed to fight. However, I know that God knows how this all turns out in the end, and I trust that, whatever that may be. It is a HUGE step for me to be here emotionally, spiritually, and some moments (not days) are easier than others but for the most part, I'm starting to really embrace both possibilities, and trusting that Jesus knows which one is appropriate - and I'm OK with that. Crazy right? PJ and I have started talking in these terms as well, started. I don't want to dwell here, I want to be practical and realistic, then get on with enjoying and loving on one another. As much as we possibly can.

I'm attaching a link to my testimony I gave earlier this month that I mentioned above, if you care to take a listen. Isn't it ironic that the very night after I gave my testimony my hair started falling out in handfuls, and was gone just 2 days later. I feel very passionate about my beliefs, obviously, as there is nothing in this world that has made more perfect sense to me, or been able to comfort me in ways that no one else on this earth has ever been able to do. My relationship with Jesus is one of such monumental friendship, and I hate the fact that this probably sounds 'preachy' to some who read it - I wish it didn't because that is so not who I am, I just feel like I can't adequately express my spirituality into words that can even remotely describe the completeness it has given my life. Perhaps this does, who knows.

http://www.americanlutheran.net/index.php/2012/02/29/personal-story-dina-mountcastle/

God Bless

Dina