Today was busy - and I was seriously wondering if I had the stomach flu today. Luckily, I felt much better by this afternoon, but I was not feelin it at all this morning. The girls were great, although I felt awful sending Ginger to 2 different day care facilities today - the one at the Y then at the church while I attended a meeting. I felt so bad. Needless to say she was very clingy with me today, which I didn't mind at all. She is the type of child that kisses everything. She has the biggest heart already. I'm so loving watching my girls turn into these little people. They are most awesome. I'm so lucky to have been chosen to be their mom.
Went to an open house at one of the elementary schools we're considering for Madeline tonight only to find it had been cancelled. So Madeline and I went and picked out Valentine candy for her class, then picked up some flowers for a friend of mine and went to visit her in the hospital. She just had some surgery that went great, and they actually released her just after we got there. I forget sometimes how awesome it is to just hang with Madeline. She is so fun. Even though she is listening to Kidzbop - ugh.
PJ and I ended up having dinner together this evening just after the kids went to bed, and that rarely happens. We began to reminisce a bit about what we were doing 5 years ago tonight - we were actually stuck in an airport heading to Vegas from NY and had this horrendous layover in Cincinnati. I was 8 weeks pregnant and determined to download a Flavor Flav ringtone. We laughed. Then I shared with him some of the fears I've been having lately - the fear that this stupid cancer will come back and kill me. I feel like I conquered this once before, and yet here it is again. And I know - live in the present and soak in each moment - I know - I've said these things a million times, and meant them - but sometimes, it just sounds like something you say to people who are dying. And I'm not dying - I don't believe that I am - but lately I just feel like there's this big 'YET' sitting in the middle of the room. Does that make sense? Is this normal? Then I think if I keep on having these thoughts they might just come true - our minds are very powerful things - and I don't want to be thinking these things - I really don't. Pray Dina - pray pray pray. It's so hard. My good friend Martha warned me about this - these 'minds catching up with what's happened' moments. I'm not liking this one. I don't know why I haven't written about it here - I've been having these thoughts for weeks now. Maybe I was afraid to. I don't know. My husband was very understanding, and let me talk. He always has the most comforting words to give me, wrapped in logic - which is so soothing, it's hard to explain. He speaks like he's had a peek into the future - like he knows. He is most comforting. I love him so much. We're going to dinner tomorrow night - just the two of us - using a $25 gift card to The Olive Garden my mom gave me (thanks mom!!!). We're pretty excited - to get to start and finish a conversation with no interruptions - don't really care where that occurs. I know I am blessed to have these 5 years with PJ - but I want 40 more. I want to be his wife, and my kids mother - for as long as I possibly can. That's all. I know, pray.
So Happy Valentine's Day for everyone this weekend. Madeline's little party is at school tomorrow and we put her little Valentines together for her classmates this evening. Well, I did actually. She doesn't really get it yet - but I absolutely love this stuff. I'm one of those moms - and I love it.
Considering my couple weeks of random dark thoughts (please don't think I was thinking this stuff 24/7 - just had moments each day where I would dwell for a spell) it is only appropriate that the Lord speaks to me this evening in the following passage:
My Peace is like a shaft of golden Light shining on you continuously. During days of bright sunshine, it may blend in with your surroundings. On darker days, My Peace stands out in sharp contrast to your circumstances. See times of darkness as opportunities for My Light to shine in transcendent splendor. I am training you to practice Peace that overpowers darkness. Collaborate with Me in this training. Do not grow weary and lose heart.
Practice makes perfect - God Bless -
DINA'S BOOB BLOG - An online journal of my breast cancer experience.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Mom! My butt just threw up!
Madeline ran out of the bathroom this afternoon yelling this. Too funny. (no worries, the medication she is on causes some diarrhea - no problem here) This reminded PJ and I both of the first time it snowed when we moved here and she said "it's raining snow!". She is so awesome.
This week has been so strange already - and it's only Wed. We get so used to our little routines, don't we? Mine has just been thrown for a loop this week. Took Ginger to the dr this evening because she was pulling at her ear this morning and I went into a panic. I was afraid an ear infection may bring on a high temp, then another seizure. Luckily, she's fine. Just a cold and there's nothing we can do for that. Madeline is doing better, went to school today and even though her cough is wicked scary, she is actually doing fine. Try convincing everyone else that though. I was one of those parents too - but now that I get it, I'm one of the cool parents that totally gets it now. Thank GOD.
Speaking of God - had a great WOW session today. I feel like I almost got permission to do something HUGE today in first hour. Robyn was speaking about conquering your fears, and was relating it to the David and Goliath story. Today, amongst the many awesome things she shared, she shared something so simple, I almost didn't even notice she said it. She was talking about once you have conquered your fear, to let it go - and move on. I never even knew this was even an option. Obviously my fear was that this cancer would kill me. And I did conquer that, with God's guidance, quite a few times actually. It never occurred to me I could let go of that and just live my life. This will take some practice - but I did feel I was given permission to not lug this thing around with me, this 'cancer guilt pack' I have on my back. I've started taking this pack off and am slowly putting it down on the ground. A process indeed, but what a concept to me. Amazing.
PJ is going to be going back to NY for about 6 days next month. I do wish I could go with him (if only to get some decent FOOD for shits sake!) but I'm so happy he gets to go and see his coworkers face to face - for the first time many of them. It is certainly hard to manage people you've never met before. I think he needs a break too - I mean, my awesome husband. He's been tending to me and playing bread winner and the greater part of mom AND dad for the past 9 months nonstop. He deserves a little 'him' time I think. Then I will be going to a course recommended to me by my oncologist at the end of March for 9 days. She will actually be going with me. I'm wicked excited about this too. It will be good for us to get some time away and stretch those muscles a bit. I am nervous about being away from my girls that long - I've never been away from them that long before, ever. In fact, I haven't gone anywhere since we moved here - almost 3 years ago. Wow. Time to stretch Dina - time to stretch.
PJ and I are celebrating our 5 year wedding anniversary this Friday - and I can't believe it's been 5 years. I can't believe all that has happened in 5 years of our marriage. From 1st child, to moving, to second child, to cancer - it seems like we've been together forever. Not in a bad way, in a way where I really don't remember what life was like before PJ. It's almost like my life began the moment I met him - as corny as that sounds. I am so blessed to have found him. I remember a moment in NY, I was alone in my apartment and had just left a friend of mine in a local pub who was about to make a HUGE mistake with a guy that we knew, and I was crying. I cried in my room for quite awhile. I realized that I had outgrown my NYC lifestyle, and knew it was not the lifestyle for me any longer, but didn't know what was - which in turn, left me very lonely. I was speaking to myself which I have always done a lot of (in retrospect, I was speaking with God) and described the man I knew I wanted to end up with in this life. The man was good looking, what I considered good looking, he was funny (HAD to be funny), was a computer geek but not in a geeky way, was confident in himself and didn't need me to 'build him up' or anything, self driven, appreciated the arts but had nothing to do with them performance wise, and was kind. I knew this was the person I wanted, and I vocalized it - this was in the summer of 2002. I knew that this was the person I wanted, and if I didn't meet him, I was perfectly content to live the rest of my life my myself. I met PJ the fall of 2002. He is exactly, and I mean exactly what I described. In fact, he is so much more than that. He is my true soul mate, and there isn't a day that goes by, literally, that I don't thank God for the gift I have been given. This person who has chosen to walk through life with me. In the most literal sense of the walk as well. I know he didn't know what he was in for when he married me, I mean, I think he THOUGHT he did, but who knew this wild ride, eh? I would not be here without him. God placed him in my path - and thankfully, I had enough sense to recognize it and scooped him up.
So - I looked up what kind of gift you are supposed to give for 5 years - know what it is? Wood. Wha????? The only thing I can think of is some sort of wood handled tool - which he would love I guess, it just doesn't seem very 'anniversary' like. I would have given him a hand cross, but we both already have one of those. I'm at a loss. I'll probably get him something beer related. That's what I always seem to be able to find. Wood. Whatever.
I'm going to try to get up early and get to the gym in the am before a meeting I have at 10. We'll see. It's already 11. Praying the girls will sleep through the night. I've been up every couple of hours for 5 nights in a row thus far - ouch. OH - any suggestions on the 'wood' gifts I will gladly take.
God Bless -
This week has been so strange already - and it's only Wed. We get so used to our little routines, don't we? Mine has just been thrown for a loop this week. Took Ginger to the dr this evening because she was pulling at her ear this morning and I went into a panic. I was afraid an ear infection may bring on a high temp, then another seizure. Luckily, she's fine. Just a cold and there's nothing we can do for that. Madeline is doing better, went to school today and even though her cough is wicked scary, she is actually doing fine. Try convincing everyone else that though. I was one of those parents too - but now that I get it, I'm one of the cool parents that totally gets it now. Thank GOD.
Speaking of God - had a great WOW session today. I feel like I almost got permission to do something HUGE today in first hour. Robyn was speaking about conquering your fears, and was relating it to the David and Goliath story. Today, amongst the many awesome things she shared, she shared something so simple, I almost didn't even notice she said it. She was talking about once you have conquered your fear, to let it go - and move on. I never even knew this was even an option. Obviously my fear was that this cancer would kill me. And I did conquer that, with God's guidance, quite a few times actually. It never occurred to me I could let go of that and just live my life. This will take some practice - but I did feel I was given permission to not lug this thing around with me, this 'cancer guilt pack' I have on my back. I've started taking this pack off and am slowly putting it down on the ground. A process indeed, but what a concept to me. Amazing.
PJ is going to be going back to NY for about 6 days next month. I do wish I could go with him (if only to get some decent FOOD for shits sake!) but I'm so happy he gets to go and see his coworkers face to face - for the first time many of them. It is certainly hard to manage people you've never met before. I think he needs a break too - I mean, my awesome husband. He's been tending to me and playing bread winner and the greater part of mom AND dad for the past 9 months nonstop. He deserves a little 'him' time I think. Then I will be going to a course recommended to me by my oncologist at the end of March for 9 days. She will actually be going with me. I'm wicked excited about this too. It will be good for us to get some time away and stretch those muscles a bit. I am nervous about being away from my girls that long - I've never been away from them that long before, ever. In fact, I haven't gone anywhere since we moved here - almost 3 years ago. Wow. Time to stretch Dina - time to stretch.
PJ and I are celebrating our 5 year wedding anniversary this Friday - and I can't believe it's been 5 years. I can't believe all that has happened in 5 years of our marriage. From 1st child, to moving, to second child, to cancer - it seems like we've been together forever. Not in a bad way, in a way where I really don't remember what life was like before PJ. It's almost like my life began the moment I met him - as corny as that sounds. I am so blessed to have found him. I remember a moment in NY, I was alone in my apartment and had just left a friend of mine in a local pub who was about to make a HUGE mistake with a guy that we knew, and I was crying. I cried in my room for quite awhile. I realized that I had outgrown my NYC lifestyle, and knew it was not the lifestyle for me any longer, but didn't know what was - which in turn, left me very lonely. I was speaking to myself which I have always done a lot of (in retrospect, I was speaking with God) and described the man I knew I wanted to end up with in this life. The man was good looking, what I considered good looking, he was funny (HAD to be funny), was a computer geek but not in a geeky way, was confident in himself and didn't need me to 'build him up' or anything, self driven, appreciated the arts but had nothing to do with them performance wise, and was kind. I knew this was the person I wanted, and I vocalized it - this was in the summer of 2002. I knew that this was the person I wanted, and if I didn't meet him, I was perfectly content to live the rest of my life my myself. I met PJ the fall of 2002. He is exactly, and I mean exactly what I described. In fact, he is so much more than that. He is my true soul mate, and there isn't a day that goes by, literally, that I don't thank God for the gift I have been given. This person who has chosen to walk through life with me. In the most literal sense of the walk as well. I know he didn't know what he was in for when he married me, I mean, I think he THOUGHT he did, but who knew this wild ride, eh? I would not be here without him. God placed him in my path - and thankfully, I had enough sense to recognize it and scooped him up.
So - I looked up what kind of gift you are supposed to give for 5 years - know what it is? Wood. Wha????? The only thing I can think of is some sort of wood handled tool - which he would love I guess, it just doesn't seem very 'anniversary' like. I would have given him a hand cross, but we both already have one of those. I'm at a loss. I'll probably get him something beer related. That's what I always seem to be able to find. Wood. Whatever.
I'm going to try to get up early and get to the gym in the am before a meeting I have at 10. We'll see. It's already 11. Praying the girls will sleep through the night. I've been up every couple of hours for 5 nights in a row thus far - ouch. OH - any suggestions on the 'wood' gifts I will gladly take.
God Bless -
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Pigs in a Blanket
The Mountcastle Home has been overtaken by some sort of illness. Thus me not posting last night. I took Madeline to the dr. yesterday and they put her on an antibiotic, Ginger has started what Madeline had last week, and I had some funky sort of tummy issue that let's just say forced me to take some Imodium. Yuk. Therefore, my gracious and loving husband sent me to bed last night once we got the girls all lubricated up with Vicks and tucked in. Can't remember the last time I got 10 hours of sleep - but I did. Wow. Is this what sleep feels like? Weird.
Will post more tonight baring all goes smoothly today - we are home again for the day and will try to venture out tomorrow. Pray for healing over here.
I think it was Gallagher that said "You know you have kids when you find yourself saying 'Hey! Who put Vicks on the Cheese Its??' "
God Bless -
Will post more tonight baring all goes smoothly today - we are home again for the day and will try to venture out tomorrow. Pray for healing over here.
I think it was Gallagher that said "You know you have kids when you find yourself saying 'Hey! Who put Vicks on the Cheese Its??' "
God Bless -
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Ahhhh the Joys of Parenting......
Sorry I didn't post on Thursday. If you can believe it - I fell asleep. By the end of the evening I've been getting so tired lately. Wonderfully full days - I am blessed.
Good weekend. Had dinner with the Rockin Pastor Mary on Friday and had a fabulous time. Sat was kind of boring actually until we spontaneously decided to drive down to Phx and have dinner w/ my mom and Britt. Something my WOW class has taught me is to start thinking "why not?" in lieu of "why?". It's actually been really great. Until that is, we were just about home and Madeline puked in the car - and not just a little - the kind of puking you only see in movies. Three times in a row. Seriously. She's not sick - well, she is, but with a head cold that has only gotten worse as the weekend progressed. She was coughing so hard and had such congestion that she made herself throw up. Sooooooo grosss - we had just had pizza for dinner. Yuk. But she was very cute about it and I was working real hard to keep her light and up beat. Gladly it happened at night and she couldn't see what she had just done. Once we pulled into our driveway and the lights came on in the car and she saw it - she started freaking out a bit. But for the most part - she was fine. I said the word vomit - and there stands my little Madeline - vomit literally covering her and she asks me " What's vomit mom?" Guess I never used that word around her. We laughed a lot. We all did actually. Then Madeline and I took a shower together. Something we haven't done in an awfully long time. And it was like nothing was different. Awesome. My kids are the most awesome gifts. I just really want Madeline to get better. She doesn't have a fever - just so congested. She coughs and sneezes and blows her nose 24/7. We kept her home Thurs and Fri of last week when she did have a slight fever - now it's gone but the congestion seems to be worse. I'll be calling to get her into the dr tomorrow. I just want someone to look at her - it would make me feel better. Poor thing. Today Ginger had the cough too - so joy - they are passing it to one another.
I feel a bit out of sorts today - missing church this morning. I don't like it when I miss church, just feel out of sync. Did have my dad and Nancy over today for the Super Bowl - which I just realized this evening is the 3rd year in a row we've had them over for the game. Once again, and I feel like a broken record when I say this but I can honestly say it goes through my brain constantly - how blessed I am. I am continually more and more aware of how blessed I am to have the people I have in my life. Another one of those 'being present' moments. Sometimes though, as I was talking to PJ about this weekend - this whole 'live in the moment' kind of phrase seems to me something you say to people who are dying. But, as PJ reminded me, there are people who really do live this way all the time, and they have not been diagnosed with a terminal disease. I want to be one of those people. I'm striving towards that. To that end, I have been having many, many wonderful moments with my kids. To have my strength back and be able to lift and hold Ginger - I can't begin to describe what a gift that is. I missed it so much - and knowing that I will need to once again put it on hold at my next surgery, I am soaking it all up right now. I hold her so close to me, feel her little hands pat my back as she holds onto me - and - all she wants lately is for me to hold her. It is so awesome. Last night, Madeline was having a rough night so I was up with her a couple times, then Ginger woke up so I had her in my arms and I had to wake PJ up to tend to Madeline cuz they were both needing one on one time - so Ginger ended up sleeping with me in our bed, and PJ w/ Madeline in the spare bedroom. I can't remember the last time I'd slept with Ginger. It took me right back to when I was nursing her as a newborn and would pluck her out of her bassinet, nurse her, then tuck her into the crook of my arm and we would fall asleep together. It was the most intimate and bonding experience. The feeling I have had with her lately is very much like this. I have come to realize what a 'physical' person I am - and how I bond with my children, and my husband, in not only an emotional way, but a physical way as well. This weekend, my soul seemed especially 'love filled' for some reason or another. Lucky me.
I'm once again a little sleepy - so I'm going to sign off. Pray for my little Madeline's healing if you wouldn't mind - I just heard her coughing through the monitor - so I'm going to go check on her.
God Bless -
Good weekend. Had dinner with the Rockin Pastor Mary on Friday and had a fabulous time. Sat was kind of boring actually until we spontaneously decided to drive down to Phx and have dinner w/ my mom and Britt. Something my WOW class has taught me is to start thinking "why not?" in lieu of "why?". It's actually been really great. Until that is, we were just about home and Madeline puked in the car - and not just a little - the kind of puking you only see in movies. Three times in a row. Seriously. She's not sick - well, she is, but with a head cold that has only gotten worse as the weekend progressed. She was coughing so hard and had such congestion that she made herself throw up. Sooooooo grosss - we had just had pizza for dinner. Yuk. But she was very cute about it and I was working real hard to keep her light and up beat. Gladly it happened at night and she couldn't see what she had just done. Once we pulled into our driveway and the lights came on in the car and she saw it - she started freaking out a bit. But for the most part - she was fine. I said the word vomit - and there stands my little Madeline - vomit literally covering her and she asks me " What's vomit mom?" Guess I never used that word around her. We laughed a lot. We all did actually. Then Madeline and I took a shower together. Something we haven't done in an awfully long time. And it was like nothing was different. Awesome. My kids are the most awesome gifts. I just really want Madeline to get better. She doesn't have a fever - just so congested. She coughs and sneezes and blows her nose 24/7. We kept her home Thurs and Fri of last week when she did have a slight fever - now it's gone but the congestion seems to be worse. I'll be calling to get her into the dr tomorrow. I just want someone to look at her - it would make me feel better. Poor thing. Today Ginger had the cough too - so joy - they are passing it to one another.
I feel a bit out of sorts today - missing church this morning. I don't like it when I miss church, just feel out of sync. Did have my dad and Nancy over today for the Super Bowl - which I just realized this evening is the 3rd year in a row we've had them over for the game. Once again, and I feel like a broken record when I say this but I can honestly say it goes through my brain constantly - how blessed I am. I am continually more and more aware of how blessed I am to have the people I have in my life. Another one of those 'being present' moments. Sometimes though, as I was talking to PJ about this weekend - this whole 'live in the moment' kind of phrase seems to me something you say to people who are dying. But, as PJ reminded me, there are people who really do live this way all the time, and they have not been diagnosed with a terminal disease. I want to be one of those people. I'm striving towards that. To that end, I have been having many, many wonderful moments with my kids. To have my strength back and be able to lift and hold Ginger - I can't begin to describe what a gift that is. I missed it so much - and knowing that I will need to once again put it on hold at my next surgery, I am soaking it all up right now. I hold her so close to me, feel her little hands pat my back as she holds onto me - and - all she wants lately is for me to hold her. It is so awesome. Last night, Madeline was having a rough night so I was up with her a couple times, then Ginger woke up so I had her in my arms and I had to wake PJ up to tend to Madeline cuz they were both needing one on one time - so Ginger ended up sleeping with me in our bed, and PJ w/ Madeline in the spare bedroom. I can't remember the last time I'd slept with Ginger. It took me right back to when I was nursing her as a newborn and would pluck her out of her bassinet, nurse her, then tuck her into the crook of my arm and we would fall asleep together. It was the most intimate and bonding experience. The feeling I have had with her lately is very much like this. I have come to realize what a 'physical' person I am - and how I bond with my children, and my husband, in not only an emotional way, but a physical way as well. This weekend, my soul seemed especially 'love filled' for some reason or another. Lucky me.
I'm once again a little sleepy - so I'm going to sign off. Pray for my little Madeline's healing if you wouldn't mind - I just heard her coughing through the monitor - so I'm going to go check on her.
God Bless -
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Mom - I Don't Want to Go To College
This is what Madeline said to me last night when she woke up in the middle of the night. Not kidding. I said, "ok sweetie, but we don't really have to decide this right now". I then asked her who told her about college, and she said her teacher. She asked me to please tell her teacher that she wasn't going to college. Hmmmm.
Good day today. Busy, but good. WOW was wonderful as always. I'm not sure if I'll be taking another class next session. I'll have my surgery when it's about to begin, so we'll see. Had my appt in Sedona today and that went fine as well. I spoke w/ my oncologist about a couple things that were on my mind - one of which was the possibility of removing my port at my next surgery. She wasn't real keen on this idea. My veins aren't the best anymore, and really won't be since the chemo. There's a a possibility we'll move to having the calcium treatments every 6 months around the summertime - but she wants to wait and see. Bottom line, we're going to see where we are when it is time to go in for my second surgery, switching out the expanders for the implants. Fair enough - that was actually when my plastic surgeon mentioned he would take it out anyway.
I also asked her about statistics. Now that my daily 'fight' is done so to speak, I've had time to really think about my disease and try, even though this is utterly impossible, see what the future may hold for me, know what I'm up against. I asked her about statistics of recurrence. Now, I don't know if she was speaking specifically about my specific type of breast cancer, in retrospect, I should have asked her this. She did say that you can't apply statistics to an individual - statistics were for the medical practice to see overall pictures of data. Unless you were speaking about something that had metastasized greatly, like pancreatic cancer, then it would be important information to share to allow a person to 'get their things in order'. That being said, before the wonderful drug of Avastin, breast cancer that had metastasized to the liver gave patients 2-3 years. They just don't know with the drug Avastin yet. I have to admit my heart sank when I heard this. I was suddenly full of fear sitting there in the examination room. I took a deep breath and we carried on the visit. She went on to say to me that she believes our mind has the power to do way more than we could ever imagine it doing. She wants me to take a course on this, which I'll touch on later. We then discussed my need for PET scans to check on any recurrence. She had initially said to me that we would do them every 3 months, but today, she said we could consider every 6 months. We could go off how I was feeling and my blood work. I said to her that when I was initially diagnosed - at stage IV mind you - I felt fine. And I believe my blood work looked fine as well. After checking, she concurred. We've elected to go every 3 months. For now. I don't think this decision for me is driven by fear, I don't want to live that way. I just would hate to feel fine then 6 months go by and we find something has reoccurred and we've missed valuable time is all. Maybe I'm rationalizing this, I don't know. I just want to make sure we're always trying to stay one step ahead, if that is even possible.
I went back to start my treatment and made a pit stop in the bathroom. The bathroom seems to be the place I have my best prayer moments lately - and as odd as this may seem, if you think about it, it's really the only place I get to be alone for a period of time during the day. The only time, really. So it makes sense. So there I sit - on the toilet, praying. I told God that I was scared of the information that I received, and that I had to just give it all to Him. I couldn't carry it with me or it would haunt me - making me full of fear 24/7. I can't and I won't live that way. I trust Him to walk with me, carry me through this journey, and I am ready to do whatever He calls me to do. I will not fear life, I will live my life. What a sight, me sitting there praying out loud, crying, on the toilet. Such a 'Dina' moment.
I spoke w/ PJ about this information once we got home and he was so logical about it. He said that logically it just didn't make any sense for this to come back. It felt good to hear this, but you know what? - there is no way, on God's beautiful green earth, that I will know what is going to happen. No way. That sucks, but you know what? That's life - no one knows what is going to happen to them - cancer or not. We just need to plan the best we can with the information we have, and live each day in the present, soaking each moment in the very best we can. Why is that so frickin hard sometimes? I'm getting better at it, but I found myself really struggling against it today. I have a feeling these moments are going to reoccur every 3 months or so - whenever it's time for a scan.
I just stepped away for a moment to find my devotional, because I realized I hadn't read today's yet. With tears streaming down my cheeks as I type, I must share this:
I AM WITH YOU AND FOR YOU. You face nothing alone - nothing! When you feel anxious, know that you are focusing on the visible world and leaving Me out of the picture. The remedy is simple: Fix your eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen. Verbalize your trust in Me, the Living One who sees you always. I will get you safely through this day and all your days. But you can find Me only in the present. Each day is a precious gift from My Father. How ridiculous to grasp for future gifts when today's is set before you! Receive today's gift gratefully, unwrapping it tenderly and delving into its depths. As you savor this gift, you find Me.
I continue to be blessed with how I am spoken to in this manner. My prayers are heard and answered. Wow.
I took a quick 'disco nap' as we call it in our house before I started typing here, and am slowly getting sleepy again. So off to bed with me. Need to be up early tomorrow for MOPS. I also have a Bowenworks appt tomorrow to see about getting some sciatica relief, please God let this work.
God Bless -
Good day today. Busy, but good. WOW was wonderful as always. I'm not sure if I'll be taking another class next session. I'll have my surgery when it's about to begin, so we'll see. Had my appt in Sedona today and that went fine as well. I spoke w/ my oncologist about a couple things that were on my mind - one of which was the possibility of removing my port at my next surgery. She wasn't real keen on this idea. My veins aren't the best anymore, and really won't be since the chemo. There's a a possibility we'll move to having the calcium treatments every 6 months around the summertime - but she wants to wait and see. Bottom line, we're going to see where we are when it is time to go in for my second surgery, switching out the expanders for the implants. Fair enough - that was actually when my plastic surgeon mentioned he would take it out anyway.
I also asked her about statistics. Now that my daily 'fight' is done so to speak, I've had time to really think about my disease and try, even though this is utterly impossible, see what the future may hold for me, know what I'm up against. I asked her about statistics of recurrence. Now, I don't know if she was speaking specifically about my specific type of breast cancer, in retrospect, I should have asked her this. She did say that you can't apply statistics to an individual - statistics were for the medical practice to see overall pictures of data. Unless you were speaking about something that had metastasized greatly, like pancreatic cancer, then it would be important information to share to allow a person to 'get their things in order'. That being said, before the wonderful drug of Avastin, breast cancer that had metastasized to the liver gave patients 2-3 years. They just don't know with the drug Avastin yet. I have to admit my heart sank when I heard this. I was suddenly full of fear sitting there in the examination room. I took a deep breath and we carried on the visit. She went on to say to me that she believes our mind has the power to do way more than we could ever imagine it doing. She wants me to take a course on this, which I'll touch on later. We then discussed my need for PET scans to check on any recurrence. She had initially said to me that we would do them every 3 months, but today, she said we could consider every 6 months. We could go off how I was feeling and my blood work. I said to her that when I was initially diagnosed - at stage IV mind you - I felt fine. And I believe my blood work looked fine as well. After checking, she concurred. We've elected to go every 3 months. For now. I don't think this decision for me is driven by fear, I don't want to live that way. I just would hate to feel fine then 6 months go by and we find something has reoccurred and we've missed valuable time is all. Maybe I'm rationalizing this, I don't know. I just want to make sure we're always trying to stay one step ahead, if that is even possible.
I went back to start my treatment and made a pit stop in the bathroom. The bathroom seems to be the place I have my best prayer moments lately - and as odd as this may seem, if you think about it, it's really the only place I get to be alone for a period of time during the day. The only time, really. So it makes sense. So there I sit - on the toilet, praying. I told God that I was scared of the information that I received, and that I had to just give it all to Him. I couldn't carry it with me or it would haunt me - making me full of fear 24/7. I can't and I won't live that way. I trust Him to walk with me, carry me through this journey, and I am ready to do whatever He calls me to do. I will not fear life, I will live my life. What a sight, me sitting there praying out loud, crying, on the toilet. Such a 'Dina' moment.
I spoke w/ PJ about this information once we got home and he was so logical about it. He said that logically it just didn't make any sense for this to come back. It felt good to hear this, but you know what? - there is no way, on God's beautiful green earth, that I will know what is going to happen. No way. That sucks, but you know what? That's life - no one knows what is going to happen to them - cancer or not. We just need to plan the best we can with the information we have, and live each day in the present, soaking each moment in the very best we can. Why is that so frickin hard sometimes? I'm getting better at it, but I found myself really struggling against it today. I have a feeling these moments are going to reoccur every 3 months or so - whenever it's time for a scan.
I just stepped away for a moment to find my devotional, because I realized I hadn't read today's yet. With tears streaming down my cheeks as I type, I must share this:
I AM WITH YOU AND FOR YOU. You face nothing alone - nothing! When you feel anxious, know that you are focusing on the visible world and leaving Me out of the picture. The remedy is simple: Fix your eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen. Verbalize your trust in Me, the Living One who sees you always. I will get you safely through this day and all your days. But you can find Me only in the present. Each day is a precious gift from My Father. How ridiculous to grasp for future gifts when today's is set before you! Receive today's gift gratefully, unwrapping it tenderly and delving into its depths. As you savor this gift, you find Me.
I continue to be blessed with how I am spoken to in this manner. My prayers are heard and answered. Wow.
I took a quick 'disco nap' as we call it in our house before I started typing here, and am slowly getting sleepy again. So off to bed with me. Need to be up early tomorrow for MOPS. I also have a Bowenworks appt tomorrow to see about getting some sciatica relief, please God let this work.
God Bless -
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Was that out loud?
So I wake up this morning, frantic cuz I look at my clock and it reads 6:45 am - I grumble to PJ that he didn't set his alarm and spring out of bed, take a shower, blow dry my hair - OH YEA - did I mention this? I need to BLOWDRY my hair otherwise I look like a helmet head grandma (not that there's anything wrong with that) anyway, I blow dry my hair, get dressed and ask PJ if he needs to shower as well as I turn on the television. I notice when I turn on the TV that the time reads 5:15 - 5:15 in the morning!!!! Seems my little sticky fingers Ginger found her way to my alarm clock yesterday and set it ahead 2 hours. PJ finally wakes up and says "Why are yo up so early?". Ugh. Needless to say, going back to sleep was not really going to happen. So that is kinda how my whole day went. Thinking one thing, then suddenly jolted in another direction.
Went to the gym again today, lovin it - but forgot to put my boobs back on when I went to change afterwards. So, as my husband puts it - I guess I got to 'go commando' today. It was really quite comfortable. I've pretty much stopped wearing the super realistic boobs btw - the bra that holds them, fits exactly the way it's supposed to - it's just tight. Like a sports bra would be - and this really irritates my right underarm. It feels like what little blood supply is getting there is getting cut off even more, if that makes sense. So I just throw on the dreaded surgical bra with the little pads and it is way more comfortable. PJ and I were hugging the other day and I wasn't wearing anything and I asked him if it felt weird and he said no - that when I have on my 'falsies' it felt weird. I then told him that five years ago I bet he never imagined saying 'falsies' to me in any sort of form. (our anniversary is next week - five years - you're supposed to get 'wood' for your fifth year anniversary. Oh, there is just too much material there to even start....)
Something was brought to my attention today, and it has been on my heart all day and all night. Loosely, my faith was challenged in direct connection to how I've chosen to express myself in my blog. I wasn't going to address it, because, well, let's just say that I never considered my blog up for debate. It's never been designed to be a two way conversation. My blog here is my blog - and I actually had to go back to my very first post to find my initial description of why I decided to have it in the first place - here's what I said:
First of all, let me say that this blog is really just a place for me to vent and get all these feelings and thoughts out of my brain to make room for more feelings and thoughts - cuz they seem to be overflowing through this experience. I'm not going to edit anything I say here - so please know that the entries may not flow correctly, will be very sporadic at times and might not make sense, but that's the way our brains work - or at least mine does. I will however try to make sure I spell everything correctly though - that drives me nuts. So here we go - my journey with my boob, and I'm not talking about my husband.
This blog is me. I write what I feel at the moment, and it has been so incredibly healing and cleansing for me. Sometimes I'm mad, pissed off, sad, and sometimes I need to laugh right through the pain. I don't expect anyone to ever be able to fully comprehend exactly what I've been through, no one can really. Everyones journey is different, I respect that. My hope in doing this was initially for me to be honest, then also to let people know what was going on w/ me without having to repeat the same old story a bunch of times. But also to see if someone out there could maybe identify with me in some way, cancer or not, and know, as corny as it sounds, that they weren't alone. I am proud of who I am, who I am becoming, and have become, through this process, and I think God is too.
Moving on - the big 'weigh in' is tomorrow. I'm going to predict I've lost, 4 maybe 5 lbs. I don't really feel like I've lost anything. Ya know what the big bummer is here - in the past, when I've lost weight, most of it starts with my boobs - I've always lost it there first. So, you do the math. I went to a playdate at my wonderful friend Julie's house today, along with 2 of my other dear friends (7 children total - yikes!!) and I explained to them that, in a warped kind of way, I feel 'skinnier' with no boobs. Noel then pipes up with 'then I'll take some cancer of the thighs please!'. Frickin hilarious. I love you Noel.
My friend Judy is now turned onto my awesome daily devotional I've been using at the recommendation of the rockin Pastor Mary - and she is reminding me to tune into it this week (she is most likely unaware of this) as since my routine is a bit shaken of late, I need this reminder. Today was a difficult day, on a couple levels, and today's devotional just brought me to comforting tears today. Totally need to share this:
I am renewing your mind. When your thoughts flow freely, they tend to move toward problems. Your focus gets snagged on a given problem, circling round and round it in attempts to gain mastery. Your energy is drained away from other matters through this negative focus. Worst of all, you lose sight of Me.
A renewed mind is Presence-focused. Train your mind to seek Me in every moment, every situation. Sometimes you can find Me in your surroundings; a lilting birdsong, a loved one's smile, golden sunlight. At other times, you must draw inward to find Me. I am always present in your spirit. Seek My face, speak to Me, and I will light up your mind.
God Bless -
Went to the gym again today, lovin it - but forgot to put my boobs back on when I went to change afterwards. So, as my husband puts it - I guess I got to 'go commando' today. It was really quite comfortable. I've pretty much stopped wearing the super realistic boobs btw - the bra that holds them, fits exactly the way it's supposed to - it's just tight. Like a sports bra would be - and this really irritates my right underarm. It feels like what little blood supply is getting there is getting cut off even more, if that makes sense. So I just throw on the dreaded surgical bra with the little pads and it is way more comfortable. PJ and I were hugging the other day and I wasn't wearing anything and I asked him if it felt weird and he said no - that when I have on my 'falsies' it felt weird. I then told him that five years ago I bet he never imagined saying 'falsies' to me in any sort of form. (our anniversary is next week - five years - you're supposed to get 'wood' for your fifth year anniversary. Oh, there is just too much material there to even start....)
Something was brought to my attention today, and it has been on my heart all day and all night. Loosely, my faith was challenged in direct connection to how I've chosen to express myself in my blog. I wasn't going to address it, because, well, let's just say that I never considered my blog up for debate. It's never been designed to be a two way conversation. My blog here is my blog - and I actually had to go back to my very first post to find my initial description of why I decided to have it in the first place - here's what I said:
First of all, let me say that this blog is really just a place for me to vent and get all these feelings and thoughts out of my brain to make room for more feelings and thoughts - cuz they seem to be overflowing through this experience. I'm not going to edit anything I say here - so please know that the entries may not flow correctly, will be very sporadic at times and might not make sense, but that's the way our brains work - or at least mine does. I will however try to make sure I spell everything correctly though - that drives me nuts. So here we go - my journey with my boob, and I'm not talking about my husband.
This blog is me. I write what I feel at the moment, and it has been so incredibly healing and cleansing for me. Sometimes I'm mad, pissed off, sad, and sometimes I need to laugh right through the pain. I don't expect anyone to ever be able to fully comprehend exactly what I've been through, no one can really. Everyones journey is different, I respect that. My hope in doing this was initially for me to be honest, then also to let people know what was going on w/ me without having to repeat the same old story a bunch of times. But also to see if someone out there could maybe identify with me in some way, cancer or not, and know, as corny as it sounds, that they weren't alone. I am proud of who I am, who I am becoming, and have become, through this process, and I think God is too.
Moving on - the big 'weigh in' is tomorrow. I'm going to predict I've lost, 4 maybe 5 lbs. I don't really feel like I've lost anything. Ya know what the big bummer is here - in the past, when I've lost weight, most of it starts with my boobs - I've always lost it there first. So, you do the math. I went to a playdate at my wonderful friend Julie's house today, along with 2 of my other dear friends (7 children total - yikes!!) and I explained to them that, in a warped kind of way, I feel 'skinnier' with no boobs. Noel then pipes up with 'then I'll take some cancer of the thighs please!'. Frickin hilarious. I love you Noel.
My friend Judy is now turned onto my awesome daily devotional I've been using at the recommendation of the rockin Pastor Mary - and she is reminding me to tune into it this week (she is most likely unaware of this) as since my routine is a bit shaken of late, I need this reminder. Today was a difficult day, on a couple levels, and today's devotional just brought me to comforting tears today. Totally need to share this:
I am renewing your mind. When your thoughts flow freely, they tend to move toward problems. Your focus gets snagged on a given problem, circling round and round it in attempts to gain mastery. Your energy is drained away from other matters through this negative focus. Worst of all, you lose sight of Me.
A renewed mind is Presence-focused. Train your mind to seek Me in every moment, every situation. Sometimes you can find Me in your surroundings; a lilting birdsong, a loved one's smile, golden sunlight. At other times, you must draw inward to find Me. I am always present in your spirit. Seek My face, speak to Me, and I will light up your mind.
God Bless -
Monday, February 1, 2010
Yes - That's Me - Flatty Patty!!!
It's so funny to catch people staring at my chest. My non-existent boobs are apparent mornings when I drop off Madeline and then of course at the gym now, as much as I try to hide it. I can't blame people for being curious. I would be too I suppose. It's just funny to catch people trying not to look. I am constantly reminded of this disease, daily. I wonder what a day will be like when I forget that I ever had breast cancer - just one day. Not in a denial kind of way, just a very matter of fact kid of way. Like - "Oh yea! That was me!" That would be cool. Who knows if that day will ever come. We'll see.
I have to confess something that has been on my mind since I started at the Y. Actually before that, but it has really come to the forefront of my mind since I joined the Y. Ok, I'm carrying some guilty here so please bear with me. I take a handicapped parking space at the Y. Now, I have the proper signage to do so, so it's not like I'm stealing it or anything, but I go back and forth on if it's really OK for me to do this. Part of me feels like "Hey - I had stage IV breast cancer and had my boobs whacked off - I'd like to not walk that far with a 20 month old in my arms, a diaper bag, gym bag and purse!" Then I think of all the cute little old ladies in the locker room (yes, some naked but let's not go there) and I feel bad. They should really have these spaces, cuz they are really hard to come by - seriously - it's like NYC in this parking lot. People are vicious about their spots - kinda makes me a little homesick to be honest. ;-) Anyway, that's been playing around in my mind - we'll see where my thoughts eventually land.
I was trying to picture today what the surgery will look like when they put the expanders back in. I'm obviously a little nervous about it - but I remembered that I won't have those 'purse string' closures any longer - so the healing, I'm hoping will go a lot faster. I never really got to see what that would have actually looked like, which is a bummer, but I would assume that this next surgery will have scaring much like I have now - 2 small lines across then closed with a sterry strip. I'm nervous about this and excited at the same time. I was getting out of the shower this evening and saw myself from a different view, and my chest actually looked all concave - it was eerie. I continually wrap my brain around this tighter as each day goes by. And I'm so blessed for the days, each day, as hokey as that sounds.
Tired this evening - had class tonight and it's going really well. I feel so called to do this work, I'm like a sponge every Monday night. School is really different when it covers something you actually WANT to do. Hmpf - who knew?
God Bless -
I have to confess something that has been on my mind since I started at the Y. Actually before that, but it has really come to the forefront of my mind since I joined the Y. Ok, I'm carrying some guilty here so please bear with me. I take a handicapped parking space at the Y. Now, I have the proper signage to do so, so it's not like I'm stealing it or anything, but I go back and forth on if it's really OK for me to do this. Part of me feels like "Hey - I had stage IV breast cancer and had my boobs whacked off - I'd like to not walk that far with a 20 month old in my arms, a diaper bag, gym bag and purse!" Then I think of all the cute little old ladies in the locker room (yes, some naked but let's not go there) and I feel bad. They should really have these spaces, cuz they are really hard to come by - seriously - it's like NYC in this parking lot. People are vicious about their spots - kinda makes me a little homesick to be honest. ;-) Anyway, that's been playing around in my mind - we'll see where my thoughts eventually land.
I was trying to picture today what the surgery will look like when they put the expanders back in. I'm obviously a little nervous about it - but I remembered that I won't have those 'purse string' closures any longer - so the healing, I'm hoping will go a lot faster. I never really got to see what that would have actually looked like, which is a bummer, but I would assume that this next surgery will have scaring much like I have now - 2 small lines across then closed with a sterry strip. I'm nervous about this and excited at the same time. I was getting out of the shower this evening and saw myself from a different view, and my chest actually looked all concave - it was eerie. I continually wrap my brain around this tighter as each day goes by. And I'm so blessed for the days, each day, as hokey as that sounds.
Tired this evening - had class tonight and it's going really well. I feel so called to do this work, I'm like a sponge every Monday night. School is really different when it covers something you actually WANT to do. Hmpf - who knew?
God Bless -
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