Mom - I Don't Want to Go To College

This is what Madeline said to me last night when she woke up in the middle of the night. Not kidding. I said, "ok sweetie, but we don't really have to decide this right now". I then asked her who told her about college, and she said her teacher. She asked me to please tell her teacher that she wasn't going to college. Hmmmm.

Good day today. Busy, but good. WOW was wonderful as always. I'm not sure if I'll be taking another class next session. I'll have my surgery when it's about to begin, so we'll see. Had my appt in Sedona today and that went fine as well. I spoke w/ my oncologist about a couple things that were on my mind - one of which was the possibility of removing my port at my next surgery. She wasn't real keen on this idea. My veins aren't the best anymore, and really won't be since the chemo. There's a a possibility we'll move to having the calcium treatments every 6 months around the summertime - but she wants to wait and see. Bottom line, we're going to see where we are when it is time to go in for my second surgery, switching out the expanders for the implants. Fair enough - that was actually when my plastic surgeon mentioned he would take it out anyway.

I also asked her about statistics. Now that my daily 'fight' is done so to speak, I've had time to really think about my disease and try, even though this is utterly impossible, see what the future may hold for me, know what I'm up against. I asked her about statistics of recurrence. Now, I don't know if she was speaking specifically about my specific type of breast cancer, in retrospect, I should have asked her this. She did say that you can't apply statistics to an individual - statistics were for the medical practice to see overall pictures of data. Unless you were speaking about something that had metastasized greatly, like pancreatic cancer, then it would be important information to share to allow a person to 'get their things in order'. That being said, before the wonderful drug of Avastin, breast cancer that had metastasized to the liver gave patients 2-3 years. They just don't know with the drug Avastin yet. I have to admit my heart sank when I heard this. I was suddenly full of fear sitting there in the examination room. I took a deep breath and we carried on the visit. She went on to say to me that she believes our mind has the power to do way more than we could ever imagine it doing. She wants me to take a course on this, which I'll touch on later. We then discussed my need for PET scans to check on any recurrence. She had initially said to me that we would do them every 3 months, but today, she said we could consider every 6 months. We could go off how I was feeling and my blood work. I said to her that when I was initially diagnosed - at stage IV mind you - I felt fine. And I believe my blood work looked fine as well. After checking, she concurred. We've elected to go every 3 months. For now. I don't think this decision for me is driven by fear, I don't want to live that way. I just would hate to feel fine then 6 months go by and we find something has reoccurred and we've missed valuable time is all. Maybe I'm rationalizing this, I don't know. I just want to make sure we're always trying to stay one step ahead, if that is even possible.

I went back to start my treatment and made a pit stop in the bathroom. The bathroom seems to be the place I have my best prayer moments lately - and as odd as this may seem, if you think about it, it's really the only place I get to be alone for a period of time during the day. The only time, really. So it makes sense. So there I sit - on the toilet, praying. I told God that I was scared of the information that I received, and that I had to just give it all to Him. I couldn't carry it with me or it would haunt me - making me full of fear 24/7. I can't and I won't live that way. I trust Him to walk with me, carry me through this journey, and I am ready to do whatever He calls me to do. I will not fear life, I will live my life. What a sight, me sitting there praying out loud, crying, on the toilet. Such a 'Dina' moment.

I spoke w/ PJ about this information once we got home and he was so logical about it. He said that logically it just didn't make any sense for this to come back. It felt good to hear this, but you know what? - there is no way, on God's beautiful green earth, that I will know what is going to happen. No way. That sucks, but you know what? That's life - no one knows what is going to happen to them - cancer or not. We just need to plan the best we can with the information we have, and live each day in the present, soaking each moment in the very best we can. Why is that so frickin hard sometimes? I'm getting better at it, but I found myself really struggling against it today. I have a feeling these moments are going to reoccur every 3 months or so - whenever it's time for a scan.

I just stepped away for a moment to find my devotional, because I realized I hadn't read today's yet. With tears streaming down my cheeks as I type, I must share this:

I AM WITH YOU AND FOR YOU. You face nothing alone - nothing! When you feel anxious, know that you are focusing on the visible world and leaving Me out of the picture. The remedy is simple: Fix your eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen. Verbalize your trust in Me, the Living One who sees you always. I will get you safely through this day and all your days. But you can find Me only in the present. Each day is a precious gift from My Father. How ridiculous to grasp for future gifts when today's is set before you! Receive today's gift gratefully, unwrapping it tenderly and delving into its depths. As you savor this gift, you find Me.

I continue to be blessed with how I am spoken to in this manner. My prayers are heard and answered. Wow.

I took a quick 'disco nap' as we call it in our house before I started typing here, and am slowly getting sleepy again. So off to bed with me. Need to be up early tomorrow for MOPS. I also have a Bowenworks appt tomorrow to see about getting some sciatica relief, please God let this work.

God Bless -