Yes - That's Me - Flatty Patty!!!

It's so funny to catch people staring at my chest. My non-existent boobs are apparent mornings when I drop off Madeline and then of course at the gym now, as much as I try to hide it. I can't blame people for being curious. I would be too I suppose. It's just funny to catch people trying not to look. I am constantly reminded of this disease, daily. I wonder what a day will be like when I forget that I ever had breast cancer - just one day. Not in a denial kind of way, just a very matter of fact kid of way. Like - "Oh yea! That was me!" That would be cool. Who knows if that day will ever come. We'll see.

I have to confess something that has been on my mind since I started at the Y. Actually before that, but it has really come to the forefront of my mind since I joined the Y. Ok, I'm carrying some guilty here so please bear with me. I take a handicapped parking space at the Y. Now, I have the proper signage to do so, so it's not like I'm stealing it or anything, but I go back and forth on if it's really OK for me to do this. Part of me feels like "Hey - I had stage IV breast cancer and had my boobs whacked off - I'd like to not walk that far with a 20 month old in my arms, a diaper bag, gym bag and purse!" Then I think of all the cute little old ladies in the locker room (yes, some naked but let's not go there) and I feel bad. They should really have these spaces, cuz they are really hard to come by - seriously - it's like NYC in this parking lot. People are vicious about their spots - kinda makes me a little homesick to be honest. ;-) Anyway, that's been playing around in my mind - we'll see where my thoughts eventually land.

I was trying to picture today what the surgery will look like when they put the expanders back in. I'm obviously a little nervous about it - but I remembered that I won't have those 'purse string' closures any longer - so the healing, I'm hoping will go a lot faster. I never really got to see what that would have actually looked like, which is a bummer, but I would assume that this next surgery will have scaring much like I have now - 2 small lines across then closed with a sterry strip. I'm nervous about this and excited at the same time. I was getting out of the shower this evening and saw myself from a different view, and my chest actually looked all concave - it was eerie. I continually wrap my brain around this tighter as each day goes by. And I'm so blessed for the days, each day, as hokey as that sounds.

Tired this evening - had class tonight and it's going really well. I feel so called to do this work, I'm like a sponge every Monday night. School is really different when it covers something you actually WANT to do. Hmpf - who knew?

God Bless -