Fear rears it's ugly head

Today was busy - and I was seriously wondering if I had the stomach flu today. Luckily, I felt much better by this afternoon, but I was not feelin it at all this morning. The girls were great, although I felt awful sending Ginger to 2 different day care facilities today - the one at the Y then at the church while I attended a meeting. I felt so bad. Needless to say she was very clingy with me today, which I didn't mind at all. She is the type of child that kisses everything. She has the biggest heart already. I'm so loving watching my girls turn into these little people. They are most awesome. I'm so lucky to have been chosen to be their mom.

Went to an open house at one of the elementary schools we're considering for Madeline tonight only to find it had been cancelled. So Madeline and I went and picked out Valentine candy for her class, then picked up some flowers for a friend of mine and went to visit her in the hospital. She just had some surgery that went great, and they actually released her just after we got there. I forget sometimes how awesome it is to just hang with Madeline. She is so fun. Even though she is listening to Kidzbop - ugh.

PJ and I ended up having dinner together this evening just after the kids went to bed, and that rarely happens. We began to reminisce a bit about what we were doing 5 years ago tonight - we were actually stuck in an airport heading to Vegas from NY and had this horrendous layover in Cincinnati. I was 8 weeks pregnant and determined to download a Flavor Flav ringtone. We laughed. Then I shared with him some of the fears I've been having lately - the fear that this stupid cancer will come back and kill me. I feel like I conquered this once before, and yet here it is again. And I know - live in the present and soak in each moment - I know - I've said these things a million times, and meant them - but sometimes, it just sounds like something you say to people who are dying. And I'm not dying - I don't believe that I am - but lately I just feel like there's this big 'YET' sitting in the middle of the room. Does that make sense? Is this normal? Then I think if I keep on having these thoughts they might just come true - our minds are very powerful things - and I don't want to be thinking these things - I really don't. Pray Dina - pray pray pray. It's so hard. My good friend Martha warned me about this - these 'minds catching up with what's happened' moments. I'm not liking this one. I don't know why I haven't written about it here - I've been having these thoughts for weeks now. Maybe I was afraid to. I don't know. My husband was very understanding, and let me talk. He always has the most comforting words to give me, wrapped in logic - which is so soothing, it's hard to explain. He speaks like he's had a peek into the future - like he knows. He is most comforting. I love him so much. We're going to dinner tomorrow night - just the two of us - using a $25 gift card to The Olive Garden my mom gave me (thanks mom!!!). We're pretty excited - to get to start and finish a conversation with no interruptions - don't really care where that occurs. I know I am blessed to have these 5 years with PJ - but I want 40 more. I want to be his wife, and my kids mother - for as long as I possibly can. That's all. I know, pray.

So Happy Valentine's Day for everyone this weekend. Madeline's little party is at school tomorrow and we put her little Valentines together for her classmates this evening. Well, I did actually. She doesn't really get it yet - but I absolutely love this stuff. I'm one of those moms - and I love it.

Considering my couple weeks of random dark thoughts (please don't think I was thinking this stuff 24/7 - just had moments each day where I would dwell for a spell) it is only appropriate that the Lord speaks to me this evening in the following passage:

My Peace is like a shaft of golden Light shining on you continuously. During days of bright sunshine, it may blend in with your surroundings. On darker days, My Peace stands out in sharp contrast to your circumstances. See times of darkness as opportunities for My Light to shine in transcendent splendor. I am training you to practice Peace that overpowers darkness. Collaborate with Me in this training. Do not grow weary and lose heart.

Practice makes perfect - God Bless -