Was that out loud?

So I wake up this morning, frantic cuz I look at my clock and it reads 6:45 am - I grumble to PJ that he didn't set his alarm and spring out of bed, take a shower, blow dry my hair - OH YEA - did I mention this? I need to BLOWDRY my hair otherwise I look like a helmet head grandma (not that there's anything wrong with that) anyway, I blow dry my hair, get dressed and ask PJ if he needs to shower as well as I turn on the television. I notice when I turn on the TV that the time reads 5:15 - 5:15 in the morning!!!! Seems my little sticky fingers Ginger found her way to my alarm clock yesterday and set it ahead 2 hours. PJ finally wakes up and says "Why are yo up so early?". Ugh. Needless to say, going back to sleep was not really going to happen. So that is kinda how my whole day went. Thinking one thing, then suddenly jolted in another direction.

Went to the gym again today, lovin it - but forgot to put my boobs back on when I went to change afterwards. So, as my husband puts it - I guess I got to 'go commando' today. It was really quite comfortable. I've pretty much stopped wearing the super realistic boobs btw - the bra that holds them, fits exactly the way it's supposed to - it's just tight. Like a sports bra would be - and this really irritates my right underarm. It feels like what little blood supply is getting there is getting cut off even more, if that makes sense. So I just throw on the dreaded surgical bra with the little pads and it is way more comfortable. PJ and I were hugging the other day and I wasn't wearing anything and I asked him if it felt weird and he said no - that when I have on my 'falsies' it felt weird. I then told him that five years ago I bet he never imagined saying 'falsies' to me in any sort of form. (our anniversary is next week - five years - you're supposed to get 'wood' for your fifth year anniversary. Oh, there is just too much material there to even start....)

Something was brought to my attention today, and it has been on my heart all day and all night. Loosely, my faith was challenged in direct connection to how I've chosen to express myself in my blog. I wasn't going to address it, because, well, let's just say that I never considered my blog up for debate. It's never been designed to be a two way conversation. My blog here is my blog - and I actually had to go back to my very first post to find my initial description of why I decided to have it in the first place - here's what I said:

First of all, let me say that this blog is really just a place for me to vent and get all these feelings and thoughts out of my brain to make room for more feelings and thoughts - cuz they seem to be overflowing through this experience. I'm not going to edit anything I say here - so please know that the entries may not flow correctly, will be very sporadic at times and might not make sense, but that's the way our brains work - or at least mine does. I will however try to make sure I spell everything correctly though - that drives me nuts. So here we go - my journey with my boob, and I'm not talking about my husband.

This blog is me. I write what I feel at the moment, and it has been so incredibly healing and cleansing for me. Sometimes I'm mad, pissed off, sad, and sometimes I need to laugh right through the pain. I don't expect anyone to ever be able to fully comprehend exactly what I've been through, no one can really. Everyones journey is different, I respect that. My hope in doing this was initially for me to be honest, then also to let people know what was going on w/ me without having to repeat the same old story a bunch of times. But also to see if someone out there could maybe identify with me in some way, cancer or not, and know, as corny as it sounds, that they weren't alone. I am proud of who I am, who I am becoming, and have become, through this process, and I think God is too.

Moving on - the big 'weigh in' is tomorrow. I'm going to predict I've lost, 4 maybe 5 lbs. I don't really feel like I've lost anything. Ya know what the big bummer is here - in the past, when I've lost weight, most of it starts with my boobs - I've always lost it there first. So, you do the math. I went to a playdate at my wonderful friend Julie's house today, along with 2 of my other dear friends (7 children total - yikes!!) and I explained to them that, in a warped kind of way, I feel 'skinnier' with no boobs. Noel then pipes up with 'then I'll take some cancer of the thighs please!'. Frickin hilarious. I love you Noel.

My friend Judy is now turned onto my awesome daily devotional I've been using at the recommendation of the rockin Pastor Mary - and she is reminding me to tune into it this week (she is most likely unaware of this) as since my routine is a bit shaken of late, I need this reminder. Today was a difficult day, on a couple levels, and today's devotional just brought me to comforting tears today. Totally need to share this:

I am renewing your mind. When your thoughts flow freely, they tend to move toward problems. Your focus gets snagged on a given problem, circling round and round it in attempts to gain mastery. Your energy is drained away from other matters through this negative focus. Worst of all, you lose sight of Me.

A renewed mind is Presence-focused. Train your mind to seek Me in every moment, every situation. Sometimes you can find Me in your surroundings; a lilting birdsong, a loved one's smile, golden sunlight. At other times, you must draw inward to find Me. I am always present in your spirit. Seek My face, speak to Me, and I will light up your mind.

God Bless -