Dragon Breath

Well, I can honestly say I am knee deep into chemo side effects. I have the nausea, the head aches, the horrific constipation, and fatigue. Yuk. I'm trying, really trying to just plow on through it - well, listen to it, respond accordingly, and move on. Trying not to wallow in it - really. It would be so easy at this point to just go ' screw it ' and be a constant bitch fest - but who wants to hang around with that person? Right? Plus, hellloooo - I've got kids around me looking all joyful and kid like, I couldn't stay bitchy for too long I suppose. I've armed myself with some probiotics, some ginger tea, and some trusty Miralax - so we'll so how all these things pan out. I'm certainly not going to just 'suffer through it' like before - no way. I will find relief, hopefully in some sort of natural way cuz if you saw the amount of pills (although mostly vitamins) I take each morning, you would think I was like, frickin 80 or something.

The battle between my head and my heart continues - I would be lying if things like this didn't go through my mind every day at some point:

I always hear those stories 'she fought for so long and it finally got the best of her'.
I wonder if my kids will remember me.
I wonder if my husband will remarry.
My husband and I haven't had long enough together yet - we're just getting started on memory making!
Will I look like Helen did when I watched her pass away?
Am I just in denial?
What is everyone else thinking when they hear my story - they are saying how awful it is aren't they?
I don't want anyone to know anymore.
I am going to spend the day as if I am a completely normal person.
I wish I could remember what not knowing felt like, for just a day or two.
Why can't I be the person I am now but just without cancer?
Can I go on Nutri System with cancer?
I need to pray more.
I need to get into the Word more.
I just want to poop - like everyone else.

Well, most of these things I think about every day - give or take some others. These were just a few from today. It's funny, because I may have a fear of dying from this disease, but I don't think I actually believe that I will. Call it denial or not, I just don't see it happening. In my 'fears' I can, but in what is real in my soul I don't - I guess that's good.

I know that this treatment, when we find out it't working, I'll have to continue for a spell. But I hope that I will be able to give it up and give myself a break for six months or so, because the last year and a half have been a real bitch. I do feel more 'physically' able then I have in a awhile. The infusion treatments seem to affect me more internally and the pill form medications I've been on affected me physically. I love my workouts now and really need to keep them a part of my weekly routine - they help me both mentally and physically. I'm able to physically move around with much more ease as of late - which is actually worth quite a lot. Maybe that's why I wasn't supposed to be on the non-working medications, eh? Perhaps. There is a bigger picture, I know this - just soooo wish I was in on the planning of it - my need to know what's comin up, my 'Monica-ness' if you will. This part of my personality is the same part that makes me CRAZY when my kids pull all of their toys out in the room - I don't turn into Mommy Dearest or anything, but I have to walk away and not go on there till the end of the day or I will start tidying till the cows come home. I like things neat, tidy, planned out. Very UNLIKE life, eh? Figures I'd get cancer. Figures.

Well, I need to have some tea and hit the hay. We had a really great weekend this weekend but really threw our whole 'routine' into the wind, which always takes me some time to recover from. We had PJ's dad up for the weekend, and that kind of resulted in many late nights for my kids, which makes for even later nights for me. My girls just light up with their Grandpa is here, it is the sweetest thing. I had a lovely evening with my girls - we watched this wicked cool show on channel 8 about sea turtles, I watched Ginger say 'turtle' like 100 times which was just about the cutest thing I've ever seen (aside from the sound of her eating goldfish crackers) and read stories and prayed and they actually went right to sleep - I think they missed the routine too.

This evening I tuned into my love for my family like I haven't in a long time. They are my lifeline - quite literally. My family holds every sense of my being, and I thank God every day for the gift I have been given - them. Many people in this world rarely know the love I am experiencing for my husband, my children. What a precious gift. Soak it in. Have a great week -

God Bless