girl interrupted

That is so how I have felt lately. Like my life was going along like everyone else's then this huge, major interruption that continues to interrupt interrupt interrupt. I try to keep myself from looking at others and not be so overwhelmingly jealous, but I am. So jealous that they have these healthy bodies with no breast cancer in them and I don't - I know no good comes from this kind of thinking, I know this - but it is just so hard to try to keep myself from thinking these things.

Today felt good to get into our new kindergarten routine without having to run around town for this test or that or run to Sedona - it was lovely to just be a mom today and not so much a cancer patient. My side effects are minimal right now, just slight waves of nausea, and yes, the wonderful chemo constipation is back in full force - lovely. The anti-nausea medication seems to cause this along with the chemo itself - double whammy. So that just feels oh so special. Other than that - I'm peeing a lot and that is about it. And tired - I feel like I could always use a nap - but doesn't everyone?

With Madeline in school it's seeming to not work out where PJ can come to treatment with me - which I'm starting to have mixed feelings about. I never realized what a strong force we were together when we did this before, and now, to be doing it on my own feels strange - empty. It feels like he and I are on separate pages this time, not the 'force to be reconed with' as before. I know he's angry - really angry that it's back. So am I. But I have to trust the journey and my doctors and my God that this is all happening for a reason, one that may never be revealed to me and I am trying to remember to approach it with a positive attitude and keep focusing on good health for me no matter what. Thankfully I have not ever felt 'sick' with this - with the excpetion of how the chemo makes me feel, I've always been real strong and I intend to keep it that way. It just sucks more now because I feel like I'm the only one keeping this mind set. Even when my onc told me it was getting 'worse' as she called it last week, my initial reaction was 'what? are you kidding? arg!' then I totally was like 'so what's next, where do we go from here?' I didn't get all pissed off, I didn't dwell on it, I was ready to immediately move into the next phase. I trust my God to be with me through this and I know, deep in my heart I will be fine. I realized today as I drove back home with my 2 sleeping children in the back seat that lately, I've also been spending WAY too much time playing the 'what if' game - easy to do, yes, but such a waste of the 'now'. I'm missing the 'right now' while I sit and stew over the 'what if'. I'm one of those 'planner people' so I like things planned out, organized and tidy. Cancer is anything but tidy. I used to be better at enjoying the NOW and need to get back into that mindset. Again, before when this was fresher news, I had lots of people reminding me of this, now, well, it's just harder to instigate this all myself - but that is where I am now. This is a way of life right now - when it was 'breaking news' it was on lots of people's radar, now it's mostly on mine - which is totally fine and makes perfect sense. There have been many times as of late that I have to do my own 'self check'. It's almost like I still go through the same thinking process and need to talk through it each time, but I can tell that my hubby is just worn out on the conversations. Makes perfect sense, I mean he's been living it right along with me - I can't blame him for this. I can't imagine how exhausted and drained he must be with this. It's funny, I think I'm just constantly looking for someone to tell me everything is going to be ok - lately I am only able to get this through prayer and meditation. No one is saying anything anymore.

Ya know what though? I was thinking this morning while I was working out that I bet if this had not happened to me, I would be bitching about something insignificant - and bitching pretty heartily I would imagine. I used to be VERY good at that - funny how cancer has changed me. I look back now and see how petty, silly and dramatic I was with certain things. It's a little embarrassing actually and a shame it took cancer to wake me up and give me a shot of real perspective. Ironically I am thankful for this - I find I'm a whole hell of a lot more pleasant to be around now. I also am so in tune with others now it's scary. I can look at someone and actually feel what they are feeling. It is astounding. I guess I was always like this, but cancer just tuned it in. Centered it. I would assume I am supposed to use this, how I'm not real sure yet. We'll see.

I get to take my little Madeline to school tomorrow, watch her walk into class with her Buzz Lightyear backpack, and wave goodbye to me for the day, while holding my little Ginger's 2 year old hand in mine. I can't tell you what a gift this is. I pray to God that I will continue to receive this gift throughout the next 20 years, but then kick myself and remember that I'm pretty damned lucky to have it today.

God Bless -