Third Time's a Charm???

Well, results from CT scan are showing that the meds I was on, Xeloda and Avastin are not working. My main tumor is now at approx 3 cm and it may even look like tiny minuscule little baby ones are now forming on my liver. Great. I was a bit taken back by this, I was really hoping for at least no movement.

The plan now is to start me on a drug called Adriamycin. This has the nickname of 'the red devil' to those cancer patients who have had to endure it. It's a chemo drug, and it's a 'push' meaning they give me my premeds via drip intravenous then they administer the chemo through a syringe, slowly, directly into me. (they utilize my port, it's just a syringe given by a nurse rather than a bag drip) I will be getting this once a week for three weeks then have a week off. Side effects aren't quie as bad as the Taxol, and I'll be getting a lower dose than normal of this so hopefully no hair loss. If this works, great, if not, then I will be eligible to start on a clinical trial. Thing is, I have to have been on 3 different drugs to be a candidate for this trial, and those three are Xeloda, Taxol and Adriamycin. Weird thing is, well, there have been MANY weird things unfold within the last 24 hours to be honest, but THIS weird thing is that I'm not sure if I'm being put on this drug just to get to the trial or if they actually think this drug is going to work. I mean, time is of the essence here as this thing is still growing inside me - the bigger it gets the more medicine I'll need to kill it. That's what my 'patient logic' is telling me. Then I have my husband saying he thinks we should just go back to the Taxol - we know that worked. Yes, I would lose my hair with it - but I would also have all those other little nuggets of shitness that accompanies it as well - mouth sores, hemorrhoids, the most unbearable constipation I've ever endured, no eyelashes, no eyebrows, and in bed for 2 days a week. Gee - wonder why I want to try as many other things first before I go back to this. And would this be for life? I know it's been presented to me as such, but I don't think I would do it that way. I'd like to find something that works, have it blow this cancer out of the water for six months then stop and see what happens. I don't know - I think I just need to take this one day at a time and do what I hear God telling me to do - funny thing is, I can't hear Him to save my life right now. Literally. Pastor Mary says its like the Elijiah story - where he is enduring the winds trying to hear God, the earthquakes, the fires - and not until it is all still and quiet does he hear the Lord. I must be in the storm. Dead center.

So here I am by myself at this appointment getting this news and it seems like I'm the only one with hope. My onc seemed all kinda hopeless about it, my husband is just pissed, and here I sit. Hooked up to my calcium treatment while we see if we can get me scheduled for an echo cardiogram quickly as they need this to start me on the new drug, which I had done today and I'm scheduled to go have this new drug tomorrow. Bing Bang Boom. Guess it's better that it happens this fast.

My brain went to a dark place last night. I started just feeling so bad - so bad that when I share this information it makes everyone so sad. They get so upset - namely my husband - I look at him and just love him so much, it kills me to see him hurting as I tell him the news. He deserves so much more out of this life than this, the dark place tells me that he deserves a healthy wife and a healthy life with which to raise these kids - that I should just go away and try to get better alone, to not subject anyone else to this - to handle it all by myself. Told you this place was dark, right? So I cry last night, I get on the floor, on my knees, my face to the floor and I scream to the Lord, why? Why me? Why haven't you healed me like you say you will? I want to live - I want my life - my husband needs me, my children need me, my parents need me - I beg you to heal me. I beg you for my life.

Madeline caught me crying last night - she asked me why I was crying and I told her quite simply that mommy's cancer was still growing and it made me scared and sad. She went and got me her blanket and 2 stuffed animals and said I could sleep with them. And I could sleep with them for ALL nights, not just one. Last night I did - and it helped. So did the percocet, but so did her blanket and things. My angel, sent from heaven, comforts me with her grace. I am blessed.

I will fight this, with every inch of my being, every piece of my soul - I just need to hear Him, cuz right now I feel like his voice is just being drowned out by a bunch of BS. Gotta clear out the BS and get to healing. I've also decided to clean my plate a bit - I have to let go of some of the volunteer work I've been doing and just focus my energy on getting well. The energy I do have I need to give to my family. They deserve that.

Didn't mean to be so dark this evening, but it feels much better to get this crap out of my head and onto this computer screen. I'll write more after tomorrow, gotta share this new medication experience - maybe third time's a charm. Let's pray for that.

God Bless -

Dina