Cajun Chemo #3 - Pick It Up!

Well, treatment number three went down nice and smooth. Red as blood going in - so strange. I must say, these treatment experiences continue to astound and surprise me. I was so wanting to post last night but really just needed a long conversation on the phone w/ a friend to kind of, well, decompress if you will. Thank you friend.

PJ ended up going with me to treatment yesterday, which was good I guess. He basically worked the whole time, but at least he much was able to pay attention to how the whole NEW process works now. He was there in time to pray with me before the adrymiacin - and that is really the most important part. I don't know if I've explained it here before but the nurse sits right in front of you administering this chemo drug. It's a little invading - like I was used to them just hanging the bag of medicine, flipping the switch and off they would go - leaving me to my own meditation of sorts while the drug flowed through me. This way, the nurse is literally touching knees w/ me. Plus I have to eat ice chips throughout it to keep from developing mouth sores - another distraction. This time I just closed my eyes and prayed my little prayer, using the vision that Pastor Mary gave me - which helped immensely. Although I love the nurses, I wish they could just move back just a little. But then again, I am tall. Oy.

Well, even though I was scheduled for a 11pm appt I didn't get into even see my onc till after noon - then didn't start treatment till almost 1 - it was a very long day. However, the reason I was late was because there were 2 newly diagnosed women in front of me starting their treatment yesterday as well. I was immediately asked by the head nurse if I wouldn't mind speaking to them, which I agreed whole heartily immediately. I met a 30 year old woman with a 12 week old baby starting treatment yesterday. She and her husband were there together. I could so relate to the look on her face. She didn't know me, she had a million things racing through her brain, and she was lovely and cordial to me - she certainly didn't have to be. I recognized her expressions so well - the fear, the not knowing, the disbelief, the trying to still act like 'you' when 'you' is suddenly changing so quickly and drastically you can't even keep up with it mentally. People shoving papers in front of you requiring your signature and you have no idea what you are signing you just want to get on with it to just kill this shit so you can try to think about moving on with your life if you can. I felt a little silly at times talking to her - like I was saying such 'cliche' type things. But the one thing I told her, and that I told another woman I met having treatment for the first time, was that she had no idea how strong she really was. That we would never in a million years think we were strong enough to go through something like this but we are - and we do. I told her she would surprise herself. I don't know if I helped, I got a little emotional with her as well - which was, well, awkward. After speaking to her, I went back to where I was sitting and almost broke down. I looked back at her and I'm not exaggerating here, I could feel what she was feeling, literally, feel it. I was overwhelmed by it. I told PJ what I was feeling, and he says this is a gift - my ability to just tap into people. After much consideration, I think it is a gift as well. I think this is God using me to help other people. Suddenly yesterday, it no longer was about me getting my treatment. It was about how I could help someone else get through their first treatment. I could be a face of a young fighter in the midst of a sea of elderly cancer patients - which is a majority of what is in there. I don't know if I helped, I don't really feel like I did - but I know that I felt her fear - and wanted so badly to just take it away from her. It hurts me so much to see others in pain, I can feel others heartache, I am connected. I don't want to try to 'control' this - I'm smart enough to not stay there in that feeling or lose sleep over it or obsess about it - but I think this connection to others validates them - gives them comfort, understanding, acceptance. Isn't that what we all want? Shit I know I sure do. The fact that this young, beautiful woman has her first child and now has the whole experience tainted by this frickin cancer? Are you kidding me? This is outrageous! You mean to tell me they can duplicate a frickin sheep but can't cure fucking cancer? This doesn't make sense! For something that isn't contagious this certainly is feeling a whole lot like it is. Too many people - too many. Ok, stepping off the pedestal now - but only for a drink of water - I seem to lug this thing around with me to use whenever I feel the urge, which was tonight apparently.

Then I get sat w/ a gentleman who had no qualms about discussing anything and everything that was going on with himself medically which, and I think I can handle just about anything, was a bit TMI even for me. Let's put it this way, when he referred to himself as a 'cantaloupe hanging down' in reference with him going to the bathroom - I just picked up a book and started reading. So I went from one extreme to another.

In any case, we got our kids picked up and in my loving arms and back home but it was a long day. Gone from 7:30 am to 4pm. Long day. Then PJ ended up working till the wee hours of the morning and he is at a meeting tonight. Now, I don't know if it's the steroids I'm still on or what, but since I've been taking the supplements recommended to me, I have felt pretty good. Just still have the constipation issue going, which I'm trying to manage with laxatives and stool softeners right now (I keep having flashbacks of my nana drinking her Senekot every night - all I'm missing is the housecoat) but otherwise I'm feeling really good and seem to be tolerating this pretty well. Considering what others are going through this week, I think I'm doing just fine. I'm really looking forward to my surgery coming up on the 10th of Sept so I can get these mini basketballs removed from my chest and some nice squishy implants put in. I am just really focused right now on listening to my body, resting when I need to (or can w/ 2 small children) and taking good care of myself. I need to stay extra healthy for this surgery -need to heal perfectly so this can be over and done with. So ready to have this reconstruction over with. The end is in sight, thank you Jesus.

Well, speaking of resting, I'm off to do that right now. I thank God for everything I have in my life, the people and family around me - and those who hold my own cares above their own. This stupid cancer continues to give me such perspective. Dammit.

God Bless -