No - Even with a prosthetic you can still be an asshole.

So I'm driving home from picking up Madeline from school when this guy totally crosses the street against the light - which, coming from NY I'm not totally against at all - but you need to cross with purpose, not cross bringing traffic to a stop - which is what this guy did. I mutter something under my breath to make sure Madeline does not hear me when I realize this guy has a prosthetic leg. I suddenly stop and start to feel a little guilty - then come out with the line above. I still stand my this comment, and no, Madeline did not hear me.

So - my workouts provide me such quality enlightenment time, I'm so fortunate to have these moments. I realized that subconsciously we all kinda have what we think our life is going to be like already mapped out in our heads - all of us, don't we? I mean we all just assume we are going to grow old and die one day. But when you get played the cancer card, this kinda throws that subconscious assumption out the window - or at least challenges it. I find this interesting. Something you really never thought about - ever - is suddenly the thing you can't stop thinking about. I know, I don't dwell on it - I just find it an interesting shove into a different reality from the one you thought you existed in. I've also been thinking a lot about my envy towards others and I think I have really embraced something. I need to learn to love this body that God has given me. I need to suck it up, and start coveting my own physicalness - start really appreciating what I've been given and take extra special care of it. What good am I doing me by wasting all my energy looking at what I think other people have? It's not supposed to be easy, it takes work, but I can do this. I will work my ass off for myself. I need to. I can't just sit around and wait for whatever drugs they decide to pump into my body to work - I gotta do my part. I've started taking some supplements on the organic side (all approved by my onc) and now I'm really going to start looking at what I am eating. I just need to take an active part in my own healing here - no matter what the result. I can't just sit and wait for something to happen. I need to change too.

So I have treatment tomorrow and it looks like I'm going to be going by myself, which is really fine. I was kinda butt hurt about it at first, but now, I'm totally ready. It's kind of empowering actually. I still get to take Madeline to school, so at least I get to do that. I miss her so much now that she's in school. It's such a long day. I only get a couple hours with her after school now - but driving to and from school is my most favorite part so far, listening to her talk about school and everything she is learning and doing. I watch her head out to the playground in the mornings and she is just such a free spirit. She has no insecurity, nothing holding her back from anything. She'll go up to kids and just start chatting them up - or just run by herself, smiling and laughing - soooooo not like me. I think I was worried what other people thought of me in kindergarten, no joke. Not sure where that came from, but so glad Madeline doesn't have that - she is so awesome.

I feel like I've been given new eyes - I see my kids so clearly. They are so awesome - I can't believe they are mine sometimes, that God picked me - me - to be their mommy. My girls are so incredibly different from one another, but also so tied to each other and PJ and I at the same intensity. Our little family of four is so cozy, so comfy. We all just love being together, and I just can't soak them up enough. This past news of this cancer continuing to grow really got me for a spell, but I'm not going to let it get the best of me like that again. I'm going to give it my all, with the help of my family and friends. I'm not going to waste anymore time playing the what if game, or poor me. This is it - ya gotta just suck it up and soak it in. My daily devotional the other day spoke of letting her 'feelings' rule instead of her 'faith' rule. This rang so incredibly true to me - I'm such a 'feel' person anyway, constantly operating in 'feel' mode. What I need to do sometimes is turn off the feel and turn on the faith. What a difference.

God Bless -