TUMS Popping Mama

Oh yea, that's me. My belly is churning kids - must be doing the chemo churn - since the Adrymiacin is red (red devil) PJ and I have decided to rename it the "Cajun Chemo". It sounds much better that way - spicy. Oh yea.

So today was a little more difficult than yesterday - was just a little fatigued today. I think this is mostly because my lovely little Ginger has regressed back to her newborn days. PJ and I decided that we woke up feeling like we had a newborn again but without all the newborn benefits (nice smell, cute squeaky noises, little blob that doesn't move around much). Ginger was up at 1, 2, 3 then 4 am. I'm not sure what's happening with her - she cries out yelling for MOM or DAD - then we get in there and there's just no consoling her. She has had some pretty cute moments w/ me though since we've been spending time together just she and I lately. She'll grab my face and just plant these huge kisses on me. So frickin awesome. She is a brut but she is such a love at the same time. What a gift.

Met my friend today at the mall and let Ginger run in the play area. It felt good to just confess some stuff out loud to my friend. I am so blessed to have such good friends in my life - I can't imagine having to go through this anywhere else. I've never had friends like the ones I have now ever - ever in my life before. This is not by mistake.

So I get lots of advice - LOTS of advice on how to handle this cancer thing - from positive thinking, to visualization, to foods to eat, to music to listen to, everything you can think of. I appreciate it, I really do, but sometimes I just feel like screaming 'Easy for you to say!!! You don't have any idea the thoughts that run through my mind on a daily basis so shut the hell up if you wouldn't mind!!!!" I wish I could make a list of all the things that go through my mind each day - it would fill a large pinata at least. That's what I wish I could shut off myself lately - just shut it off. That's why I take things to help me sleep at night - so I can just stop thinking. Good? Bad? No frickin idea - just know it works and I'm usually able to get sleep this way - barring no child interruptions. Which, to be honest, can make for long days the next day, but there is something secretly cool about a little person calling YOUR name through the monitor at night - you are the only one they want and you are the only one who can comfort them. Pretty cool. There is nothing like being the parent to YOUR kid - knowing YOUR kid like no other. Being a mom is the best thing I've ever experienced - that, plus one of those Dairy Queen Blizzards swirled with Girl Scout Tag a Longs. Oy.

I have treatment on Thurs, and so does my mother in Phx. How ironic is this - I'm pissed I can't go with her. Luckily, mine is in the am, so I can try to have a normal day afterwards. My friend is going with me - it breaks my heart to think of my mom going by herself. No one should have to do this alone. Ever. But a lot of people do - I see it each time I'm in Sedona.

I'm going to try to get my head out of myself and onto others. I feel like I've been wallowing in this sea of self pity and I need to pull my ass out of it. I will try to pace myself better now and save my strength for me to get well and my family, but I need to focus my attention on others, and loving others. That is what we are called to do - to be to each other - and the more I'm drowning myself in my own shit, the more depressed I get, the more self involved I become. A clear sign that is not what is meant to be - so I will try my hardest to fall in line with what we are supposed to be to each other in this life. Need a whole lotta praying to get there.

God Bless -