Memories of the 'Flush'

I had forgotten about the red flushing of my face from the steroid drip - oh how pleasant. Or maybe it's just my hubby making me blush as he tends to do on occasion. In any case, the pre-med steroid drip is in full force. Here's the rundown of what went down on Friday - I would have used 'Mr Toads Wild Ride' as my post title, but I think I have used that one before -

The deal on Fri initially was, PJ would take Madeline to school then stay in town and pick her up. I would wake up a little later w/ Ginger and she and I would go to prayer circle, then my friend Jennifer would take her for the afternoon while I go and pick up my step mother, Nancy, to accompany me to treatment. Then PJ would pick up Madeline, then Ginger, then we would meet at home in the late afternoon. Sounds like a plan right? Well, it didn't go exactly as planned. PJ left with Madeline, and I am enjoying a leisurely morning not having to leave an hour later than I usually do when I notice, around 8:10am than Madeline has left her show and tell on the kitchen table. After a time of trying to figure out exactly how this has happened as I specifically remember placing it in her back pack, I yell to Ginger that we are leaving NOW and she pops up ready to go (what a trooper). As I'm frantically trying to get us rushed and ready to go (school starts at 8:30 and it's a good 1/2 drive into town) my cell phone rings and it's my onc saying the echo I had done the day before didn't give them the information that they needed for me to receive my treatment. She actually went into detail about what she was looking for in this test, but she could have been speaking Greek - so I asked her to dumb it down for me - they need to know the pace of my blood as it pumps through my heart so they have a starting point to measure - make sure it's pumping at a healthy level - apparently the echo didn't show that. She says she is going to call the cardiologist and call me back. Ok. Hmmmm. So I pack up Ginger and away we go to the school when my phone rings again, it's my onc. She says I need you to get to the hospital right now to do a MUGA scan - they're waiting for you. Um, ok? Hmmmm I think - how the hell am I going to do this. I thought PJ could meet me and get Ginger but then remembered he had a meeting in town at 8:30 that was the whole reason he was going in in the first place - so I decided to call Jennifer and see if she was up for my little Ginger a little earlier than originally expected. She was thank you GOD - I dropped off the show and tell, then Jennifer met me at the hospital and took Ginger for me and I went in for my scan. Not realizing now involved this was - they had to take some blood, put some nuclear stuff in it, mix it up a bit (probably more technical then like a salad spinner or something I would imagine) then inject it back into me, then take some xrays of my chest - pretty cool, just didn't know it was this involved. So I don't show up to prayer time till 10:40 (supposed to be at 10) and my appt in sedona is at 1:15 which I don't really know yet if I can even go since they technically still don't have the heart info they need to give me this medicine. So my prayer warriors show up and wait for me, we pray, cry and pray again, then I head out to go pick up Nancy. On the way I call my onc who says YAY! the results are in and I'm good to go. Apparently my blood pumps beautifully, at least something is, eh? So off I go to get Nancy - pick her up and we're off.

I was nervous, I have to admit. Pissed too - that I was back in these frickin recliners to do this again. Fiona was there and I asked her if she wouldn't mind giving me my treatment as I was a bit nervous. She is such a doll. Love her. She did. The steroid pre-med did make me a bit brain fuzzy as it started, but then fine. That took about 20 minutes - then came the huge syringe with, yep, bright red liquid in it. Freaky. Fiona brought me some ice chips as this tends to help with mouth sores as the chemo is injected, so I say and she had me talking about my kids the whole time, ice chips in my mouth and all. She knew exactly what she was doing. Before I knew it, the push was done and I was free to go. She said that I may pee red for a few times that day - which I did. And I may get nauseous - which I actually did on my way home. I thought about pulling over, but we made it to Cottonwood and got a smoothie and that really helped. (thank you Jack In The Box) Actually, getting nauseous now, need to take a nausea pill, be right back. There much better. That and cold drinks seem to help a lot. Who knew.

I have moments of being OK with this, and then dark moments. I feel comfortable with this medicine, and feel comfortable with the decision to go on this medicine. I spoke w/ my onc and she felt this would make a significant different. It reads and feels like a chemo drug - hair thinning or loss will occur - since my dose is lower than the usual push, they don't think I'll lose my hair - but I've been hearing yes you will and no you won't - I'm not sure what will happen. Whatever happens will happen in 2-3 weeks, so we'll see. I think what I was on before (the pills) were more of a 'gentle chemo' and I apparently need the hard stuff. I asked her about Taxol, and she said 'ya know Dina, we've got it right here, right in our back pocket - we'll use it if we have to' and I'm just fine with that. I feel like I'm on a smaller dose of that now to be honest, it's a very familiar feeling this drug. I'm just anxious to see how I feel so I can determine when I can schedule these treatments. I want so badly to keep my family in some sort of routine - I don't want to not be able to be a wife, mother, mommy, friend. I know though, I know how important me taking care of myself is. I don't think I really got that before. Really. I think I was just trying to fit cancer treatment into my already set schedule, and that really wasn't working. My friend said to me recently that I need to allow myself the time to rest, and also to meditate on kicking this cancer's ass. I hadn't thought about allowing myself time to get my mind in line with my heart in this battle. They go against each other quite a bit ya know, fight each other. Our brains do us some damage, and I need to allow myself time to get my brain in order. That means lighting up my schedule, changing my schedule. I'm starting to do this now. She's right - I need to make time to get my brain in fighting mode. So important.

Well, I'm off to cuddle with my hubby on the couch. We had family picnic night tonight on the floor in our family room. Which basically means we decided to eat our dinner on the floor and watch a movie then have pop corn. The girls were in hog heaven - so cute. Madeline said to me tonight "what does your cancer shirt say again mom? Oh yea, 'mmm chemo - stupid cancer!'" This is the only time I allow her to say 'stupid' as that is not a permitable word in our house. She rocks.

God Bless-