I was getting anxious this afternoon. CTCA didn't call me yesterday and I was getting anxious. This is the first time in this whole ordeal where I didn't have a plan in actual motion. I had called off my last treatment which was supposed to be last Friday expecting a call on Monday that never came. I just don't like not having a plan in action to fight this thing. I pushed a bit - I called my case manager on Mon afternoon and spoke w/ her then when I didn't hear anything by early afternoon today, I emailed her. Within minutes she called me and told me she was sorry they hadn't been in touch sooner but to expect a call from the surgeons nurse. This is a protocol procedure, so that means pre-testing to make sure all is in order and to also have a starting benchmark so to speak. Well, just as I got done saying out loud to myself in the kitchen this afternoon "everything is going to be fine, everything is going to work out just the way it is supposed to" the phone call came. I'm scheduled for a ct scan tomorrow morning then immediately afterwards a consult with the surgeon. Wow. Mind you, I pushed a bit, but I think that is just the kind of patient I am. I want things moving, I'm not one to just sit back and wait for things to move around me. Good, bad or indifferent - and well, it works.
My Madeline is still sick, which is really strange. I had to go pick her up from school yesterday as she complained of the top of her head hurting, had a low grade temp then threw up in the nurses office. I got her home, gave her some Motrin and lots of water and put her to bed and within a couple hours her fever was gone and she was begging me for food. This morning she got up and was running with her sister, no motrin no fever. 4pm hits and boom, she has a fever of 101. What the )(*)*U)? Motrin is controlling it, but since I haven't had a full 24 hours without a fever, I can't send her back to school. Poor thing. She's sleeping w/ me tonight so I can keep tabs on her - PJ gets to sleep w/ Ginger. So is the life of parents w/ small children. Gotta love it.
So went to the gym yesterday which felt great. I actually did 30 min on the elliptical, not bad for not going for over 2 weeks, and was working on some of the machines when I am not lying, this voice out of nowhere came into my mind saying this "quit spending so much time envying other people and make your life worth living!" No joke, out of nowhere these words came to me. I immediately started crying (although not missing a beat on my workout thank you very much) and realized just how frickin true this actually was. Envy had been feeling like it was taking over my thinking - and this was just the shot of perspective I needed. Awesome.
I have to say I am nervous about this new road I've chosen to go down. Sometimes I wish someone would just tell me what the right thing do to is. I still feel so bad for not continuing with my onc - I love her - I will miss her terribly - but this just makes sense to me in the way of treatment and an opportunity to completely eradicate it out of my body. She did so much for me - she saved my life. I don't completely understand her reasoning's for not supporting this procedure as a plan of action for me. Her exact words were 'we won't have a lesion marker for future treatment'. If I was just all about chemo drugs, this would make sense. But I figure if I have an opportunity to kill this thing why not do it? While my veins are still relatively healthy and able to sustain this. I'm already prepared to get another dose of chemo after this procedure to 'seal the deal' so I am totally on board for that - but it is just so scary. Have to prepare for a bald Christmas at the Mountcastle house I guess - but I have boobs this year? Next year I'll get boobs AND hair. What a gift that would be. I was reading again about the procedure today and wow, it's wicked cool - like total sy fy kind of stuff, but a little scary just the same. And I didn't know it was a protocol, but that makes sense.
Well, I best get off to bed here soon. I have an early morning ahead of me and an awfully long day tomorrow. Excited to get this show on the road. I was thinking the other day (uh oh) and wouldn't it be funny if after the procedure, since I can't be within 3 feet of anyone for a week, they fashioned me with one of those plastic deals they put on dogs necks, but this would be around my waist? Hmmmmmm.
God Bless -
DINA'S BOOB BLOG - An online journal of my breast cancer experience.
I read up on the procedure, too, and you're right -- it's totally sci-fi. As for the radiation, I remember when they installed radiation detectors on fire trucks in New York after 9/11, there were reports of people walking down the street after having radioactive serums injected for various procedures and suddenly finding themselves surrounded by a hazmat team because they set off the detectors. So stay clear of fire trucks if you can.
ReplyDeleteDavid (still reading, still thinking of you).
PS I like the blog's new look.