Squishies Here I Come!!!!!

I am so excited to have this surgery I could just eat beetles. I'm serious - first of all, the drugs are great, and most importantly, can't wait to no longer cause a head injury to my children when I hug them. These are deadly I tell you - if I turn into you too quickly I can cause some serious damage.

Treatment went fine on Friday - had the Zometa and the Adrymiacin. We even made it back in time to pick up Madeline. Lots of driving though. Nice to share this with PJ once again, I've missed him terribly on so many levels lately. I don't want to go into this too much here, but PJ is very much in anger mode, and the rare times we have of laughter and good conversation I hold onto tightly these days. I don't know how to help him process this - I'm thinking his upcoming hunting trips and a chance to just get the hell outta dodge and all that this represents will do him some good - I'm so praying it does. I've run out of things to say, words of comfort, snippets of wisdom, I got nothin more up my sleeve folks. I just pray for him that he can get to a peaceful place so we can enjoy each other again - not that we don't know, but we don't as much as we have in the past, even since this began. I don't know how to fix it. I totally understand the anger thing to be honest, I can feel in the pit of my stomach my own need to go there sometimes. But I know that going to that place, for me, would be the most destructive thing I could do - for me, my health, my family. And it serves no greater purpose for me - my anger, believe it or not, turns quite quickly to hope. To peace. I get sad, I get scared, but I don't really get angry - not anymore. The more time I spend angry, sad, scared, pissed, pitiful - the more I'm missing the now - and that, unfortunately I think, is the thing that only having cancer can teach you. It kills me to watch my husband and others go through this - but there's not a damn thing I can do about it. Sucks. Just praying, doin that a lot.

We had Madeline's little pizza party at Peter Piper and it was really fun. Just big enough, had like 7 little friends running around with her and she did just great. She got a big girls bike for her birthday this year, and we took her riding on Sunday after church. Again, she is such a big girl. I can't believe my little 5 year old is riding a big girl bike. OH - then tonight PJ and I were busy in the kitchen getting dinner ready when we heard someone in the bathroom, making the 'going to the bathroom' sounds and we walked in to find Ginger going potty all by herself on the big potty. She just went in and went, all alone, all by herself. I can't believe this is happening so fast. I look at my kids, so full of wonder and life and humor and sass - and I am so proud. We made these kids! PJ and I made them! I sometimes just sit in awe of this - I am so very blessed to have the rockinest family ever - how did I get so lucky?

So I have surgery scheduled for Friday, and I have a pre-op appt tomorrow in Phx. My onc doesn't want me to have treatment for a couple weeks following this surgery to heal, therefore, she has ordered a CT scan for Wed - so we can see what this current medication is doing to me so we know what we're up against taking some time off. I think part of me was really looking forward to not knowing anything for awhile. Call me Queen of Denial, eh? But I totally understand the need to test - and I am blessed my onc keeps such close tabs on me. So on Wed I'll get my blood drawn to make sure my white blood cell count is on point for my surgery then have this CT scan. Am I nervous? Yea, I guess. I don't really know what to feel anymore, I've been on this recurrence roller coaster for 6 months now - not really sure how to feel. I wish I felt more hopeful, maybe I just am not as full of hope right NOW as I usually am, I am pretty tired tonight. That could be it. I know my faith has grown considerably the past month - I didn't think it could get any deeper, but it has. My relationship w/ JC just continues to grow and evolve, it is so amazing. It's like my brain keeps getting these different rays of light shone into it showing me all this new and interesting information. Pretty frickin cool. I have decided, and this is my own decision just because I want to - not because of anything that has happened, I have decided to get a second opinion. Don't get me wrong, I have the utmost confidence in the care I am getting right now - but as I continue to learn and wrap my brain around my diagnosis, it has lead me to want another set of eyes to look upon my case. When I was first diagnosed, I had called Cancer Treatment Centers of America, and they did not take my insurance. Well, something recently (and someone) put a little bug in my ear that I should check this out again, have them run my insurance again. When I was home sick on Monday, I was cleaning the kitchen and one of their commercials came on and I just thought what the hell - so I picked up the phone and called and they still had all the information from April last year - and they ran it through again, and now my insurance was approved. So, I'm going to pay them a visit and see what they have to say. I am so nervous about hurting my current onc feelings, I don't want this to send any sort of wrong message, I guess the corporate bitch in me is coming out now, knowing that it helps to have another set of eyes on a situation, different perspective can sometimes shed new light - sometimes not - you just never know. It feels like the right thing to do - I mean, this is my life we're talking about - we shop around for homes, cars, shit even clothes - why is this any different. (do I sound like I'm trying to justify this? probably, I just feel guilty, that's who I am, can't help it - damn it)

I wanted to share the 'call to worship' portion of this weekends service as it reminded me where to focus my attention when things start going awry. I love this:

We come together O God, asking that you create in each of us a kneeling place, where we may empty ourselves of self importance and become vulnerable to your word to us.

Help us set our faces firmly against friendly suggestions for safe and expedient lives, and toward the risk of discipleship. Loosen our grip on certainties that smother possibilities. (isn't that FABULOUS!) Forgive our resistance to change.

Let us pursue the adventure of losing our lives in order to find them in You. Guide us to follow the way of the cross where despair is transformed by the promise of new life and where we are compelled to intercede for those who have more pain in their lives than hope.

When we are too eager to be 'better than'...
When we are too rushed to care...
When we are too preoccupied to listen....
When we are too quick to act from motives other than compassion
transform us so we can live our lives in the light of your costly grace.

Isn't that just the bomb?

God Bless -