5 years ago today.......

I had Madeline. Well, it was yesterday actually. My baby turned 5 yesterday. I can't believe it. I also cannot believe our lives the past 5 years either - how much could we shove in here? In brief - we had our first baby, I changed jobs, I quit my job after 20 years in the insurance industry, we moved to AZ, PJ started a new job, then he took back his old job, we bought a house, we bought a car, we had another baby, I get stupid cancer. Wow. Time flies.

So, my last post was a little - well, passionate, let's use that word. I have treatment again tomorrow, and I'm going into this with somewhat of a different outlook. This past week has been good. I've done further processing. I was just thinking in the shower (which is where I do most of my thinking actually) and I know the 'cancer is back' conversation sucks and still kinda scares me, but what is equally as scary and frustrating is that the 'routine' we have created around this thing continually changing. It's so frickin frustrating. I want my life to be as normal as it can be around this thing - and as much as I don't want to 'identify' myself with this disease, the constant changing of regimen makes it difficult not to, if that makes sense. I don't know if it is better or worse to not look sick this time round - it can do some crazy shit to your brain this cancer thing. Sometimes I feel sick and although I don't look like I WANT to look, no one would know by looking at me what I was doing once a week, ya know? Me, hanging out at the chemo club tappin into a dose - who would know? Sometimes I want the world to know, as stupid as that sounds, sometimes I wish no one knew. Sometimes I just treat it like something scheduled in my day planner as something I have to do - sometimes the reality of what is happening to me settles into my soul and it takes my breath away.

My feet are continuing to peel. You should've seen the look on my nail lady's face when she recently gave me a pedicure - she looks at me with such pity and slight horror. I feel like saying "please, this is nothing - you should see my asshole!" Which reminds me - update - the constipation thing is working itself out (funny eh?). Still painful but going, and it's getting easier - I think my body is just acclimating itself to the drug, my new supplements, and no more percocet. (yay?)

I get my new implants next week - my surgery is scheduled for Friday and I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am to get these expanders out. I hope they will actually do the surgery as that is one bill I haven't gotten to yet - still owe them like $1200 - but, hopefully I can get them a little before next week. So hard to choose which of the pile of invoices is to come first - but, that is a separate blog for another time perhaps. It's amazing to see what we need to try to fit into our budget now - who knew co pays would have to be part of our monthly budget. Sucks. Anyway, I'm ecstatic about this surgery. Not that I have any idea what the new ones will feel like, I have no point of reference whatsoever, but they have GOT to be better than this. I will post some pics this weekend - so we have before and after shots - I would now, but I just showered and am all comfy in my Costco pajamas. I love Costco.

I lead my first MOPS meeting today and felt so at peace with it. I am so excited to be part of a group that puts moms first, and loves on them and their children. A place they can come to give them a break. I said the G word (God) and I don't think I scared too many away. I'm not a preachy kind of person, about this anyway, but do need to share with them what is on my heart. It would be dishonest of me not to. In any case, it went really well today I thought - I have the best leadership team on the planet - and I feel like we are up and running now. Amazing stuff going on there. Amazing. This is the only thing I have kept on my plate - this is outreach that I am meant to take part in.

PJ is going with me tomorrow, and I'm so ready. PJ and I need these times together, as crazy as it makes me for us both to be in Sedona when Madeline is in school, he and I need this. We are starting the Fat Smash again next week, since it incorporates everything everyone has been telling me to eat. It is what we need to do for us mentally, physically, emotionally. We both have committed to get back in shape, cancer or no cancer. It's just too important to our lives. Literally.

I tucked my girls in to bed tonight and had the most amazing moment with Ginger. She's 2 1/2 and she's in that phase where she doesn't really cuddle or love on me as much as I want her to - so when she does decide it's what she wants to do, I try to soak up that moment for everything it's worth. I'm kissing her good night, telling her that I want a 'No Binky Kiss' and she holds my face in her little hands and just stares into my eyes, little crooked smile behind her binky. Our faces were mere inches apart, and she just stayed there, locked into my eyes. It was amazing. Then she pulled my head into her and wrapped her little arms around my neck, hugging me. I forget to get in her space like this sometimes, to get down to where she is to really connect with her. We all just need to get down on the floor, down to their level more often and just connect.

God Bless