Did I mention I'm losing my hair again????????

Yea, isn't that just a precious nugget of loveliness? This started on Sat night, I noticed I ran my hand through my hair and pulled out a nice palm full of hair. I'm not sure what 'thinning' is, but this is 'losing' hair to me. I broke down Sat night, seems like I'm trying to improve in one area while another areas are just going to shit. I think this chemo has also effected my toenails, which have been a problem since the Xeloda - my big toenails seem to be lifting off the nail beds. Just my big toes - go figure. So there I sit on Sat night, trying to poop cuz that is still going on, applying peroxide to my toe watching my hair fall to the ground. My sweet, dear husband, catches me on the pot crying and tells me that everything is going to be alright, in the way only he can say to make it actually feel OK. He is amazing. Then Sunday, my husband rec'd an email from his boss basically saying that if he didn't dedicate more time to work and less time to 'taking family members to doctors' he would be fired effective Oct 1st. The ironic thing is, is PJ working so much has been at the crux of our arguments - if they were to see him, they would see that he is constantly, 24/7, working. It was like we both took a hit to the gut. We couldn't believe it. PJ is the type of person who is passionate about what he does, he is that employee that you love because he always goes the extra step, without being asked. It's what attracted me to him in the first place, we both share the same type of work ethic. This means we are also personally invested in our careers, which does have its downfall, but I feel the benefits of this type of work ethic clearly outweigh the negative. Therefore, this was frustrating and hurtful on many levels, to both of us. And, to be quite honest, frickin scary as hell. We live paycheck to paycheck, we don't have anymore savings to fall back on - all of that was spent when I was initially diagnosed last year. They were apparently upset at the time requested off for Cancer Treatment Centers of America, 3 days next week. I couldn't imagine attending this appointment without him. I know the Lord doesn't give you anymore than you can handle, but this is pushing it to its limit. If anyone is frustrated with how long this frickin disease has been going on w/ me - trust me - it's me and PJ. And because I am who I am, I can't help but feel responsible for this happening. The guilt of needing my husband by my side, does that make any sense at all? Much less his guilt of wanting to be there for me, and being the sole supporter of our family - I can't imagine how that feels. Needless to say, this past weekend has been a whirlwind. I ask for your prayers on this for us - please let PJ keep his job and somehow be able to be there for me next week. We responded to this email with compliance with everything except this upcoming appt - and we haven't heard anything from them. PJ and I can be 'worst case scenario' people sometimes, and part of us thinks since tomorrow is the 15th they'll just fire him tomorrow and be done with it. I couldn't imagine them treating him this way after all this time and dedication to this company, but something else I've learned in this life, and especially with this disease, nothing people do surprise me anymore. All we can do is speak from the heart, give 110% to everything we commit to, and trust in the Lord. Wow, that isn't always the easiest thing to do, funny how it works that way. Am I right to vent about this here? I have no idea, I just know it's all over me right now and I'm paranoid and worried and quite frankly, scared to death, so I had to get it out somewhere. I would appreciate your prayers and good vibes coming our way on this issue. We both need it.

Now, the unveiling of my girls was kind of uneventful. I mean, I breathed a huge sigh of relief to not be bound up like that, but they are, let's see, smaller, much smaller than my expanders were. I don't know what I was expecting - now that I think about it, I think I was so used to how the expanders looked, I was expecting a smaller version of that - but they are nothing like them at all. Not bad - VERY SQUISHY - yay! and much much more comfortable. I feel like that 90's song "I Touch Myself" because I can't stop feeling them - they are amazingly squishy and so much better than the others. Veronica says they are going to 'drop' which I thought was a very 'gonad' comment - but ok. It takes like 3 weeks, but they indeed, 'drop'. Interesting, eh? I'm not supposed to be wearing a bra or anything right now, so I feel a little 'exposed' so to speak. I've finally posted some pics below of what I look like now, so far so good, I'm actually really pleased and so much more comfortable. Still can't sleep in my bed yet, I"ll be another couple days in the recliner, but no worries.

I think right now I'm just fighting depression. I'm excited about my boobs, but just long enough for that to be swept away by my hair falling out, my toenails falling off, PJ possibly losing his job, and not knowing what Cancer Treatment Centers of America will have to say to us. I don't want to put all my proverbial eggs in their basket, but I feel myself slowly doing this. I hate being on this chemo, I hate that my ass is bleeding every time I poop, I hate that my hair is falling out AGAIN as I was just starting to kind of like it, I hate that my husband feels like he can't do anything right when in fact he does a whole lot right all the time, I hate that we may lose our sole source of income, I hate that the word 'cancer' is in my children's vocabulary - blah blah blah - just filled with a lot of hate & frustration today. I know, this is not healthy for me - trust me, I know. I need to give this all to Him I suppose, just pray it away cuz walking around with this is painful. Really painful.

Here's some pics - I'm posting before and after so you can see the difference between the expanders and the implants. I wish I could end on some positive note, some light comment or quick quib, but this is how I am feeling today and I just need to process through it. This just happens to be one of those times of 'when it rains it pours' I guess. Thanks as always for reading.

God Bless -