The Motherload of Cancer Centers

Well, what a whirlwind. First of all, sorry for such venting in my last post and shame on me for not just lightening up a bit. Sometimes all we need is a little space for some perspective. Am I still a little scared of what lies ahead, my Lord yes. Is there anything I can do about it? Well yes actually, I can pray and use the brains God gave me to figure out what our next step is supposed to be and that is exactly what we are doing. Mostly, we are trusting. Huge and hard but totally doable.


OK - so, had a wicked busy week which included but wasn't limited to Lunch w/ a Loved one at Madeline's school, trip to Phx for Dr Mo to check out my rack, MOPS meeting, Spaghetti dinner at Madeline's school, Madeline's soccer game - by yesterday afternoon I was thanking God my mom was up for the weekend so I could take a nap on the couch. I was exhausted - knowing I still had to gear up and get everything ready to be down here in Goodyear for the next three days. We check into Cancer Treatment Centers of America this evening and WOW - but I'll get to that in a moment, not to worry.

My appt with Dr. Mo went well, but wouldn't it just figure the left side had more scar tissue to deal with than the right side, so we need to try to stretch it out a bit. Here I am thinking at the beginning of this that at least they will both match at the end of this, when, alas, not happening. And the ironic thing is, the cancer was in the right side - the side that looks pretty good now. Oy.

Madeline's soccer game was the bomb - she is so frickin cute, I just can't stand it. And my mom and Britt watched Ginger while the three of us went to the Lincoln School Spaghetti Dinner Friday night, and we had the BEST time. I am so blessed, so very very blessed, to be the wife to my husband and the mommy to my girls. I know I say it like, a million times, but it is so the truth. This life I've been handed is so awesome.

That's kinda where my brain is starting to land now - in getting back to the moment and loving the moment. I feel like I've been stuck in my head for the past month or so - just, stuck. I haven't wanted to really talk to anyone except certain people, I don't want to explain things, I have no patience for stupid people (not that I had a lot before), and just basically wallowing in everything about me. Aren't we supposed to wake up in the mornings and ask ourselves 'what can I do today to make a difference to someone else?' I feel like such a shit - I've been wallowing in ME lately, and I need to just get over it. I know I am facing a serious situation, but even so, I have way more than a lot of people do, so I need to spend more time praising and giving back to others. Taking the focus off ME helps put ME in perspective when I get back to it, if that makes any sense at all.

PJ and I had a date night this week, where we were able to sit and chat over dinner w/ no interruptions which was actually quite lovely. We never received a response from his employer as to whether or not they were OK w/ him coming with me to CTCA, so for all we know he may very well lost his job for coming with me. But, we are as prepared as we ever are going to be for anything. I am so proud of my husband. He is probably just one of the best people I have ever known. He is a good man, a good friend, a good human being. He gives me perspective on things in a way I would never think of. We are a team, and whatever happens we will handle and face together.

My mother has done me the HUGEST favor. She is watching my kids for me, at my house, so PJ and I can be here, at CTCA. My mother is going through chemo herself too ya know - so this is the remarkable example of being a human I have had throughout my life. Talk about blessed.

So we arrive this evening and as we walk into the building, let me just write what is written on the wall, just as you enter through the main entrance:

You are passing under the Beam of Hope. This beam was signed by people who have been touched by cancer, just like you. They are patients, survivors and family members who made the journey you are now making and signed this beam as proof that hope is real. We will accompany you on this journey and will share your passion, acknowledge your courage and celebrate your tenacity of spirit. Cancer Treatment Centers of America is your home for healing and hope.

Wow. Are you frickin kidding me? This place is amazing. We feel like we have entered into another dimension - everyone here is so nice - and not 'fake nice' like, genuinely nice - from the heart, and I haven't even met my medical team yet. Cory, the security guard, gave us a tour of the place once we got settled in our room, where he explained they operate on 'mother' mentality. Everyone who comes here is treated as if they are your mother. (they are obviously assuming healthy mother relationships here) Anyhoo, I know I am here for a purpose, whatever that is. I was gathering all my paperwork together today before we left and I sort of 're-lived' it all as I went through the papers, reading old test results and remembering when this whole journey began. Now that I'm here, I know this is exactly where I'm supposed to be. My morning starts early tomorrow. I report to clinic at 7am where I will meet my whole team, so I best wrap this up here and head off to bed here. Plus, PJ needs to get some work done here so he needs the laptop.

My dear friend Pastor Mary leaves for Wisconsin tomorrow. We decided to go and listen to her preach for the last time this morning, what a privilege. Her sermon what about worry, and the little good this does us in our lives. She has made such a huge impact in my life, I will miss her so much. She spoke to me in so many ways on so many levels, it's hard for me imagine my life without her directly in it like she has been for the past couple of years. I am proud to call her my friend, and I will miss her. She was one of the people who told me to call CTCA again, because it had been on her heart. I am so excited for her new journey, and know that her new church home is so lucky to have her. Tonight my prayers are for her.

I will check in tomorrow to let you know what we have experienced here, I'm nervous and excited.

God Bless -