Buying a box of toenails.

Did you know you can do this? Did you know they actually sell fake stick on toenails? Shut the front door!!!!!!! So, I neglected to fill you in on the lovely side effect of the Xeloda I was on - the pill form of chemo that make my feet burn and peel and the palms of my hands peel? I actually have kind of lost my fingerprints, isn't that CRAZY!?! AND, I have always had sensitive big toes to begin with, well, the Xeloda just pushed it to an entirely different level, and it never really healed. (if that commercial where the cartoon fungus creature lifts up the cartoon toenail and starts scratching bothers you like it did me, then the content of this part of the post might too - you've been forewarned) My big toenails had lifted off the nail bed and they never reattached - so I had to go to a podiatrist to have them cut down. I mean, luckily they hadn't fallen off or anything and they are still attached at the base of the nail, but YUK! and OW! I have to say, I have never been to a podiatrist before in my life (this cancer continues to give me new experiences) and I had to bring Madeline w/ me because my appt was right after she got out of school on Thurs. This turned out to be a really great thing because when he went to cut and file and sandblast my toenail, the words that wanted to fly out of my mouth remained safely intact as I looked down at my 5 year old staring at me asking "does that hurt mom???" I didn't lie - I told her that yes, this didn't feel really great, but he was going to make moms toes all better, but wow, not what I wanted to say, not even close. So now I get to walk around with these two big bandaids on my toes - and yes, the podiatrist suggested I go and buy some fake toenails to stick on there so they look pretty while they are growing back out. Ginger and I poked our heads into Walgreens, my favorite store, and by God, there in the fake nail section, there they were at the bottom of the display wall, a box of fake toe nails. Hmmm. Who knew.

So this weekend was filled with normalcy, thank you Jesus. Love the normal family crap - just love it. I have to say that I have continued to battle with envy - it just lingers in my mind and seems to follow me everywhere. Envious of people I see on TV, of people I see driving around, of people I pass on the street, envious of the parents at Madeline's school - I'm just so envious of people who don't have to go through this - I know I saw it as sort of a blessing before, and I still do in a way, but my envy is taking over that way of thinking and I'm really frustrated with feeling this way. I know that my life is my life, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I have such blessings in my life, I am humbled by the thought of them. But I still get so sick, sick with envy when I think of what I have to go through, what fears I have to battle on a daily basis, what my family and everyone I love is going through, what my children know as normal, what my husband is going through - I just get so envious of those who don't have to do this. Young or Old - my envy has no boundaries as of late. I guess recognizing this is the beginning, and envy is on that list of the seven deadly sins - which is an interesting observation I made this morning while getting ready for church, which also helps me put a spin on this behavior of mine as well. I just don't want to feel like this - I want to be happy, I want to enjoy what I can every minute of every second of the day - and I want to continue to fight this thing with a spark in my eye and determination and peace in my heart. I am tired of being tired, and want to wake up and get moving, but some days my body just won't do it. Some days my mind just won't do it. Some days I just don't want to do it. So frustrating. Like I have a picture in my minds eye of how I want to be, and it is such a struggle lately to get there. Again, frustration level is huge on my part here. I have to be careful too because when I get like this, I tend to withdraw and just keep to myself, which allows my mind to wander quite a bit - and then conveniently use cancer as an excuse to withdraw. It's good one, not many people challenge me on this either I find, so it's an easy out. Dangerous. I'm working through this, slowly, but working.

I will get the news from CTCA tomorrow once they speak with the surgical oncologist to say for sure if I'm on board for this therashere procedure, so prayers and good vibes please!! I'm actually going to try to have a normal day tomorrow and get my fat ass to the gym. I won't be able to do any upper body stuff as my squishies are still healing (not fast enough for me) but I'll do some cardio and some leg and ass work. My chest is healing fine, the left side is way tighter as that scar tissue isn't breaking up as much as I would like - but it is still early and we'll see. It's still way better than the expanders, so I keep reminding myself of that. I'm back in bed and trying to sleep without the aid of medication, but that is still difficult. Last night I was all awake and antsy and mind wandering and I couldn't get comfortable to save my life - so I got up, took a couple pills and fell asleep. I've been real honest with my new medical team about this, and will switch to some melatonin to see if that will help once I'm past this initial healing stage. No one seems to be too concerned with this - so I won't be either.

Off with me now - going to relax on the couch with my hubby and watch some ridiculous reality show we've recorded. Sometimes that is the most relaxation ever - isn't that funny. My friend and I have started a 'Mom's Surviving Cancer' group which meets for the first time tomorrow night. We're going to get the word out and meet the last Monday of every month at my church - so we can all kabitz and vent and laugh and cry and pray or whatever - just be together, and let each other know they aren't alone. Gotta be some good in that - eh?

Have a great week - God Bless -