Whatever you do, don't stay at the ElDorado in Santa Fe, NM!!

Coming to you live and in person from the lobby of the El Dorado in Santa Fe, NM. I am here attending the Avatar course, and no, don't worry, I will not be brain washed or come back some sort of cult member. I read the Celestine Prophecy, I made it through The Forum, I think I'm well rounded and am excited to see what I can take home from this learning experience. Please, it's not time to bring out the wacky wagon just yet. (wacky wagon? what am I , 80?)



So here I sit, drive her yesterday only to find that they didn't have a reservation for me until today so I had to share a double bed with my oncologist last night. THAT was interesting. I was looking forward to getting to know her better through this, just not that soon and not that up close and personal. Seems I snore you see, and she had to wake me up to this fact a few times during the night. I was so embarrassed I tried to fall asleep with a pillow over my face. Despite what others may thing, it's kinda hard to breathe at all that way. Go figure. Showed up this morning and was told I couldn't check in till 1, yet here it is, 2:45pm and still no room available. Ya know how you feel when everything you find comforting is taken away? I've felt that way for the last 24 hours now, and I have to say, it's doable. Enjoyable? NO - but doable. I went sightseeing today and went to the Loretto Chapel where they have that mysterious spiral staircase with no nails? Absolutely beautiful. Stunning and breathtaking I would say. I've never been to New Mexico, so this adventure seeking part has been fun actually. Just not liking not having a place to land and nestle in - I am a nestler - I need to nestle. I am nestleless.



I'm also entertaining a friend of mine who is also here, her 12 year old daughter. Something else I hadn't really planned on. To be honest, I've run out of things to try to get her to talk about, and have stopped caring. Mean? Perhaps, but I didn't sign up for babysitting, nor did she sign up to be babysat - so I think we are tolerating each other.

I haven't introduced myself as a cancer patient to anyone yet. I'm sure that once the course starts tomorrow I will, because one of the main reasons I'm here is to see about dealing with my cancer from a psychological point of view, but part of me has felt in the last 24 hours that I've been hiding' it or something. I caught a glimpse of myself in a storefront window walking through downtown Santa Fe this morning, and I had a flashback of walking through NYC. I had the same gate I had there - it was comforting. Cancer didn't take that away from me. I know, it didn't take anything away (well, my boobs, my ovaries, hmmm) but I'm talking what's inside of me - I don't want it to take anything away from inside my soul. I want it, if anything, to add to my soul. Without fear. That's the trick.

I'm on my 'off' week now with my meds, and been feeling fine. I have been taking a percocet at night I will admit. To sleep. (maybe that's why I'm snoring so much?) I just need a little help shutting off my brain at night. It tends to wander in the quiet of lying there in the dark. Darn wanderer. Is this the answer? No, I know this, but it helps right now. And it's not making me constipated anymore, thank you Xeloda.

I had this image come to mind right after I was told about the results to my PET scan. I had this vision of Jesus, up in heaven, lookin all 'carpenter like' and in a cool way, not in a Brawny kind of way. He was motioning his hand to one side, as if to say 'this route dina, this route is the way we need to go - follow this route'. Meaning, this new medication was the route to go. Now, is this wishful thinking? Maybe. It wasn't a vision - it was an image that came to my mind, whatever that means. I find it comforting, and a message of sorts, and I'm holding onto it, tight.

When I went to Sedona on Wed for my calcium treatment, I spoke w/ my dr about these pills, if she was concerned it came back so quickly, and ya know, I just wish everyone who knows me, who reads this, who follows this story, I wish you all could just come into the examination room and experience one of these appointments. She is so wonderful, simply in the way she exchanges information with you. She gives me such comfort, that everything is going to be just fine, even though she never says those exact words. She is, again, an angel.

Pray for a room soon, I'm sure this Belgian chick behind the front desk is getting tired of me staring at her. I don't think her accent is real anyways. ;-)

God Bless -