Why did my brain keep THAT information?

Ya know, I've said many times before that when I went from being Ms. Corporate Beotch to stay at home mom, my mind just had to release some information to make room for new information. For example - my skill set of how to create users on a customer relationship management system had to leave my brain to make room for the words to the "I Love My Ball' song by Dora's monkey, Boots - (which, by the way, is hilarious - it is my current ringtone). So - you could imagine my astonishment when, on a whim, I grabbed my GoGo's Beauty and The Beat cd on the way out the door this morning for me to educate my girls on the way into preschool. I haven't heard this album in, what, 10 years? At least? I remember every - and I mean EVERY word to EVERY song on this album. How does this make sense? Hmmmm. This is what I pondered today.

Had to go to the beauty supply to try to figure out what product I need for this short, but quickly growing hair - I have no idea what I'm doing - I've never had this short of hair in my life, and now that it's looking 'intentional' as one of my friends put it (I love that) I need to figure out how to do it as it's growing. I walked down the aisle and sighed a bit as I passed the 'Mane and Tail' products. I think the last time I was in I purchased that product. Boo Hoo. Funny, it was way easier to just figure out which scarf I was going to wear - this sucks. But of course, in the best way possible. I love that this sucks. Just love it.

So my hubby is out of town, in NYC as a matter of fact on business, and I am here with my girls for the week. I'm so happy that I finally have the strength to do this, but there are times I feel my patience is being tested. I think that is totally normal. But something that I realized about myself, is solid proof to me of yet another way that cancer has changed me. I remember PJ and I talking about him going to NY prior to cancer, and I was adamant - and I mean adamant - about him not going unless I was going with him. Like I was owed this or something. I was really hot on this subject - not really sure why. Well that's not true, I think I was angry that we left, I wanted to go back, and I was still clinging to this corporate image that I thought I needed to identify myself with in order to make me feel important. Wow - have times changed. It was actually my idea for PJ to go on this trip - I told him I thought he needed to, professionally, and personally. Never did it even cross my mind to drum up all that BS I did before. It wasn't until recently actually that I remembered I even felt that way. Cancer has once again humbled me, made me grow up and own who I am inside. I don't think I've ever been more comfortable in my own soul as I am beginning to be now - this journey is far from over, this is just the beginning. Anyway, that was a big step I thought - so I thought I'd share.

I've been thinking a lot lately of my mortality - which again, is natural I'm sure - right? But I had to recall how I thought about this before cancer, and then try to tap back into that now - which is really difficult. I look at myself and think - wow - 40? Really? I'm 40? Then I think that maybe I only have like, 10 years left or so - then I think that I have way more than that - then I think 'why are you thinking about this? just be happy for today and be present!!' This continuous cycle - I'm hoping this upcoming trip to Santa Fe will help me delve further into this. Seems like it might.

On the point above, I need to share the following then I have to go and eat - having PJ out of town is strange, I don't remember to cook for myself - only my kids. Not necessarily a bad thing actually.

Knowing that your future is absolutely assured can free you to live abundantly today. I have prepared this day for you with the most tender concern and attention to detail. Instead of approaching the day as a blank new page that you need to fill up, try living it in a responsive mode; being on the lookout for all that I am doing. This sounds easy, but it requires a deep level of trust, based on the knowledge that My Way is Perfect.

I was supposed to go to the gym today, but elected to take Madeline to school then take Ginger to the mall and just let her play at the little kids area and watch her. It was lovely, coffee in hand. I am so blessed that I get to drive my kids around all morning and just be their mom. It is the absolute coolest. Thank you God.

God Bless