My Boobs Broke Your Glasses

How embarrassing. I was hugging one of my previous classmates this morning after first hour WOW and I indeed popped her lens right out of her glasses. I was wearing the 'big guns' today - not the foamy falsies. Funny thing is, I didn't feel a thing (obviously) just saw the damage I had caused when we released from the embrace. What do you say? I'm not sure what the correct thing would have been, but what came out of my mouth was 'Oh My God! I'm sorry! My boobs just broke your glasses!" Good thing she knew my story or this would have caused much confusion I'm sure. Such is my life now. Oy.

Wanna hear something weird? I miss having my period. I see these commercials for feminine products and I just get sad. And it's not like not having your period because you're pregnant - that is totally different. That was like a well deserved break for a time - this, just feels like I'm not in the 'club' anymore. Having your period was a consistent reminder that you're a woman. Something I would bitch about as much as the next person when it came around each month, but now that it's gone, I feel like the outsider looking into every other woman's, well, womanhood. I don't think of it much independently really, in fact, it really only crosses my mind when I see an ad in a magazine or commercial on tv - but when I do, I see them and my mind holds on and wanders for a bit. Something else that was taken from me without any time to really mentally prepare for it. Sucks.

I'm super tired this evening. I asked my husband if he thought it was normal for me to be so tired in the evenings and he reminded me of how busy I am - what an incredible validation from my husband. This was monumental to me - for my husband to not miss a beat and recognize all that I try to accomplish for my family. Although I'm not doing this for the accolades (thank you Michelle from my WOW class, what a gift you are!)it still helps for him to give me props for this. Cuz seriously, this is indeed the hardest job I've ever had in my life. I wonder sometimes if I would have had the opportunity to have all the enlightenment I've had through this process if I were still working my corporate job - then I think - well, you're NOT working that corporate job, so who the hell cares? Right? I am blessed to be in the position I am in, and have been in since we moved here, to have had the opportunity to experience spirituality of great proportion. It is how it was supposed to be.

Alright, must sleep. Perhaps Madeline will once again sneak into my bed at 4 in the morning, strategically place various stuffed animals beside PJ and myself, and then nestle in behind me and - no lie here - spoon me. Her little arm around my waist and then whispers to me 'I love you mom' - my little angel.

God Bless -

We're Riding on The Escalater Of Life

While I was on the elliptical this morning, I was reminded of just how therapeutic music can be. I was brought back to so many awesome memories as I hadn't heard my workout playlist for probably just over a year. Before I was diagnosed, I wasn't real good about my exercise regime - not like I was in NY - not even close. So now that I think I've truly committed back to that regime, I have rediscovered my playlist, and that is just the BEST - isn't it? Madonna's song JUMP is probably one of the most memorable to me - it brought me to tears the other day. I remember listening to that song in NY, and the strength it brought me to move back to AZ - which was not an easy thing to do at the time. Funny, it is still a song that brings me strength, but in a completely different way. Most songs have the same impact on me, but in different ways now. How awesome that they can do that - I never thought of it that way to be honest. If I heard a song that appealed to me in one way, that was the way it was in my mind. Now, the same songs mean completely different things, in the same powerful manner. On a lighter note, of course no workout playlist would be complete without the proverbial Kelly Clarkson "Miss Independent" - oh yea. I envisioned myself singing at the top of my lungs and people just stopping everywhere around me staring at me. Hysterical. And, I need to plug the BEST bands in NYC too, Bananafish Zero and Early Edison. Tom Ashton, let me just tell you that Demographically Pleasin still rocks my elliptical world. Thank you! My girlfriends who have witnessed me have deemed me 'in the zone'. So be it.

Speaking of people staring, I work out w/o my boobs on. I don't want them to get all sweaty and stinky - major ew, right? And - I am a sweater - not in an 'article of clothing' kind of way, in a 'one who sweats' kind of way. I do wear a t-shirt then a sweatshirt over that, just to hide the fact that I don't have anything going on in the chest area. Anyway, so today I also wore a bandanna to keep the sweat from going into my ear then plugging up my ear bud - blah blah blah. You get the picture. So, I didn't look particularly 'feminine' today. I swear I thought people were staring at me trying to figure out if I was a woman or a man. It made me just stop and think - about how understated my feeling like a woman was tied to me having breasts. I mean, I am feeling insecurities now at times that astound me. Before, I wouldn't have given a shit if people were staring or not, but now, I find myself a little paranoid. Then I have these completely unrealistic types of insecurities - like, I'm watching the figure skaters this week (how amazing was Kim Yu-Na?) and they wear these elaborate and revealing outfits - I found myself thinking 'well, I could never be an ice skater and wear those outfits - I don't have my breasts anymore'. What??? I never, in my entire life, wanted to be an ice skater. But now that the choice has been taken from me I guess, now I'm pissed. Same thing happens when I see a movie with a naked woman in it - anything like that. I feel like I'm counted out of certain things now because of what has happened to me. And it sets me apart from everyone else. And that makes me sad, and pissed, and regretful at times.

I have my last WOW tomorrow, and my niece is coming with me which I'm excited to share this with her, and her with everyone there. I'll get a month off before the next session starts up again, which will be nice actually. One more morning at the gym for the month of March. I'm really starting to feel stronger and stronger. I was supposed to have my dr appt this week for him to check out my healing then schedule my surgery, but he went to Haiti to help so I'll see him next week. What an awesome dr to give of his talents and time. I am thinking of scheduling it for April 8th. I'll be back from Santa Fe by then. I'm slowly wrapping my brain around this final phase of surgeries. To be honest, I think it should have been done like this from the very beginning. Looking back now, I would have preferred it like this initially. I thought it would be good to have boobs again right way, or the essence of them - but to be honest, I was fighting this disease for 6 months, then the surgery should have been just the mastectomy. End of cancer story (for me anyway). Heal. THEN - reconstruction next. Not only time for my body to heal physically from everything but also for my mind to have time to shift to the next phase. This healing time has been extremely beneficial to me on so many levels. I'm not at the 'I can't wait!' point yet, but I'm getting there. I'm still just happy to have energy back and the fact that I'm able to do most of what I used to be able to do way back when. An adjusted version of it, but all the same things nonetheless.

It's late and I'm doing laundry and still have to read my lesson for tomorrows class so I best get going. I wanted to share something my beautiful brother in law sent me this evening. I have to say, I am so blessed to have married a man with such a loving brother. BOTH of these men, my husband and his brother, didn't have a really good 'example' of what love is or should be where women were concerned - yet, they both have the most tender and loving hearts. I'm not sure if it was possible for them to learn this trait - I think they were both blessedly born with it. I am so touched he thought of me - here's what he sent me:

God has wisely kept us in the dark concerning future events and reserved for himself the knowledge of them, that he may train us up in a dependence upon himself and a continued readiness for every event. -- Matthew Henry

God Bless -

Let It Snow Let It Snow Let It Snow

I love the snow. Today's was absolutely beautiful here - driving Madeline to school in the snow storm - awesome. My niece is staying with us this week as well, while my mom is in Vegas having a fabulous time I'm sure, so she got quite a scene herself driving through the snow with us today. My niece is a cancer patient herself, brain cancer diagnosed when she was 2 - she is 22 now. God is so good.

In my Stephen Minister class today I realized just how much self-reflection is happening for me during this experience. Here I am thinking it is going to teach me how to handle people in crisis, which it is, but it is also extremely self revealing, humbling, sometimes embarrassing to learn new facets of your own personality - see it actually in black and white, own it and begin to face it. When you are learning to be a good caregiver, you need to face some issues in your own personality. I continue to thank God for this insight - it is absolutely incredible.

I have been having some pain today on my left side. Around where my drain was, but a dull pain just the same. I am hoping this is just the continued healing - which continues to go well. I am beginning to realize why people don't go through with the reconstruction - the healing has been amazing and I've been able to operate (and sleep) like a normal person for the past month and 1/2 - very tempting. Madeline asked me the other day while I was getting changed, "Mommy, why did the doctor take your boobies off?" I told her that I had cancer in them and they needed to be taken off, but I'll be getting some other boobies soon. I want to keep it simple, but don't' want to confuse her either. I think she gets it. I know she gets it. She continues to see just me, and it is so inspiring. Part of me gets so upset that she even has to ask me such a question, that she even has to know about this at all. On the other hand, I know it is teaching her something - something about people, and what makes them people. I'm so glad we didn't hide this from her - it wasn't even discussed between PJ and I to do that, it just was.

I get so tired by the end of the day. Is this normal? Is this me healing? Is this just the way I am now? I don't know. I am doing a lot of stuff I guess, but I think I remember having more energy before. I am falling asleep right now as I type. So frustrating.

Praying tonight for quiet, a house full of peaceful sleeping people who will sleep through the night. (please Ginger!) It fills my heart to have my niece staying with us. She and I played cards tonight and had a great time. She too has so much to teach me, I think this experience has made me ready to see it, if that makes sense.

Off to bed now, Madeline has a dentist appt wicked early in the am. Sorry if this post has been a ramble of sorts - I seem to be a bit out of sorts this evening.

God Bless -

And the 'Perspective' Just keeps on comin......

This weekend was just plumb full of perspective. Let's start with Thurs evening, when I was supposed to post before the weekend but found myself ready to do so at 12:30 am and unfortunately my eyelids won the battle. This past week was one of such overwhelming capacity for me - well, let's just say I think this is the first time I've felt this way about just life in general since my diagnosis. Our routine was thrown this week to boot, so that always puts us off kilter a bit as well. Madeline and I went to 2 open houses, had my Stevens minister class, went out with a friend of mine, had WOW and MOPS, finally got a rather large package organized and off to the IRS (another blog entirely, trust me), then, the letter came. AAAhhhhh, the letter. Do you ever find yourself at a point of mental exhaustion where you don't think you can take anymore, but then the Lord heaps on just one huge scoop of "here ya go Dina!" and you just start crying? That is what happened Thurs night when I opened the mail.

Before I start explaining this, let me say that this whole scenario has brought upon another dose of perspective for me - so hear me out till the end, cuz that's where the real message is here for me, I know it. Way back when, like, right when we lined up my treatment schedule, PJ and I had decided we needed to purchase another vehicle. I had cashed out what was left in my IRA because we had NOTHING so we were actually going to buy my brother in law's mothers car - because we couldn't afford the gas in the Explorer to Sedona and back once a week for potentially 12 months at least (at the time). I remember stating that "Well this sucks, I can't really afford to have cancer!" So this purchase (the car someone had scratched the words 'F*CK YOU' into, remember?) was ready to go, when we receive an excited voicemail during church one Sunday to call PJ's aunt and uncle in CA. They, knowing what we were trying to accomplish, graciously extended PJ's grandmothers vehicle to us instead. We were overwhelmed. We offered them $$, but none would be taken. The title was signed over to us, and one of PJ's loving friends offered to drive to Sierra Vista - YES - Sierra Vista! - pick up this car for us and drive it back to us. This was so obviously GOD working - it was amazing. I felt like I couldn't thank everyone enough - this whole clan of relatives bound together and made this happen for us - it was amazing.

Now, flash forward to Thursday - we receive a letter from PJ's grandmother saying that she wants the car back now to give to another grandson because that was the person she originally promised the vehicle to. I have to say, this - this was the huge scoop. PJ and I just looked and each other and to be quite honest, we both had very different reactions to this. I cried - looked at PJ and his initial reaction was anger and defensive "ya know, we'll just give it back then, we don't need anyone's help, we never should have accepted it in the first place - we're just fine on our own". Which of course, made me cry even more, but I've already explained I cry a lot these days anyway. No ovaries - BAH! Anyhow, I digress - after much thought, tears, shock and sheer confusion - I guess I just wish we would have known this was a loan from the get go. I remember not wanting a loan, that's why we were going to purchase a car, because who wants to loan a car to someone for a year? Maybe we didn't express that clearly enough, I'm not sure. Problem is, we've got at least 6 months of weekly trips to Phx coming up for my reconstruction surgery - in addition to my monthly trips to Sedona for my calcium treatments. I guess now we're going to have to try to save up some $$ for a down payment to purchase another vehicle before we have to get this one back to grandma. Now, here comes the perspective part:

Isn't it funny?? We go along with our lives, and we think, and we forecast, and we plan, and we strategize - but something always just finds its way in there to place the proverbial fork in the road - something that makes you look at your life and totally evaluate what you are valuing and what you have lost your perspective on. This, was one of those moments to me. Sure, part of me says "Can we just get a break for a moment!!! Seriously!!!! This was something I didn't think I had to worry about anymore." And isn't that true?? Do you do this? Once you have a problem that is solved, we just push it aside and make room for others - and don't look back. I think that's what we are supposed to do though - don't you? I mean, my brain used to be filled with really important shit - client calls, insurance limits, rules and regulations, profit margins, renewal retention goals, system administration, etc. Now it's full of a differnt kind of important shit - which pants are clean/dirty, Madeline is tired of goldfish, Ginger only wants her milk in the morning, PJ loves it when I surprise him in the am with 2 eggs on a waffle with butter & syrup, reciting the ingredients for the best meatloaf in 20 seconds, theme song for Pinky Dinky Doo, Fresh Beat Band needs to be recorded, etc. We just can't hold onto all this worry, even though it may creep up again, and be a worry all over again. We need to just embrace the now, and handle each day and what it brings. This week, just seemed to bring a whole bunch all at once.

I was privileged enough to meet Nancy's brother this weekend and his lovely wife. They recently lost a daughter, just a little older than me actually, to cancer last year. I have never felt more connected to someone as instantly as I did Martha, Nancy's sister in law. It was an amazing visit. I can't even begin to imagine what I could possibly represent to her, but she embraced me immediately and we chatted and laughed and hugged on each other as if we'd known each other forever. Really amazing.

On the physical side, and I don't think I've discussed this at all on my posts, not the the level in which I have been feeling them, because, well, I think I just have gotten used to it. It all kinda hit me this weekend, how different I feel now, physically, than I did before all of this started. This isn't a pity party either, just a rude awakening for me - and please don't read this as if I'm ungrateful for this life I've been given, I praise God everyday, many times, for all that I have been given. I just never realized how drastically different the 'package of Dina' had become. Anyone with children, small children, knows how much you are getting up and down off the floor. There is not a moment that goes by now, that his doesn't cause me some form of discomfort. My body just aches. I need Advil each morning, to get moving, then again in the afternoon, then again in the evening. I realized today actually, that I wasn't just taking the percocet for the sciatic pain, it was for the joint pain as well (done with that stupid choice now, thank you GOD). My feet, my knees, my hips - all ache like I can't explain if I have been sitting for any amount of time. I need to physically make myself bend my fingers in the morning, they are stiff as a board when I wake up and ouch, it hurts. Luckily it's only for a couple of seconds - once I start moving them around it goes away - same with my ankles. Getting up and down off the floor takes some time for me now, and I guess I'm just used to it. I forgot I suppose, that all of these things didn't even exist before. Bummer. I am going to try some 'Joint Juice' and see if that can bring me any sort of relief. Something else to frickin buy now - great. This must be how arthritis feels - and how mentally frustrating it is to WANT to do something, but can't - or at least not nearly as well as you used to.

Alright, I've ranted enough tonight. Had a lot on my mind apparently. I do know that God will guide me in all that I do, if I remember to turn to Him, listen, and let Him lead. It's when I try to lead - that's when it all gets screwed up. I listen, go with my gut, and move forward. I thank Him for the now, every time I look in my husbands eyes, my children's faces, and look forward to him moving me to the next 'perspective' moment.

God Bless -

Some Vino - Would be Keeno

That is one of the best lines from one of the best movies of all time. Bachelor Party with Tom Hanks. Now, if you have seen it you are probably saying "Oh Yea! That movie was great!!! Because you most likely saw it when it came out in 1984 - however, if you are thinking "hey, I've never seen that movie, maybe I'll put that in my Netflix cue" - don't do this. It is one of those movies you needed to see and appreciate when it came out - if you see it now for the first time it just comes off at super stupid. Sorry.

Anyhow, I got to go out with a girlfriend of mine tonight and sit and have a glass of wine (or two!) and kibitz. It was AWESOME!!! I didn't go until the kids were in bed so I didn't feel completely guilty, and my hubby handled all of the "i need a drink of water!" requests for the evening - God bless him. I needed this so badly as I have been meaning to hook up with this friend for some time now, it's just so hard to carve out this kind of time. We did it though, and had an awesome time. How blessed I am to have such wonderful girlfriends. The threadline of motherhood, that is for sure. We would go completely insane if we didn't have each other, eh?

WOW session today went great. We sang this song in first hour that had they lyrics "You Move Me" and it of course was talking about God. But not in the sense of being 'emotionally moved' by Him - but being physically moved by Him through this life. I identified with it almost immediately, and it is rare I feel this with the music of first hour, or any kind of religious music of any kind really. I've really only taken to a handful of inspirational music like this, and this song spoke to me this morning. Made me cry. But then again, I can cry at just about any time lately - in any circumstance. This would be the perfect time for me to audition for that dramatic role I've always wanted - I would totally nail it.

I'm feeling good, my girls were great today, and I really can't complain about anything today. One interesting thing I've been experiencing that I've been meaning o write about it my hair regrowth. This is very strange. It's almost like my second coat is coming in. Isn't that funny? Like, when I was done w/ all my chemo, my hair started coming in - and in full force. But it was like, pushing my scraggly chemo hair out of the way. Like, power hair or something. Now, all that hair is kinda falling out (I'm speaking mostly of my eyelashes here - the hair on my head is out of control YEA!!) my new hair is coming in. So my eyelashes went from wicked long to now kinda stubbly again. A 'new coat' of eyelashes. Weird eh? Still no feeling under my right arm pit which I think I'm just getting used to, and I'm digging my short hair. It's fun to style actually. I'm going to be going blond right before my surgery - which I am very excited about. I look at all these photos of me before cancer with this long auburn hair, and I just am not that person anymore. I want to grow my hair out again, but I don't want to try to look like I did - because, well, I can't, and also, because I'm not. Does that make sense? Just need a change is all. I'll post some pics here soon.

Need to get some sleep - MOPS meeting in the am and this will be night #2 with no sleep aids or pain meds. Last night went fine - thank God.

God Bless -

To Poop or Not to Poop - That is the Question.

My sweet Ginger was up all night pretty much last night. She was horribly constipated and after I got home from class (which was frickin AMAZING) last night around 9:30, fixed a late dinner for PJ and I it was almost 11 - in bed at midnight - Ginger started fussing around 12:30 - then 1:30 - then up at 3 till just around 5 - then up again at 6:30. Needless to say, I am a bit tired this evening. We tried a suppository in the middle of the night, and it didn't work. Not till this afternoon after PJ went to the store and got prune juice (the ol stand by) did she finally get some relief. I felt so bad for her. She's the kind of baby that really just wants to be in her bed and sleep - I could tell she was as annoyed at this whole thing as much as I was.

In retrospect, I have to say I adore being her mom. I adore being a mom in general - and as much as I wanted to sleep (wrong night to take a sleep aid I guess) I was so grateful to be her mommy, to console her, to lay with her on the couch and feel her warmth against my chest - and smell her - I felt so blessed to be her mommy. And all she wanted was me to hold her. I can't even begin to explain how awesome that is. The comfort brought to your child just by holding them close. I was so aware of how close we were at that very moment, that this phase of motherhood is just so precious. I may sound completely mushy here, and that may very well be a side effect to the exhaustion I feel right now, but it's true.

Madeline and I spent the evening together tonight which was equally as cool. We visited another potential grade school and this experience was way better than the one we had last week. It was fun. Then we ran to the mall and had some dinner together (enjoyed a slice of pizza together) then ran to the drugstore and shared skittles on the way home. She is a pretty good hang. We sang songs in the car and made up knock knock jokes that didn't make sense but laughed anyway. I was reassured tonight, by just spending this time with her, how ready she is for this next step. She is going to be an awesome little student. I'm already so proud of her. We visit the last on our list of schools on Thurs evening - then we will just have to pick and wait and see what happens. We're 'out of district' you see, so we get picked last. I'm truly going with my gut, covering my bases, and putting this is God's hands. He will put her where He thinks she needs to be, and I need to trust that. I'm going to register her in a couple different schools, and have my favorite, but we'll see.

I have got to find some relief for this sciatic nerve thing - the back of my right leg is in pretty much constant pain as of late. Exercise is helping, but at night is when it really gets bad. The bowenworks is just not cutting it - and I need to get some other sort of treatment. I've been taking percocet WAY too much (one at night but every night when I go to sleep which is just wrong) and it's also making me horribly constipated. (I felt Ginger's pain, literally, today - guess we're connected in that fashion as well - oh joy). I know yoga has been recommended, but it's hard for me to find a class that coincides with my schedule w/ my kids. Hard to find a class period up here - not a lot of options. I miss the Bikram Yoga in NYC - so awesome. Not for everyone, but I thought it was awesome.

I'm going to try to not take a pill before bed tonight, and see how I do. I suppose Advil PM would work as well - we'll see.

Falling asleep - must crash. WOW tomorrow, and everyone's bowels seem to be in order. Life is good.

God Bless -

The Best Valentine's Present Ever!!!

So my hubby gave me the best present ever today - a 2 hour uninterrupted nap! Ahhhhh - awesome.

We had a great time out for our anniversary on Fri - we had a lovely and fattening dinner at The Olive Garden - then I wanted to check out the casino since I had never been. I'm not really a gambler at all - I really just wanted to get a cocktail and sit and watch people. Well - we walked into this casino, Bucky's (aptly named) and I don't know what I thought I was walking into. Now, I have limited casino experience - I've been to Vegas - that's really about it. So in the back of my mind, that is kind of what I was expecting. I'm smart enough to not expect the Belagio, but I guess I had the MGM in the back of my head - that kind of 'casino' atmosphere. People - I was sorely mistaken. We walk into this 'area' - I'll call it an 'area' - lit with florescent lighting (how flattering) and this stench of cigarette smoke hits us like a brick wall. I used to smoke, for a long, long time - so I have the right to bitch about this - it was revolting. Then, sorry to say, the clientele made me hold onto my purse just a little bit tighter. And I lived in NYC for 10 years. I told PJ that this was not the MGM in Vegas, this was more like the airport in Vegas. We walked up to the cigarette machine to see how much a pack was going for nowadays for old times sake - the promptly left. If I sound like a snob explaining this, then so be it. It was disgusting.

We decided then to try this wine bar that opened recently closer to our house, and on our way I called the babysitter to see how everything was progressing. Unfortunately, she didn't answer the phone, her cell phone, or me texting her - so I promptly freaked out and we ended up going home. I think sometimes we subconsciously build things up in our head, there is just no way it could ever really be what we thought it was going to be. We had a nice dinner, the evening was just cut way shorter than we expected. Everything was fine btw - babysitter fell asleep in Madeline's bed w/ her and was sleeping so sound she didn't hear either phone. Hmm.

My girls are awesome - and they had way too much candy and cookies today - but that's what today is supposed to be, at least to me it is. They are just the best.

In my studying for my Stephens Ministry Class was have been talking about assertiveness. It's really ironic because that is kind of what I got out of the message from this mornings church service. Not being afraid to tell your story, walk the walk and talk the talk so to speak. In an exercise I did in some of my homework, it spells out these scenarios and then gives you choices of how you would typically respond in the scenarios. I consider myself a pretty assertive person, but I realized, I'm not like this in every scenario. How can I be open and not afraid to express my opinion in a group setting, but still cower when I go to return something to the store? Isn't that strange? Why is it I am able to debate with the best of them on political or justice issues, but allow myself to feel pressured into buying some stupid magazine subscription by a door to door salesman? (the fact if that was actually legitimate is still up in the air actually). I am going to start working on this, something else this portion of the class encourages you to do. And as a reminder: it's assertive, not aggressive - there's a BIG difference. I am loving this class - not only am I learning a skill set to hep people as a Stephens Minister - these are LIFE skills. Wicked cool.

I am feeling more centered and focused tonight than I've felt in a long time. The fear is way easier to control now that I talked it through with PJ - amazing how that can eat at you and eat at you - but if you just let it out, it releases so much, and gives you such a perspective that you alone can't come up with! We need each other - I need to remember that. We need each other to comfort one another, to care for one another, to love one another. Hokey sounding perhaps, but so true. Just by me coming clean with weeks of fears to someone I trust, has done wonders for my psyche. This is something I used to do weekly in my prayer circle. The benefit of that continues to surface the longer it's been since the last one. Cool thing is, they've started a weekly prayer circle at the normal time mine was for anyone who feels they need prayer. Pretty frickin cool, eh? Hey - it works. He kinda knew what he was talking about on the whole prayer issue.

Well, off to bed - holiday tomorrow, and once again, my fabulous hubby is watching the girls in the am so I can go to the gym by MYSELF!!! It will feel very strange, but cool at the same time.

God Bless -

Fear rears it's ugly head

Today was busy - and I was seriously wondering if I had the stomach flu today. Luckily, I felt much better by this afternoon, but I was not feelin it at all this morning. The girls were great, although I felt awful sending Ginger to 2 different day care facilities today - the one at the Y then at the church while I attended a meeting. I felt so bad. Needless to say she was very clingy with me today, which I didn't mind at all. She is the type of child that kisses everything. She has the biggest heart already. I'm so loving watching my girls turn into these little people. They are most awesome. I'm so lucky to have been chosen to be their mom.

Went to an open house at one of the elementary schools we're considering for Madeline tonight only to find it had been cancelled. So Madeline and I went and picked out Valentine candy for her class, then picked up some flowers for a friend of mine and went to visit her in the hospital. She just had some surgery that went great, and they actually released her just after we got there. I forget sometimes how awesome it is to just hang with Madeline. She is so fun. Even though she is listening to Kidzbop - ugh.

PJ and I ended up having dinner together this evening just after the kids went to bed, and that rarely happens. We began to reminisce a bit about what we were doing 5 years ago tonight - we were actually stuck in an airport heading to Vegas from NY and had this horrendous layover in Cincinnati. I was 8 weeks pregnant and determined to download a Flavor Flav ringtone. We laughed. Then I shared with him some of the fears I've been having lately - the fear that this stupid cancer will come back and kill me. I feel like I conquered this once before, and yet here it is again. And I know - live in the present and soak in each moment - I know - I've said these things a million times, and meant them - but sometimes, it just sounds like something you say to people who are dying. And I'm not dying - I don't believe that I am - but lately I just feel like there's this big 'YET' sitting in the middle of the room. Does that make sense? Is this normal? Then I think if I keep on having these thoughts they might just come true - our minds are very powerful things - and I don't want to be thinking these things - I really don't. Pray Dina - pray pray pray. It's so hard. My good friend Martha warned me about this - these 'minds catching up with what's happened' moments. I'm not liking this one. I don't know why I haven't written about it here - I've been having these thoughts for weeks now. Maybe I was afraid to. I don't know. My husband was very understanding, and let me talk. He always has the most comforting words to give me, wrapped in logic - which is so soothing, it's hard to explain. He speaks like he's had a peek into the future - like he knows. He is most comforting. I love him so much. We're going to dinner tomorrow night - just the two of us - using a $25 gift card to The Olive Garden my mom gave me (thanks mom!!!). We're pretty excited - to get to start and finish a conversation with no interruptions - don't really care where that occurs. I know I am blessed to have these 5 years with PJ - but I want 40 more. I want to be his wife, and my kids mother - for as long as I possibly can. That's all. I know, pray.

So Happy Valentine's Day for everyone this weekend. Madeline's little party is at school tomorrow and we put her little Valentines together for her classmates this evening. Well, I did actually. She doesn't really get it yet - but I absolutely love this stuff. I'm one of those moms - and I love it.

Considering my couple weeks of random dark thoughts (please don't think I was thinking this stuff 24/7 - just had moments each day where I would dwell for a spell) it is only appropriate that the Lord speaks to me this evening in the following passage:

My Peace is like a shaft of golden Light shining on you continuously. During days of bright sunshine, it may blend in with your surroundings. On darker days, My Peace stands out in sharp contrast to your circumstances. See times of darkness as opportunities for My Light to shine in transcendent splendor. I am training you to practice Peace that overpowers darkness. Collaborate with Me in this training. Do not grow weary and lose heart.

Practice makes perfect - God Bless -

Mom! My butt just threw up!

Madeline ran out of the bathroom this afternoon yelling this. Too funny. (no worries, the medication she is on causes some diarrhea - no problem here) This reminded PJ and I both of the first time it snowed when we moved here and she said "it's raining snow!". She is so awesome.

This week has been so strange already - and it's only Wed. We get so used to our little routines, don't we? Mine has just been thrown for a loop this week. Took Ginger to the dr this evening because she was pulling at her ear this morning and I went into a panic. I was afraid an ear infection may bring on a high temp, then another seizure. Luckily, she's fine. Just a cold and there's nothing we can do for that. Madeline is doing better, went to school today and even though her cough is wicked scary, she is actually doing fine. Try convincing everyone else that though. I was one of those parents too - but now that I get it, I'm one of the cool parents that totally gets it now. Thank GOD.

Speaking of God - had a great WOW session today. I feel like I almost got permission to do something HUGE today in first hour. Robyn was speaking about conquering your fears, and was relating it to the David and Goliath story. Today, amongst the many awesome things she shared, she shared something so simple, I almost didn't even notice she said it. She was talking about once you have conquered your fear, to let it go - and move on. I never even knew this was even an option. Obviously my fear was that this cancer would kill me. And I did conquer that, with God's guidance, quite a few times actually. It never occurred to me I could let go of that and just live my life. This will take some practice - but I did feel I was given permission to not lug this thing around with me, this 'cancer guilt pack' I have on my back. I've started taking this pack off and am slowly putting it down on the ground. A process indeed, but what a concept to me. Amazing.

PJ is going to be going back to NY for about 6 days next month. I do wish I could go with him (if only to get some decent FOOD for shits sake!) but I'm so happy he gets to go and see his coworkers face to face - for the first time many of them. It is certainly hard to manage people you've never met before. I think he needs a break too - I mean, my awesome husband. He's been tending to me and playing bread winner and the greater part of mom AND dad for the past 9 months nonstop. He deserves a little 'him' time I think. Then I will be going to a course recommended to me by my oncologist at the end of March for 9 days. She will actually be going with me. I'm wicked excited about this too. It will be good for us to get some time away and stretch those muscles a bit. I am nervous about being away from my girls that long - I've never been away from them that long before, ever. In fact, I haven't gone anywhere since we moved here - almost 3 years ago. Wow. Time to stretch Dina - time to stretch.

PJ and I are celebrating our 5 year wedding anniversary this Friday - and I can't believe it's been 5 years. I can't believe all that has happened in 5 years of our marriage. From 1st child, to moving, to second child, to cancer - it seems like we've been together forever. Not in a bad way, in a way where I really don't remember what life was like before PJ. It's almost like my life began the moment I met him - as corny as that sounds. I am so blessed to have found him. I remember a moment in NY, I was alone in my apartment and had just left a friend of mine in a local pub who was about to make a HUGE mistake with a guy that we knew, and I was crying. I cried in my room for quite awhile. I realized that I had outgrown my NYC lifestyle, and knew it was not the lifestyle for me any longer, but didn't know what was - which in turn, left me very lonely. I was speaking to myself which I have always done a lot of (in retrospect, I was speaking with God) and described the man I knew I wanted to end up with in this life. The man was good looking, what I considered good looking, he was funny (HAD to be funny), was a computer geek but not in a geeky way, was confident in himself and didn't need me to 'build him up' or anything, self driven, appreciated the arts but had nothing to do with them performance wise, and was kind. I knew this was the person I wanted, and I vocalized it - this was in the summer of 2002. I knew that this was the person I wanted, and if I didn't meet him, I was perfectly content to live the rest of my life my myself. I met PJ the fall of 2002. He is exactly, and I mean exactly what I described. In fact, he is so much more than that. He is my true soul mate, and there isn't a day that goes by, literally, that I don't thank God for the gift I have been given. This person who has chosen to walk through life with me. In the most literal sense of the walk as well. I know he didn't know what he was in for when he married me, I mean, I think he THOUGHT he did, but who knew this wild ride, eh? I would not be here without him. God placed him in my path - and thankfully, I had enough sense to recognize it and scooped him up.

So - I looked up what kind of gift you are supposed to give for 5 years - know what it is? Wood. Wha????? The only thing I can think of is some sort of wood handled tool - which he would love I guess, it just doesn't seem very 'anniversary' like. I would have given him a hand cross, but we both already have one of those. I'm at a loss. I'll probably get him something beer related. That's what I always seem to be able to find. Wood. Whatever.

I'm going to try to get up early and get to the gym in the am before a meeting I have at 10. We'll see. It's already 11. Praying the girls will sleep through the night. I've been up every couple of hours for 5 nights in a row thus far - ouch. OH - any suggestions on the 'wood' gifts I will gladly take.

God Bless -

Pigs in a Blanket

The Mountcastle Home has been overtaken by some sort of illness. Thus me not posting last night. I took Madeline to the dr. yesterday and they put her on an antibiotic, Ginger has started what Madeline had last week, and I had some funky sort of tummy issue that let's just say forced me to take some Imodium. Yuk. Therefore, my gracious and loving husband sent me to bed last night once we got the girls all lubricated up with Vicks and tucked in. Can't remember the last time I got 10 hours of sleep - but I did. Wow. Is this what sleep feels like? Weird.

Will post more tonight baring all goes smoothly today - we are home again for the day and will try to venture out tomorrow. Pray for healing over here.

I think it was Gallagher that said "You know you have kids when you find yourself saying 'Hey! Who put Vicks on the Cheese Its??' "

God Bless -

Ahhhh the Joys of Parenting......

Sorry I didn't post on Thursday. If you can believe it - I fell asleep. By the end of the evening I've been getting so tired lately. Wonderfully full days - I am blessed.

Good weekend. Had dinner with the Rockin Pastor Mary on Friday and had a fabulous time. Sat was kind of boring actually until we spontaneously decided to drive down to Phx and have dinner w/ my mom and Britt. Something my WOW class has taught me is to start thinking "why not?" in lieu of "why?". It's actually been really great. Until that is, we were just about home and Madeline puked in the car - and not just a little - the kind of puking you only see in movies. Three times in a row. Seriously. She's not sick - well, she is, but with a head cold that has only gotten worse as the weekend progressed. She was coughing so hard and had such congestion that she made herself throw up. Sooooooo grosss - we had just had pizza for dinner. Yuk. But she was very cute about it and I was working real hard to keep her light and up beat. Gladly it happened at night and she couldn't see what she had just done. Once we pulled into our driveway and the lights came on in the car and she saw it - she started freaking out a bit. But for the most part - she was fine. I said the word vomit - and there stands my little Madeline - vomit literally covering her and she asks me " What's vomit mom?" Guess I never used that word around her. We laughed a lot. We all did actually. Then Madeline and I took a shower together. Something we haven't done in an awfully long time. And it was like nothing was different. Awesome. My kids are the most awesome gifts. I just really want Madeline to get better. She doesn't have a fever - just so congested. She coughs and sneezes and blows her nose 24/7. We kept her home Thurs and Fri of last week when she did have a slight fever - now it's gone but the congestion seems to be worse. I'll be calling to get her into the dr tomorrow. I just want someone to look at her - it would make me feel better. Poor thing. Today Ginger had the cough too - so joy - they are passing it to one another.

I feel a bit out of sorts today - missing church this morning. I don't like it when I miss church, just feel out of sync. Did have my dad and Nancy over today for the Super Bowl - which I just realized this evening is the 3rd year in a row we've had them over for the game. Once again, and I feel like a broken record when I say this but I can honestly say it goes through my brain constantly - how blessed I am. I am continually more and more aware of how blessed I am to have the people I have in my life. Another one of those 'being present' moments. Sometimes though, as I was talking to PJ about this weekend - this whole 'live in the moment' kind of phrase seems to me something you say to people who are dying. But, as PJ reminded me, there are people who really do live this way all the time, and they have not been diagnosed with a terminal disease. I want to be one of those people. I'm striving towards that. To that end, I have been having many, many wonderful moments with my kids. To have my strength back and be able to lift and hold Ginger - I can't begin to describe what a gift that is. I missed it so much - and knowing that I will need to once again put it on hold at my next surgery, I am soaking it all up right now. I hold her so close to me, feel her little hands pat my back as she holds onto me - and - all she wants lately is for me to hold her. It is so awesome. Last night, Madeline was having a rough night so I was up with her a couple times, then Ginger woke up so I had her in my arms and I had to wake PJ up to tend to Madeline cuz they were both needing one on one time - so Ginger ended up sleeping with me in our bed, and PJ w/ Madeline in the spare bedroom. I can't remember the last time I'd slept with Ginger. It took me right back to when I was nursing her as a newborn and would pluck her out of her bassinet, nurse her, then tuck her into the crook of my arm and we would fall asleep together. It was the most intimate and bonding experience. The feeling I have had with her lately is very much like this. I have come to realize what a 'physical' person I am - and how I bond with my children, and my husband, in not only an emotional way, but a physical way as well. This weekend, my soul seemed especially 'love filled' for some reason or another. Lucky me.

I'm once again a little sleepy - so I'm going to sign off. Pray for my little Madeline's healing if you wouldn't mind - I just heard her coughing through the monitor - so I'm going to go check on her.

God Bless -

Mom - I Don't Want to Go To College

This is what Madeline said to me last night when she woke up in the middle of the night. Not kidding. I said, "ok sweetie, but we don't really have to decide this right now". I then asked her who told her about college, and she said her teacher. She asked me to please tell her teacher that she wasn't going to college. Hmmmm.

Good day today. Busy, but good. WOW was wonderful as always. I'm not sure if I'll be taking another class next session. I'll have my surgery when it's about to begin, so we'll see. Had my appt in Sedona today and that went fine as well. I spoke w/ my oncologist about a couple things that were on my mind - one of which was the possibility of removing my port at my next surgery. She wasn't real keen on this idea. My veins aren't the best anymore, and really won't be since the chemo. There's a a possibility we'll move to having the calcium treatments every 6 months around the summertime - but she wants to wait and see. Bottom line, we're going to see where we are when it is time to go in for my second surgery, switching out the expanders for the implants. Fair enough - that was actually when my plastic surgeon mentioned he would take it out anyway.

I also asked her about statistics. Now that my daily 'fight' is done so to speak, I've had time to really think about my disease and try, even though this is utterly impossible, see what the future may hold for me, know what I'm up against. I asked her about statistics of recurrence. Now, I don't know if she was speaking specifically about my specific type of breast cancer, in retrospect, I should have asked her this. She did say that you can't apply statistics to an individual - statistics were for the medical practice to see overall pictures of data. Unless you were speaking about something that had metastasized greatly, like pancreatic cancer, then it would be important information to share to allow a person to 'get their things in order'. That being said, before the wonderful drug of Avastin, breast cancer that had metastasized to the liver gave patients 2-3 years. They just don't know with the drug Avastin yet. I have to admit my heart sank when I heard this. I was suddenly full of fear sitting there in the examination room. I took a deep breath and we carried on the visit. She went on to say to me that she believes our mind has the power to do way more than we could ever imagine it doing. She wants me to take a course on this, which I'll touch on later. We then discussed my need for PET scans to check on any recurrence. She had initially said to me that we would do them every 3 months, but today, she said we could consider every 6 months. We could go off how I was feeling and my blood work. I said to her that when I was initially diagnosed - at stage IV mind you - I felt fine. And I believe my blood work looked fine as well. After checking, she concurred. We've elected to go every 3 months. For now. I don't think this decision for me is driven by fear, I don't want to live that way. I just would hate to feel fine then 6 months go by and we find something has reoccurred and we've missed valuable time is all. Maybe I'm rationalizing this, I don't know. I just want to make sure we're always trying to stay one step ahead, if that is even possible.

I went back to start my treatment and made a pit stop in the bathroom. The bathroom seems to be the place I have my best prayer moments lately - and as odd as this may seem, if you think about it, it's really the only place I get to be alone for a period of time during the day. The only time, really. So it makes sense. So there I sit - on the toilet, praying. I told God that I was scared of the information that I received, and that I had to just give it all to Him. I couldn't carry it with me or it would haunt me - making me full of fear 24/7. I can't and I won't live that way. I trust Him to walk with me, carry me through this journey, and I am ready to do whatever He calls me to do. I will not fear life, I will live my life. What a sight, me sitting there praying out loud, crying, on the toilet. Such a 'Dina' moment.

I spoke w/ PJ about this information once we got home and he was so logical about it. He said that logically it just didn't make any sense for this to come back. It felt good to hear this, but you know what? - there is no way, on God's beautiful green earth, that I will know what is going to happen. No way. That sucks, but you know what? That's life - no one knows what is going to happen to them - cancer or not. We just need to plan the best we can with the information we have, and live each day in the present, soaking each moment in the very best we can. Why is that so frickin hard sometimes? I'm getting better at it, but I found myself really struggling against it today. I have a feeling these moments are going to reoccur every 3 months or so - whenever it's time for a scan.

I just stepped away for a moment to find my devotional, because I realized I hadn't read today's yet. With tears streaming down my cheeks as I type, I must share this:

I AM WITH YOU AND FOR YOU. You face nothing alone - nothing! When you feel anxious, know that you are focusing on the visible world and leaving Me out of the picture. The remedy is simple: Fix your eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen. Verbalize your trust in Me, the Living One who sees you always. I will get you safely through this day and all your days. But you can find Me only in the present. Each day is a precious gift from My Father. How ridiculous to grasp for future gifts when today's is set before you! Receive today's gift gratefully, unwrapping it tenderly and delving into its depths. As you savor this gift, you find Me.

I continue to be blessed with how I am spoken to in this manner. My prayers are heard and answered. Wow.

I took a quick 'disco nap' as we call it in our house before I started typing here, and am slowly getting sleepy again. So off to bed with me. Need to be up early tomorrow for MOPS. I also have a Bowenworks appt tomorrow to see about getting some sciatica relief, please God let this work.

God Bless -

Was that out loud?

So I wake up this morning, frantic cuz I look at my clock and it reads 6:45 am - I grumble to PJ that he didn't set his alarm and spring out of bed, take a shower, blow dry my hair - OH YEA - did I mention this? I need to BLOWDRY my hair otherwise I look like a helmet head grandma (not that there's anything wrong with that) anyway, I blow dry my hair, get dressed and ask PJ if he needs to shower as well as I turn on the television. I notice when I turn on the TV that the time reads 5:15 - 5:15 in the morning!!!! Seems my little sticky fingers Ginger found her way to my alarm clock yesterday and set it ahead 2 hours. PJ finally wakes up and says "Why are yo up so early?". Ugh. Needless to say, going back to sleep was not really going to happen. So that is kinda how my whole day went. Thinking one thing, then suddenly jolted in another direction.

Went to the gym again today, lovin it - but forgot to put my boobs back on when I went to change afterwards. So, as my husband puts it - I guess I got to 'go commando' today. It was really quite comfortable. I've pretty much stopped wearing the super realistic boobs btw - the bra that holds them, fits exactly the way it's supposed to - it's just tight. Like a sports bra would be - and this really irritates my right underarm. It feels like what little blood supply is getting there is getting cut off even more, if that makes sense. So I just throw on the dreaded surgical bra with the little pads and it is way more comfortable. PJ and I were hugging the other day and I wasn't wearing anything and I asked him if it felt weird and he said no - that when I have on my 'falsies' it felt weird. I then told him that five years ago I bet he never imagined saying 'falsies' to me in any sort of form. (our anniversary is next week - five years - you're supposed to get 'wood' for your fifth year anniversary. Oh, there is just too much material there to even start....)

Something was brought to my attention today, and it has been on my heart all day and all night. Loosely, my faith was challenged in direct connection to how I've chosen to express myself in my blog. I wasn't going to address it, because, well, let's just say that I never considered my blog up for debate. It's never been designed to be a two way conversation. My blog here is my blog - and I actually had to go back to my very first post to find my initial description of why I decided to have it in the first place - here's what I said:

First of all, let me say that this blog is really just a place for me to vent and get all these feelings and thoughts out of my brain to make room for more feelings and thoughts - cuz they seem to be overflowing through this experience. I'm not going to edit anything I say here - so please know that the entries may not flow correctly, will be very sporadic at times and might not make sense, but that's the way our brains work - or at least mine does. I will however try to make sure I spell everything correctly though - that drives me nuts. So here we go - my journey with my boob, and I'm not talking about my husband.

This blog is me. I write what I feel at the moment, and it has been so incredibly healing and cleansing for me. Sometimes I'm mad, pissed off, sad, and sometimes I need to laugh right through the pain. I don't expect anyone to ever be able to fully comprehend exactly what I've been through, no one can really. Everyones journey is different, I respect that. My hope in doing this was initially for me to be honest, then also to let people know what was going on w/ me without having to repeat the same old story a bunch of times. But also to see if someone out there could maybe identify with me in some way, cancer or not, and know, as corny as it sounds, that they weren't alone. I am proud of who I am, who I am becoming, and have become, through this process, and I think God is too.

Moving on - the big 'weigh in' is tomorrow. I'm going to predict I've lost, 4 maybe 5 lbs. I don't really feel like I've lost anything. Ya know what the big bummer is here - in the past, when I've lost weight, most of it starts with my boobs - I've always lost it there first. So, you do the math. I went to a playdate at my wonderful friend Julie's house today, along with 2 of my other dear friends (7 children total - yikes!!) and I explained to them that, in a warped kind of way, I feel 'skinnier' with no boobs. Noel then pipes up with 'then I'll take some cancer of the thighs please!'. Frickin hilarious. I love you Noel.

My friend Judy is now turned onto my awesome daily devotional I've been using at the recommendation of the rockin Pastor Mary - and she is reminding me to tune into it this week (she is most likely unaware of this) as since my routine is a bit shaken of late, I need this reminder. Today was a difficult day, on a couple levels, and today's devotional just brought me to comforting tears today. Totally need to share this:

I am renewing your mind. When your thoughts flow freely, they tend to move toward problems. Your focus gets snagged on a given problem, circling round and round it in attempts to gain mastery. Your energy is drained away from other matters through this negative focus. Worst of all, you lose sight of Me.

A renewed mind is Presence-focused. Train your mind to seek Me in every moment, every situation. Sometimes you can find Me in your surroundings; a lilting birdsong, a loved one's smile, golden sunlight. At other times, you must draw inward to find Me. I am always present in your spirit. Seek My face, speak to Me, and I will light up your mind.

God Bless -

Yes - That's Me - Flatty Patty!!!

It's so funny to catch people staring at my chest. My non-existent boobs are apparent mornings when I drop off Madeline and then of course at the gym now, as much as I try to hide it. I can't blame people for being curious. I would be too I suppose. It's just funny to catch people trying not to look. I am constantly reminded of this disease, daily. I wonder what a day will be like when I forget that I ever had breast cancer - just one day. Not in a denial kind of way, just a very matter of fact kid of way. Like - "Oh yea! That was me!" That would be cool. Who knows if that day will ever come. We'll see.

I have to confess something that has been on my mind since I started at the Y. Actually before that, but it has really come to the forefront of my mind since I joined the Y. Ok, I'm carrying some guilty here so please bear with me. I take a handicapped parking space at the Y. Now, I have the proper signage to do so, so it's not like I'm stealing it or anything, but I go back and forth on if it's really OK for me to do this. Part of me feels like "Hey - I had stage IV breast cancer and had my boobs whacked off - I'd like to not walk that far with a 20 month old in my arms, a diaper bag, gym bag and purse!" Then I think of all the cute little old ladies in the locker room (yes, some naked but let's not go there) and I feel bad. They should really have these spaces, cuz they are really hard to come by - seriously - it's like NYC in this parking lot. People are vicious about their spots - kinda makes me a little homesick to be honest. ;-) Anyway, that's been playing around in my mind - we'll see where my thoughts eventually land.

I was trying to picture today what the surgery will look like when they put the expanders back in. I'm obviously a little nervous about it - but I remembered that I won't have those 'purse string' closures any longer - so the healing, I'm hoping will go a lot faster. I never really got to see what that would have actually looked like, which is a bummer, but I would assume that this next surgery will have scaring much like I have now - 2 small lines across then closed with a sterry strip. I'm nervous about this and excited at the same time. I was getting out of the shower this evening and saw myself from a different view, and my chest actually looked all concave - it was eerie. I continually wrap my brain around this tighter as each day goes by. And I'm so blessed for the days, each day, as hokey as that sounds.

Tired this evening - had class tonight and it's going really well. I feel so called to do this work, I'm like a sponge every Monday night. School is really different when it covers something you actually WANT to do. Hmpf - who knew?

God Bless -