We're Riding on The Escalater Of Life

While I was on the elliptical this morning, I was reminded of just how therapeutic music can be. I was brought back to so many awesome memories as I hadn't heard my workout playlist for probably just over a year. Before I was diagnosed, I wasn't real good about my exercise regime - not like I was in NY - not even close. So now that I think I've truly committed back to that regime, I have rediscovered my playlist, and that is just the BEST - isn't it? Madonna's song JUMP is probably one of the most memorable to me - it brought me to tears the other day. I remember listening to that song in NY, and the strength it brought me to move back to AZ - which was not an easy thing to do at the time. Funny, it is still a song that brings me strength, but in a completely different way. Most songs have the same impact on me, but in different ways now. How awesome that they can do that - I never thought of it that way to be honest. If I heard a song that appealed to me in one way, that was the way it was in my mind. Now, the same songs mean completely different things, in the same powerful manner. On a lighter note, of course no workout playlist would be complete without the proverbial Kelly Clarkson "Miss Independent" - oh yea. I envisioned myself singing at the top of my lungs and people just stopping everywhere around me staring at me. Hysterical. And, I need to plug the BEST bands in NYC too, Bananafish Zero and Early Edison. Tom Ashton, let me just tell you that Demographically Pleasin still rocks my elliptical world. Thank you! My girlfriends who have witnessed me have deemed me 'in the zone'. So be it.

Speaking of people staring, I work out w/o my boobs on. I don't want them to get all sweaty and stinky - major ew, right? And - I am a sweater - not in an 'article of clothing' kind of way, in a 'one who sweats' kind of way. I do wear a t-shirt then a sweatshirt over that, just to hide the fact that I don't have anything going on in the chest area. Anyway, so today I also wore a bandanna to keep the sweat from going into my ear then plugging up my ear bud - blah blah blah. You get the picture. So, I didn't look particularly 'feminine' today. I swear I thought people were staring at me trying to figure out if I was a woman or a man. It made me just stop and think - about how understated my feeling like a woman was tied to me having breasts. I mean, I am feeling insecurities now at times that astound me. Before, I wouldn't have given a shit if people were staring or not, but now, I find myself a little paranoid. Then I have these completely unrealistic types of insecurities - like, I'm watching the figure skaters this week (how amazing was Kim Yu-Na?) and they wear these elaborate and revealing outfits - I found myself thinking 'well, I could never be an ice skater and wear those outfits - I don't have my breasts anymore'. What??? I never, in my entire life, wanted to be an ice skater. But now that the choice has been taken from me I guess, now I'm pissed. Same thing happens when I see a movie with a naked woman in it - anything like that. I feel like I'm counted out of certain things now because of what has happened to me. And it sets me apart from everyone else. And that makes me sad, and pissed, and regretful at times.

I have my last WOW tomorrow, and my niece is coming with me which I'm excited to share this with her, and her with everyone there. I'll get a month off before the next session starts up again, which will be nice actually. One more morning at the gym for the month of March. I'm really starting to feel stronger and stronger. I was supposed to have my dr appt this week for him to check out my healing then schedule my surgery, but he went to Haiti to help so I'll see him next week. What an awesome dr to give of his talents and time. I am thinking of scheduling it for April 8th. I'll be back from Santa Fe by then. I'm slowly wrapping my brain around this final phase of surgeries. To be honest, I think it should have been done like this from the very beginning. Looking back now, I would have preferred it like this initially. I thought it would be good to have boobs again right way, or the essence of them - but to be honest, I was fighting this disease for 6 months, then the surgery should have been just the mastectomy. End of cancer story (for me anyway). Heal. THEN - reconstruction next. Not only time for my body to heal physically from everything but also for my mind to have time to shift to the next phase. This healing time has been extremely beneficial to me on so many levels. I'm not at the 'I can't wait!' point yet, but I'm getting there. I'm still just happy to have energy back and the fact that I'm able to do most of what I used to be able to do way back when. An adjusted version of it, but all the same things nonetheless.

It's late and I'm doing laundry and still have to read my lesson for tomorrows class so I best get going. I wanted to share something my beautiful brother in law sent me this evening. I have to say, I am so blessed to have married a man with such a loving brother. BOTH of these men, my husband and his brother, didn't have a really good 'example' of what love is or should be where women were concerned - yet, they both have the most tender and loving hearts. I'm not sure if it was possible for them to learn this trait - I think they were both blessedly born with it. I am so touched he thought of me - here's what he sent me:

God has wisely kept us in the dark concerning future events and reserved for himself the knowledge of them, that he may train us up in a dependence upon himself and a continued readiness for every event. -- Matthew Henry

God Bless -