And the 'Perspective' Just keeps on comin......

This weekend was just plumb full of perspective. Let's start with Thurs evening, when I was supposed to post before the weekend but found myself ready to do so at 12:30 am and unfortunately my eyelids won the battle. This past week was one of such overwhelming capacity for me - well, let's just say I think this is the first time I've felt this way about just life in general since my diagnosis. Our routine was thrown this week to boot, so that always puts us off kilter a bit as well. Madeline and I went to 2 open houses, had my Stevens minister class, went out with a friend of mine, had WOW and MOPS, finally got a rather large package organized and off to the IRS (another blog entirely, trust me), then, the letter came. AAAhhhhh, the letter. Do you ever find yourself at a point of mental exhaustion where you don't think you can take anymore, but then the Lord heaps on just one huge scoop of "here ya go Dina!" and you just start crying? That is what happened Thurs night when I opened the mail.

Before I start explaining this, let me say that this whole scenario has brought upon another dose of perspective for me - so hear me out till the end, cuz that's where the real message is here for me, I know it. Way back when, like, right when we lined up my treatment schedule, PJ and I had decided we needed to purchase another vehicle. I had cashed out what was left in my IRA because we had NOTHING so we were actually going to buy my brother in law's mothers car - because we couldn't afford the gas in the Explorer to Sedona and back once a week for potentially 12 months at least (at the time). I remember stating that "Well this sucks, I can't really afford to have cancer!" So this purchase (the car someone had scratched the words 'F*CK YOU' into, remember?) was ready to go, when we receive an excited voicemail during church one Sunday to call PJ's aunt and uncle in CA. They, knowing what we were trying to accomplish, graciously extended PJ's grandmothers vehicle to us instead. We were overwhelmed. We offered them $$, but none would be taken. The title was signed over to us, and one of PJ's loving friends offered to drive to Sierra Vista - YES - Sierra Vista! - pick up this car for us and drive it back to us. This was so obviously GOD working - it was amazing. I felt like I couldn't thank everyone enough - this whole clan of relatives bound together and made this happen for us - it was amazing.

Now, flash forward to Thursday - we receive a letter from PJ's grandmother saying that she wants the car back now to give to another grandson because that was the person she originally promised the vehicle to. I have to say, this - this was the huge scoop. PJ and I just looked and each other and to be quite honest, we both had very different reactions to this. I cried - looked at PJ and his initial reaction was anger and defensive "ya know, we'll just give it back then, we don't need anyone's help, we never should have accepted it in the first place - we're just fine on our own". Which of course, made me cry even more, but I've already explained I cry a lot these days anyway. No ovaries - BAH! Anyhow, I digress - after much thought, tears, shock and sheer confusion - I guess I just wish we would have known this was a loan from the get go. I remember not wanting a loan, that's why we were going to purchase a car, because who wants to loan a car to someone for a year? Maybe we didn't express that clearly enough, I'm not sure. Problem is, we've got at least 6 months of weekly trips to Phx coming up for my reconstruction surgery - in addition to my monthly trips to Sedona for my calcium treatments. I guess now we're going to have to try to save up some $$ for a down payment to purchase another vehicle before we have to get this one back to grandma. Now, here comes the perspective part:

Isn't it funny?? We go along with our lives, and we think, and we forecast, and we plan, and we strategize - but something always just finds its way in there to place the proverbial fork in the road - something that makes you look at your life and totally evaluate what you are valuing and what you have lost your perspective on. This, was one of those moments to me. Sure, part of me says "Can we just get a break for a moment!!! Seriously!!!! This was something I didn't think I had to worry about anymore." And isn't that true?? Do you do this? Once you have a problem that is solved, we just push it aside and make room for others - and don't look back. I think that's what we are supposed to do though - don't you? I mean, my brain used to be filled with really important shit - client calls, insurance limits, rules and regulations, profit margins, renewal retention goals, system administration, etc. Now it's full of a differnt kind of important shit - which pants are clean/dirty, Madeline is tired of goldfish, Ginger only wants her milk in the morning, PJ loves it when I surprise him in the am with 2 eggs on a waffle with butter & syrup, reciting the ingredients for the best meatloaf in 20 seconds, theme song for Pinky Dinky Doo, Fresh Beat Band needs to be recorded, etc. We just can't hold onto all this worry, even though it may creep up again, and be a worry all over again. We need to just embrace the now, and handle each day and what it brings. This week, just seemed to bring a whole bunch all at once.

I was privileged enough to meet Nancy's brother this weekend and his lovely wife. They recently lost a daughter, just a little older than me actually, to cancer last year. I have never felt more connected to someone as instantly as I did Martha, Nancy's sister in law. It was an amazing visit. I can't even begin to imagine what I could possibly represent to her, but she embraced me immediately and we chatted and laughed and hugged on each other as if we'd known each other forever. Really amazing.

On the physical side, and I don't think I've discussed this at all on my posts, not the the level in which I have been feeling them, because, well, I think I just have gotten used to it. It all kinda hit me this weekend, how different I feel now, physically, than I did before all of this started. This isn't a pity party either, just a rude awakening for me - and please don't read this as if I'm ungrateful for this life I've been given, I praise God everyday, many times, for all that I have been given. I just never realized how drastically different the 'package of Dina' had become. Anyone with children, small children, knows how much you are getting up and down off the floor. There is not a moment that goes by now, that his doesn't cause me some form of discomfort. My body just aches. I need Advil each morning, to get moving, then again in the afternoon, then again in the evening. I realized today actually, that I wasn't just taking the percocet for the sciatic pain, it was for the joint pain as well (done with that stupid choice now, thank you GOD). My feet, my knees, my hips - all ache like I can't explain if I have been sitting for any amount of time. I need to physically make myself bend my fingers in the morning, they are stiff as a board when I wake up and ouch, it hurts. Luckily it's only for a couple of seconds - once I start moving them around it goes away - same with my ankles. Getting up and down off the floor takes some time for me now, and I guess I'm just used to it. I forgot I suppose, that all of these things didn't even exist before. Bummer. I am going to try some 'Joint Juice' and see if that can bring me any sort of relief. Something else to frickin buy now - great. This must be how arthritis feels - and how mentally frustrating it is to WANT to do something, but can't - or at least not nearly as well as you used to.

Alright, I've ranted enough tonight. Had a lot on my mind apparently. I do know that God will guide me in all that I do, if I remember to turn to Him, listen, and let Him lead. It's when I try to lead - that's when it all gets screwed up. I listen, go with my gut, and move forward. I thank Him for the now, every time I look in my husbands eyes, my children's faces, and look forward to him moving me to the next 'perspective' moment.

God Bless -