At least you'll never have to wear a bra again!!!

Can you believe someone actually said this to me? I know this subject is uncomfortable. Trust me - it's uncomfortable for me to tell people, I can't imagine how uncomfortable it is to hear and respond to. However, I'd like to just make a blanket statement - if you don't know what to say - just say you're sorry. I read in the book I was recommended to read "Just Get Me Through This" which is AMAZING - that the woman that wrote the book really just wanted to hear "I'm so sorry this is happening to you, this sucks" - which is very true. I know I'm supposed to be strong, I know I will fight this - I know nothing else, ever, in my life. That's really who I've always been. My girlfriend in NY recently told me - "you're a f(*ckin bulldog Dina, I've seen in first hand" - she's right. Then she told me "get the f*(cking D cup babe, you deserve it!!" I love you Jules. ;-)

Then, there are people you DON'T hear from - at all - people in your family!! This I find amazing - because to be honest, I've never wanted to hear from my family more than now - just to hear their voices, and take comfort in them telling me they love me. I guess everyone deals with this in their own way - and responds in the best way they can. I need to remember how blessed I am and can take enormous comfort in those who are surrounding me - in those who are comforting me - in those who are not afraid to talk to me. I never in my life thought anyone wouldn't feel comfortable talking to me - I've always prided myself on being able to communicate with all sorts of people, about anything - it's very unsettling to be on the opposite end of that spectrum now - and it's completely out of my control. Yuk.

I'm having trouble finding a support group up here - and I know PJ needs one too. Talk about people not communicating with us - if anyone needed his friends now, it would be my husband, and they seem to be leaving him in the lurch as well. With the exception of one, but his wife is going through some heavy medical issues now too. I'm looking for support groups for both of us right now - so we can feel connected to those going through the same thing. I can't imagine there aren't any up here and we'd have to go to Phoenix - because, well, that's just not really an option for us.

I didn't write last night, I was so tired. I guess I'm going to have to get used to telling my story to those I encounter over and over and over. Sometimes when I tell people, I re-live the whole thing and get upset. Other times, it feels like I'm talking about someone else - like it's just a story. Whenever I am involved in something else, like playing with my girls, or talking with a friend or my mom, I feel guilty for not thinking about my cancer - like I should be thinking about it all the time or I'm in denial of it. I suppose this is all the process of learning to live WITH it as I will be living WITH this for the rest of my life. It's so weird. I can say however, my good moments are starting to occur more than my down moments. Again, the process.

I am so very grateful for all my friends. I have made more friends in this community than I ever have in my life. I think this was intentional - to feel so connected with a group of women so they could help me through this process. Cuz this is a woman thing - as awesome as my husband is, and he is AWESOME - this is definitely a connection women can relate to more than men. Another reason I need him to connect with other men whose wives are going or have gone through this. I worry about him. He is reading The Shack - which is providing such uplifting insight and conversations between us. Pretty cool.

Gotta start laundry - my house is a mess. Needless to say, I haven't paid much attention to it since this all happened. And my little one turns 1 on April 30th - I can't believe it's been a year since she was born. My little Ginger. She's walking now too - way earlier than her sister. I think she just wants to keep up with her - they are so sweet together, hug and kiss each other all the time. I'm so blessed. I do wish this monumental 1st birthday wasn't tainted by this shroud of breast cancer. Like it's robbing her of this moment. I'm having like, 40 people in to celebrate this next weekend on the 26th - she's getting baptised and then having her 1st birthday party. I'm really looking forward to all these people gathering and celebrating this with us - no matter what is wrong with me, this is about Ginger - my little miracle. I thought I had a challenge when I brought her home from the hospital a year ago, figuring out how I was going to deal with 2 rather than one. Right now, I'd do anything to have that back, have that be the only thing I was worried about - what a difference a year makes.