In the Node

Well, it seems the cancer is indeed present in the lymph nodes as well. This means a couple things, from what I can gather at this early point in my diagnosis. Chemo is required and all my lymph nodes will need to be removed on my right side when they do the masectomy. Humpf.

The good news about today is that I have the appointment scheduled with the onocologist for Mon the 20th - and I really think I am seeing the right person. I hadn't received a call back from the Dr here in Prescott Valley so I went ahead and called the Dr in Sedona. They were caring, loving and absolutely wonderful to me on the phone - I know this is where I'm supposed to go - since this is scarier to me than the surgery now. So scary. I went on an hour long walk today (something PJ and I discussed which I'll touch on later here) and made a decision about my hair. I am going to do this in 2 stages I think. I"ll cut it pretty short before my surgery, then again really short when I start treatment. My hair is so long, I couldn't even imagine having it fall out when it's long like this. I'd much rather this happen with shorter hair - maybe this way it won't be AS shocking to me, or to others, or to my little girls. I don't know how I'm going to explain this to Madeline; and Ginger just needs to get used to me with short hair - bummer, cuz she loves playing with it right now. I pray I will find the words when it's time.

PJ and I need to revive our expercise routine. We were real good about it last year, and it has totally gone by the wayside for the past 6 months. We need this for us mentally, and I need this for me physically. As I was walking today, I know how empowered I will feel physically to fight this thing if I can get myself in a physically stronger shape. I'm ok now, but I need to push it up and get my cardio back up to speed. I will feel so much better about this if I feel stronger.

I'm worried financially - we now have to commit to treatments in Sedona - which I know is the right choice for me but worry about the financial strain these trips this will put on us. And our car, we only have one car and it needs new tires. We already have taken a 10% hit on our annual income since the first of the year due to the economy, which was hard enough to deal with - and the portion of all of this that the insurance won't pay for - I guess I just need to give this all up to God and know that everything will work out the way it is supposed to. It's so hard to do that - but I can't make decisions about our health care on what our insurance will and will not cover, or what we can or can't afford. In the end, we'll see what the great big number is at the end I guess and see where we go from there. We're already still paying off so much right now, or trying to, and have this enourmous IRS debt we are trying to negotiate paying off - it just never ends. Is this what our parents went through? (minus the cancer of course) Financially, was it this stressful for them?? Is this what I heard them talking about in the kitchen from my bedroom when I was supposed to be asleep? And is it just me or am I hearing more and more of my friends and people my age having cancer?? What is going on?? What did we all drink or eat or breath? Sorry - I digress.

I'm signing off for now - but leave with the thought that at night I try to remember what my very wonderful friend Jennifer taught me - before you go to sleep at night, think of 5 wonderful things that happened to you that day. When I do this and look for the positive instead of the negative - I find I come up with way more than 5. How blessed am I?

dina