Back in the Saddle Again

Okay - much better digested information now. Just wasn't quite prepared to hear my breast cancer had spread. Just to be clear, this is still breast cancer that has spread forming small tumors on my liver, three vertebrae in my spine and my femur. I do not have liver or bone cancer - thank the Lord.

We are not even considering surgery at this point since this has metastasised - doesn't really make sense until we see what treatment does. My Oncologist has recommended a clinical trial drug - which I have agreed to start immediately. She feels this is the best for my cancer and believes we can shrink this crap or eliminate it completely and get me into remission. Unfortunately, I will need to be on therapy for the rest of my life now, we will always be watchful of this and need to constantly be checking. Chemo will last for 6-12 months - I will have it once a week for 3 weeks then a week off - I will be tested every 8 weeks to see how the cancer is reacting to the treatment. Since this is a clinical trial - I need a shitload of tests before I can start - I need a MRI, bone scan, CT scan of my brain, echo cardiogram & ekg. I'm actually scheduled for 3 of these in one day on Monday - and awaiting the scheduling of the other 2. I also have elected to have a port put in. The nurse today showed me how it works, and since I'm receiving treatment once a week for quite awhile, I think it's the smartest way to do things. I was against it at first, but now understand its benefit. I am also receiving a monthly medication to return the calcium to my bones - I received that today actually. I feel ok tonight, a little tired, but I think I'm always tired lately. What an emotional roller coaster.

So this morning when I dropped off Madeline at school, I met my friend Jennifer at the church. She has been such a dear friend to me, such a rock to my weakness. Much to my surprise, she had arranged a small prayer circle for me - which I have to say was one of the most powerful things I have felt. I was able to let a lot more emotion out, my fear, my thoughts - maybe because it was all women? I'm not sure, I just felt so safe enough to do so. And they loved me, hugged me, cried with me - then prayed over me. Much like when I was first diagnosed, last night my mind went to that dark place again - the place where I think I'm going to die tomorrow, never see my girls grow up, never see them get married, never grow old with my husband. I don't want to wake up in the morning, or get out of bed. These ladies explained to me that they would be my faith and hope when I couldn't have it for myself. I never thought of people in this manner before. It made me breathe a sigh of relief - I know everyone told me I was not alone in this, but for the first time this morning, I felt like I really wasn't. They gave me the tools to use when my mind goes to this dark place again. I was so uplifted.

I know I can beat this - I have to - I know nothing else. I'm continuing to build my trust and hope, this will be an on going process. But I know from the out pour of good wishes and thoughts and prayers and kind words - we can all do this together. Thank you all - I cannot even begin to thank you all for everything you have written to me, it has been so inspirational and so helpful, you will never know. I read everything, I may not respond back to everything, as just updating this blog is emotionally draining enough, but I read everything. Please don't be put off by me not responding directly to each of your emails - I will try, but this journey is not leaving me a lot of 'extra' time either. Know I love and appreciate you all, very much. Ok, enough of the mutual admiration society - let's get this party started, eh?