My little Ginger's birthday today. I dressed her in an outfit full of red cherries today. She looked absolutely precious. She just smiled her 8 toothed smile and lays her little head on my shoulder. She is the absolute sweetest (next to my Madeline of course).
Had pre-op today for the port placement surgery tomorrow. Went fine - thought it was ironic that my surgeon (who is AWESOME by the way) said as he entered the examining room that he had already heard my whole story (hadn't seen him since the original biopsy) as his wife had received a prayer request about me via email. What an incredibly small world - but more than likely, there are thousands, literally thousands of people praying for me. I am humbled. He was very positive to me and explained the procedure and we were out of there. I need to be at the hospital tomorrow am at 8:30 and surgery is scheduled for 10:30.
It occurred to me today that this is the first step to really stepping into the fight against this disease. This is the first step to Dina's body starting to change. By adding this device to me, I am changing. I will so miss this Dina, I really grew to like her very much. There were many, many years throughout my life where I wasn't really a big fan of myself, but within the last 10 years, I really learned to love me. This will aid in my fight, I understand this, but I'll just miss me as this way. Then, once this port is put in, then my hair goes. On my terms, I know this as well - but I'll miss it. Again - the level of self discovery is so incredibly high through this process, and utter rediscovering of who you are as a person and what you are capable of. I feel shallow when I start to say I'll miss my long hair - but I can't help it sometimes. I know - I am still me - the packaging is just changing a bit - and everyone re-does their packaging every once in awhile right? Just gotta stay away from the 'New Coke' approach. In any case, I'm a bit nervous about these changes, and ask for the strength to handle them with dignity, humor and determination. The fight really begins tomorrow morning as I commit to combating this disease. There is no looking back.
I continue to be in awe of this out pour of support, love and gifts. A very talented local photographer called me today asking if she could take some pictures of us ( PJ, the girls and myself) free of charge so we could have some recent family photos. I was in tears - for 2 reasons really - 1) incredibly humbled by her generosity and 2) so sad that this would be the last time we would look like this. We had them taken this evening out in our back yard, all of us playing out on the grass - laughing and then I had some sad moments as I watched my husband and girls playing together. It made me feel like the 'sick outsider' at times. Honestly - I know this is the fear entering my mind again, and I continually have to fight this fear, but boy - it is harsh sometimes. I love my family so much - I knew once I gave birth to Madeline, that I was put on this earth to be a wife to PJ and mother to my children. As corny as it sounds, I discovered the meaning of life, and MY life at the very moment they put Madeline in my arms. This is my life purpose. So I will fight to keep this purpose. Fear just creeps in at times and grabs hold of my throat - like I can't even breathe.
What is completely ironic is I was just saying recently I wanted to have a photo of my girls w/ me to take to chemo treatments w/ me so I can focus on them while having treatment. Thank you for allowing this picture to be recent, and absolutely beautiful. Thank you Kelly. You have fulfilled something for me that I never could have done myself. These pics will be the first ones I post - and they will strengthen my fight.
Tired now, doing laundry, watching my husband asleep on the couch with Ginger right now. Both open mouth breathers - so cute. I have to close these blogs each evening with just a huge thank you. Thank you all for reading, thank you all for your prayers and passing on the request for others to pray, thank you for all your beautiful comments and honesty with me. You are all keeping me going - I am ever grateful. Till tomorrow - asta
DINA'S BOOB BLOG - An online journal of my breast cancer experience.
Happy Birthday sweet Ginger.
ReplyDeleteLook at it this way Dina, you will be so prepared to face menapause, when oh by the way your body will throw some more surprises your way - you develop your own weather system and you are always hot, hotter or who the hell turned the heat up (as your family who is swaddled in layers and extra blankets looks at you in bewilderment), your skin dries up like a safari on the Sahara desert, other things dry up as well, which I won't elaborate on in this forum, but also entertaining...not really. You will already have this "My identify is not my body" routine down and mastered. When that time comes for you, many, many years from now, I will enjoy laughing about it with you! Just talk loud so I can hear you. ANd the good news is, you will get to tell me multiple times because I won't remember!!! And I promise I will laugh every time.
Love,Karen