Rainy Saturday - Rainy thoughts

Tried to have a normal day today. Mom and Britt came up from Phoenix and Madeline just goes crazy for her MeMa. I'm not sure what Ginger thinks, she gives them kisses, but at times seems to just give them the once over. She studies people, I think that's cool. We dyed easter eggs and made cupcakes. It was fun. I baked my mom a birthday cake as her birthday falls on Easter this year - something that has NEVER happened in her lifetime. Tomorrow will be a lovely day - rain or shine.

I am constantly battling with the thought of me dying, and overwhelmed with grief that the possiblity of me not growing old with PJ and watching my girls grow old is just that - a real possibilty now. I can't explain the deep grief and pain these thoughts bring to my heart. It almost makes me sick to my stomach. Then I think of all the women who have beat this thing - and most of all my aunt - who was diagnosed way back in the early 80's and has been going strong since - cancer free. I just need to continue to focus on those stories, and know that I too am strong and will fight. But am I still allowed to have feelings of fear, doubt, sadness - without giving up my will to fight? I mean, I know what I have to do - but I think I'm allowed to just be scared sometimes too. I hope this doesn't weaken my will to live, God help me, I hope not. Maybe as time goes on my game face will surface more often than my fear - maybe this is just the process of it all sinking in. Maybe.

Good night for now, and Happy Easter.

dina