I've Got chills - they're multipying.......

This is a result of the calcium medication they gave me yesterday. I have had a couple spells of low grade fever and chills today, but nothing a snuggle on the couch with Ginger doesn't cure ;-).

My dark place resurfaced again this morning, not as heavy as yesterday, but boy, does this fear thing come knocking when I wake in the am. I tried to go about my morning as normal, then just had to ask PJ to handle the girls for a moment while I went into the bedroom for a spell. I knelt and prayed for strength and for the Lord to fill me with his grace and power and begin to heal me - I will be healed. This helped. I wasn't feeling real great this morning, so I elected to stay in w/ my girls and get all these tests booked so I can get my chemo starting quickly. Little did I know that PJ would completely take over all of this for me - which actually, is awesome. So here's the schedule:

Tomorrow I go for my pre-op appt in Prescott to have my port put in, which is scheduled for Friday morning outpatient surgery at YRMC; Saturday I get my hair whacked off; Sunday we go to church then Costco for pizza cuz that makes me happy and especially makes Madeline happy; Monday we go to Cottonwood for me to have a CT scan, bone scan and MRI; Tuesday we go back to Cottonwood for an echo cardiogram and EKG. Then all these tests go to my oncologist and we set up my first chemo treatment. This most likely will happen the following week. I'm thinking PJ and I are due a date that weekend before my first chemo appt. We want to go to dinner and a movie - see the new Xmen movie - I know, not very romantic, but I'm not a big fan of the romantic movies, and hello - Hugh Jackman!

The out pour of prayer, help, love - is so overwhelming to me. It is so hard for me to accept help from people, because I am the type of person who is the one who helps everyone. This is so hard for me. My friend Jennifer came over this evening with dinner for us, and hung out with us while PJ went to see a client. It was so nice to have company, and for Madeline to have company, but I couldn't shake this overwhelming guilt for keeping her away from her own routine, her husband, her family time. I know I need to be at peace with this, to let people help me, but it is so hard for me. PJ and I discovered in a discussion we had this morning that we are always so concerned with overburdening everyone - we are both like this. I'm sure once the treatments start, it is going to be painfully clear we must accept help from others, we will need it. If I feel this way just after this calcium treatment, I certainly want to be prepared for what is coming with actual chemo. Although, even though I am getting chemo each week, the dose is not going to be huge - the nurse told me this. It will be a smaller dose, just on a more regular basis. Plus, they are going to prep me with so many other drugs to try to counter act the side effects, I'm hoping to just be tired. I am praying for this.

For some of you reading my blog, perhaps it is coming across a little 'preachy' and/or 'religious' - coming from me. I feel the need to explain this a little bit, because I have returned to my faith which I had been derailed from for some time, but still do not ever want to come across preachy. I still believe everyone has the right to believe whatever they wish to believe, and I am proud of the fact to be close with people of many faiths, and some no faith at all. I learn something from everyone and discount nothing. My spiritual journey has been something I've been investigating for the last 2 years and - prior to being diagnosed with cancer, had made some pretty powerful decisions in my life about where I was spiritually and what kind of life I wanted to lead for myself and as an example to my children. I am so blessed this journey and instilled belief system all happened BEFORE this diagnosis, and it is not a coincidence. There are way too many moments in my life to chalk up to coincidence, God is clearly present in my life, and that is who I pray to. So - that is all I have to say about that.

(awkward pause)

It is Ginger's actual birthday tomorrow. Bittersweet. I can't believe it was a year ago tomorrow I was in the hospital giving birth to her, to now be having a pre-op appointment on her 1st birthday to have a port installed for my chemotherapy. I have to say, this is NOT what I had pictured for this day. We did, however, have a lovely weekend this past weekend of family and friends in our home and kids galore running in the backyard. Ginger's baptism was simply beautiful, and her party afterwards was so much fun. We are so blessed to have our family and friends around us. Ginger was hysterical w/ her birthday cake. As soon as I get some pic of this done I will post them. Absolutely precious.

Tired now, must sleep. I'll be in touch tomorrow with the latest update, and much love to all.

dina