Oh yea, I have cancer....

So this weekend has been VERY normal, which I love. But because this week was full of a bunch of no progress on my diagnosis - it felt as if I was unproductive and in denial of it all. I know we can't move any faster than we are already moving, but I can't help feel this way. Madeline has a cold so I've been tending to her most of the weekend. It's so awesome being mommy and making everything better. Now I'm starting to get this thing (headcold) and both girls noses are running on this fair Sunday evening. We did such normal weekend things - taking Madeline to a birthday party, PJ mowing the lawn, going to church - I told PJ that as much I want the world to stop while I deal with this - the more I'm glad we will just learn to live with this thing - we have to. The lives of our children must continue, OUR lives must continue. I felt today as we were leaving church that I wanted to get this all done and over with so I could start giving back. I am already so grateful for the out pour of love. I am so blessed. I know I say this a lot - but I am. But as we talked more about this, it occurred to me that I can give back while I go through this, I think it will make it so much more worth it. I don't want to turn off the world while I deal with this, and perhaps the world needs me in this fragile state to do some help for others. Our community has so many opportunities to give back to those less fortunate, we were eager to do this before I had cancer, so why not continue this direction while I have cancer? Sure I'll be tired - but not every day, right? And it's so important for my girls to know that we need to give back to those less fortunate - I really think it's why we were put on this earth.

Tomorrow we meet the oncologist to discuss what she thinks my treatment should be. I'm nervous, but ready. The more time goes by, the more this is all able to sink in and I'm able to come to terms with it. Also, my right breast where the excisional biopsy was done, looks very strange now. Not like, infected strange, it is healing fine - it just looks distorted now. Ya know, it looks wrong - that's a good word. Now I can only see it as damaged and diseased. I really want this disease out of me. It makes me crazy to know that it is still there and I've been walking around this week doing normal things while it continues to grow and contaminate me. Also, I want to take a shower all the time. Is that normal? I just want to wash it all off of me.

On a lighter note, I've been planning Ginger's baptism and birthday party. I was worried my diagnosis would interfere or possibly have to cancel these plans, but, it hasn't. I most likely won't have a surgery date scheduled until early/mid May. I can't wait to celebrate her - to focus on my beautiful little miracle. We're having like, 40 people in for this, and I just can't wait.

I'll let you know how tomorrow goes - then the reconstructive surgeon is on Tues - so it is going to be a week full of information. And we're off to the races.